For getting rid of my chinese name

[TheLoyalWriter]

I moved to the UK from China with family as a teen and have lived there since. When I got married I changed my surname into my husband's and got rid of my Chinese name on my birth certificate and gave myself a middle name. It is mostly because my parents used our Chinese heritage as an excuse to bully and control me when I was younger. None of my kids will have a foreign name from my home country and will be raised British. AIBU? My family is very not pleased about it.

Can you imagine a white person saying this. Therapy would be advised as it's not a healthy reaction. It's usually an excuse to justify, from experience.

I have a foreign surname, as my grandparents came aftwr ww2, i enjoyed both parts of my heritage growing up but i always thought growing up I would like to change it but on marrying I have kept my name as I now love it and don't care that it is different.

I would keep your name
We have some v sad events in the family in the past which I haven’t told DCs. But they do know about family fighting in II world war, where in the country previous generations lived etc etc and are proud/interested in it.
im sure there is much in your family’s past which is interesting, concentrate on that.

Half the Chinese people I have known, adopted Western first name. I have never thought anything of it.

Having had an unusual maiden name, which nobody could ever pronounce or spell correctly, I was only too happy to take DH’s common English surname and say goodbye forever to having to spell my name everywhere I went. I assumed the Chinese people I knew, adopted a Western first name for the same reason?

Just be prepared, as others have said, genes can be funny things. I have a relative in whose marriage one spouse is British, the other 100% Indian. One child looks 100% British and the other 100% Indian. They’re both absolutely beautiful

YANBU

Embrace the aspects of your culture that work for you. You don't have to own anything that doesn't work for you because of tradition.

Being bilingual is a huge advantage though. If your kids have the opportunity of being bilingual I would do what I could to make that happen.

For that and another reason. A western name/western things is/are seen as 'better'.

I wouldn’t deny my children access to part of their heritage because my relationship with my parents made me feel negative about my culture of origin. I think names are less important than speaking the language with children, though. In your shoes I would bring the children up bilingual.

YANBU. It's your name and you can call yourself whatever you want. If you don't wish to have a Chinese name, or to give your DC one, you can do as you wish.

In a sense I think the OP could ask herself what she would do if she were the child of two British parents who had also been treated badly as a child. For instance, children of very violent parents or whose parent has a violent partner sometimes have to be give new identities. Of course the multicultural aspect comes into the decision but perhaps it is not the only way to look at it.

Would you say the same thing to a white woman who wanted to do the same thing with Chinese names, kids, dh for the same reason? If so, fair enough. If not, why not?

Likely not; as a family we will be speaking English as DH doesn't understand Chinese. We both speak French though so the dc will be raised with 2 languages.

It's your choice OP and I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, I think you should be aware of the possibility that your DC may feel differently (or even that you may change your opinion in the future) and remain open minded about your culture and background. Maybe think of this as a pause rather than a permanent decision.

I think its totally your choice but I urge you not to conflate you feelings about your family, and how you have experienced you ethnicity being used as a stick to beat you with. with your heritage in a more general sense. Is there nothing you like about your heritage?

If it’s to fit in I don’t think you should have to and dh works with a lot of people who embrace their names. You did say it was as much because of how you feel it was used in your youth so in that way if you think it’ll help go for it x I know someone who’s changed their name because of assumptions made and he’s happy with opportunities he thinks it’s given him (sadly it probably has), but I can definitely get regret and sadness from him when he speaks of it

I think you should give your children a tiny piece of their Chinese heritage. It's not up to you to decide which part of their DNA they should identify with.

I am saying this as a non British person. I am no contact with part of my family and there is no way that I would introduce DC to this branch of my family. (It's complicated)
However, it's part of their heritage and DC have every right to pursue this once they are adults. I have given them middle names from my gand & great grandparents. They do carry the important family names if they ever want to pursue this.

I think do what makes you happy. My mum is from Thailand and dad English. I was born here and have a western name. My husband is British and our children have common western names. However I still feel very much connected to my Thai culture and our children are learning about it too, we visit regularly and they are young but have learned a few words. A name is just a name, if you feel more comfortable change it. Your life your choice. It doesn't mean you have to necessarily cut off your Chinese heritage all together.

Slightly different perspective here. I'm Anglo Chinese but adopted by British parents so grew up in the UK.

My birth father was from Hong Kong and a drug addict who got my late birth mum addicted to heroin, hence my premature birth and subsequent adoption.

I had the surname Pang before I was adopted so I'd have had a Chinese surname if I'd never been given up. But as I associate that name with my birth father (whom I've never met), I'd probably have wanted to change it too.

I understand how you feel, OP. It's a very personal thing.

Yes, I would. Lots of people change their name - some by marriage, some by deed poll - because they feel it doesn't reflect who they are or who they want to be. In life, there is very little that is intrinsically 'yours', but your name is absolutely yours and you should be happy with it and feel that it represents you and how you see yourself.

Genetics isn't quite that simple, features aren't dished out on a 50/50 basis from parent to child. One or more of your children could look if not 100%, then certainly, very like you.

I had some friends with one Chinese heritage parent and the other very stereotypically 'Celt'. One child looked very like his Dad, ie, Chinese heritage.

The other did not. When he went to University he got a knock on the door from representatives of the University's Chinese Society (presumably based upon his suname). They were surprised when a boy with blazing red hair and green eyes answered. He did join, of course.

That notwithstanding, you should do exactly what sits best with you. But if your children are keen to explore their Chinese heritage I'm sure you'll support them.

I think it's OK to reject your parents but I don't think it's a good idea to reject your culture. My daughter in law is Chinese and was born here and has never even been to China but she does celebrate being Chinese. I think it's important for the children but I can see how abusive parents might put you off. I hope you can find a middle way one day.

I don't think changing a name you find traumatising is a problem. It's acting like every name in your heritage isn't good enough unless you change to a western name. Would every Thai/Chinese name cause issues too? That's where the excuse lies. Again I bring the example of a white person deciding to change names but instead of to another white name, they go for a different race/ethnicity.

It reminds me of women who claim they hate their birth surname cos it sounds ugly, etc and took their husband's last name, as justification of changing their birth name. Meanwhile their brother's wife or husband's sister would be saying the same things about the same names they hate and love. It's all excuses. Doing it isn't the problem, it's just best to own it as what it is.

Anyway I'm not trying to badger the OP. I think I've said enough on the thread now so I'll leave and hide the thread. Goodluck with everything, OP.

This sounds so hard.

I don’t have any personal experience but I would say you should do whatever makes you happy.

I do think your Chinese heritage belongs to you and not just to your parents though. It’s something that is part of you, and doesn’t have to be tied up in your feelings for them.

My dh’s grandfather is from a different Asian country and my fil anglicised their surname and gave dh and his siblings very classic English names - they also had a very British upbringing. I do find it a bit sad that they so thoroughly rejected their heritage, it was done to protect them from racism though and has mostly worked, so obviously I understand. You must do what feels right to you.