For getting rid of my chinese name

[TheLoyalWriter]

I moved to the UK from China with family as a teen and have lived there since. When I got married I changed my surname into my husband's and got rid of my Chinese name on my birth certificate and gave myself a middle name. It is mostly because my parents used our Chinese heritage as an excuse to bully and control me when I was younger. None of my kids will have a foreign name from my home country and will be raised British. AIBU? My family is very not pleased about it.

I'm from Central Asia. I moved to the UK in my late teens. When I married, I took my husband's surname. At the same time I changed my first name to something easier to pronounce that English people tended to call me anyway. It just made life easier. At the same time I swapped my patronymic for my baptismal name as my middle name. It felt more a reflection of my identity to honour my religious name than a father who had abandoned us. It wasn't a long thought out process, I just thought "why not?" when changing the other two names. It wasn't a rejection of my heritage and past as much as an embrace of my future and chosen life.

As an aside on looks, I am paler than my mother as my father was pale. But one of my children is much darker than me, and both children have the typical facial shapes of my heritage. You can change your name, but you can't change your genes.

You sound ashamed of your culture and desperate to adapt to a western one. I find it very sad and a bit embarrassing.

Your parents gave you your name like a gift. However now it belongs to you, you can do what you want with it.

I think it’s important to reconcile with your parents. There are a lot of cultural differences between how Asian and English raising children. To be honest, it is not all bad the Asian way.

As a Brit of Irish and Scottish descent I find most of these responses which seem to hang heritage and identity off having a clearly recognisable name disturbing.

that’s like saying we should only call ourselves Hamish or Poraig or Morag or Fiononula or such like. Apply same principle whether you are from any other country- Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Africa etc. Just weird. Being aware of cultural heritage is not intrinsically tied to having a non British /Anglo Saxon name.

OP, good for you for making what ever step helps you gain independence from your parents.

btw I am off RC descent but have what can be considered a ‘Jewish name’.

I think it’s important to reconcile with your parents. There are a lot of cultural differences between how Asian and English raising children. To be honest, it is not all bad the Asian way.

Sometimes it’s not possible for someone to reconcile with their parents. I’m sure it’s not a decision OP will take lightly. None of us know what OPs upbringing was like, how it affected her and whether the relationship is beyond repair or not. Ideally no one would choose to cut ties with parents, but every situation and experience is different.

Do whatever feels right for you OP.

My dm didnt pass down her "X" family name to me because of the usual reasons which i was a bit disappointed about and infact reclaimed and inserted into my own DC names. But she had the right to chose to do that even if i would have preferred to receive it.

Kids care once they are adults, hence why dna shows and websites are so popular.

Abuse comes in many forms.....
A mother/father can abuse you and force you to behave a certain way just because "I gave birth to you/fathered you"

Same as a husband, because "I'm the head of the family/man of the house".

Those are traits in certain people, not all men, all women or all Chinese people.

You can still be proud of your heritage whilst denouncing the actions of your parents.

They used your heritage as an excuse, but your heritage is bigger then them.
You can claim it back.

Changing your name doesn't take away your heritage.
Own it and celebrate the great things about it, some of which will be half of your kids.

You’re entitled to call yourself whatever you want for whatever reason you want. Although there’s been times that I’ve lost bits of myself because I associated them with an awful upbringing, like living in a council estate and wanting to go to church for example. As I’ve got older I think actually these things are just me and would
of been who I am if the other awful things hadn’t happened.

I was not taught my parent's first language which means I can't connect as well with people of our heritage and I can't pass the language down to my child.

My married surname and child's surname does not reflect my heritage as I married outside of my community.

I know a number of children in the UK from HK who use English first names at school, which I find sad.

Western is not superior.

You'll regret it when you're older, OP.

I mean, it's your name, it's up to you, but I hope you got rid of your Chinese name because YOU wanted to, and not just to get back at your parents. My view is that it seems a pity to have got rid of your original name, as your Chinese heritage is a part of who you are, but of course it's your choice.

It sounds like you might need some help dealing with your obvious resentment at your parents' controlling ways. Maybe a therapist could help you set some boundaries. I think that would be better than trying to erase your heritage to assert your independence from them.

WHEN will human beings learn that people do NOT want to be controlled! I sympathise. It must be hard to be brought to a new country where individualism is prized but your parents want you to stick to the old ways of the old country.

I know a number of children in the UK from HK who use English first names at school, which I find sad.

Actually, all the HK people I know had English names when they went to secondary school in HK, including my dad and his siblings. The names are not on their birth certificates, but that was school tradition if they didn't already have one.

One lad whose Cantonese exam I was running explained to me that he wanted his Chinese name on the certificate as his English name wasnt his real one, but it was too late as he'd been registered with his English one!

You do whatever you think is right. You won't get a balanced argument here. Mumsnet is obsessed with forcing foreign cultures on the British raised children, and insisting that speaking foreign languages is essential. Not for every child it isn't. (Speaking as one that was forced to learn a foreign language and alien to me culture just because of family links).

You have the right to use whatever name you wish. You don’t have to answer to anyone on this.