For getting rid of my chinese name

[TheLoyalWriter]

I moved to the UK from China with family as a teen and have lived there since. When I got married I changed my surname into my husband's and got rid of my Chinese name on my birth certificate and gave myself a middle name. It is mostly because my parents used our Chinese heritage as an excuse to bully and control me when I was younger. None of my kids will have a foreign name from my home country and will be raised British. AIBU? My family is very not pleased about it.

Of course I can?

It's usually an excuse to justify, from experience.

What does this even mean?

I am multi-multi-heritgae heritage with a Chinese last name. I actually my grandmothers maiden surname. My father decided to dissociate from his white/jewish heritage and never used his name at birth. My father had a difficult relationship with his father. I found my father reaction odd - I understand not wanting to associate with his father. However, I struggled to understand his dissociation with his heritage. To be honest I always felt he not very grounded as a person and lacked authenticity - I struggled to understand and connect him on some levels. I wished he accessed therapy.

On another note, it can be seen as odd to have a Chinese surname when you don't look Chinese.

do you mean from a cultural perpective?

My children are mixed Indian and White. They have sometimes been mistaken for South American or Spanish but never White.( not helped by one being fairly fluent in Spanish!) I have a friend who is half White and half Chinese and looks fully Chinese. I doubt your children will look fully White. I don't know any half East Asian kids or adults who look White.
I never really bothered going out of my way to tell my kids about their culture either although it's not something I hid from. But now they are older, they are obsessed with it. They have English surnames but my eldest was looking into double barreling his surname to include my maiden name. My parents didn't teach me another language, and I'm now too bad at languages to learn myself. Their native language is fairly useless too to be fair but one of my sons is trying to learn it! You never know how kids are going to feel about their identity. I feel full of regret that I didn't keep my own surname and give them a bit more of their heritage, but I was born here. As a first generation Brit I was surrounded by my culture and just maybe took the importance of it for granted. However my cousins kids are the same and couldn't care less so who knows?

Changing your name is fine OP, but it sounds like you’re trying to erase your heritage. You will always be Chinese and your kids will still be half Chinese. Their name/language skills and appearance don't change that.

As someone born and raised in the UK but with non-British heritage, I find it quite sad.

There are a lot of Asian families in my children’s school. All from Hong Kong. They all have western names, both parents and children. They do have Chinese surnames. I assume they must have Chinese first names too but don’t use them within the school environment.
It’s absolutely your choice what you want to name yourself and your children.
I do think it would be a shame not to teach your children the Chinese language. Having 2 languages can only be a benefit

Nah.

Thanks to colonialism and now more mixed ethnicity marriages there are lots of people whose last names show a part of their heritage which doesn't reflect their heritage as others perceive it to be.

My eldest stepson's wife is Japanese. She has a Japanese first name, which she has kept, (she mainly uses it professionally), though she's taken my stepson's surname.
Her Japanese name is beautiful, but most of us call her the English equivalent of it (she's quite Westernised) - it's a 'flower' name, so it works fine. Her family still call her by her Japanese name, her friends here don't.
They have a baby daughter who has a Japanese name, but which also isn't uncommon in the West - it's short, only four letters, and they didn't want her to have a name where people were constantly asking how to spell it.
(Her mum has had that problem all the time she's lived in England with her Japanese name - I had to ask my stepson how to spell and pronounce it.)
They've also given the little girl a middle name (which is apparently not a thing in Japan), also a 'flower' name, but an English one.
She's almost a year and a half, and they speak to her in both English and Japanese (daddy is learning Japanese) so hopefully she'll be bilingual.

I just think that if you feel you're unhappy with your name, or need or want to change it, for whatever reasons, that's up to you. It's a very personal thing.
I don't like my 'full' (English) name, l shortened it as a teenager and it's very rare that anything calls me anything but the abbreviated version now. It hasn't changed 'me' but it feels much more 'me' than my full name ever did. Even my mother ended up calling me by the shortened version.

Could you possibly give them a middle name that works well as an English and Chinese name, such as Lee?

Agree with this poster. I would take your family out of the equation and think more about China as your heritage and part of you. For example one day you could take your own family there and explore the wonderful things about China. I'm speaking as someone of one ethnicity, married into another and took husband's surname but gave myself my maiden name as a middle name. And our children today have names/middle names and ofc surname that reflect both our heritage. Who you are and where you're from is a beautiful enriching cultural experience I personally think.

God you're getting some stick on this thread OP. Do what you want. It's your name. You're not "losing your heritage" by changing your name. Some people think the "furniture" (names, clothes, following dated customs that great grandma followed but no one back home actually does anymore, keeping your hair a certain way etc) are how you remember your roots. Your heritage is your heritage regardless of how you live your life, and you should live it for you, not your culture or your family. Your children can, likewise, do what they want.

My DM didn't teach us our heritage language, I learned it myself as an adult. I don't hold it against her. She lived how she wanted and so do I.

Funnily enough, I always thought I didn't look that Chinese, in spite of my mixed race background. But I once went into our local chippy when I was a teenager and it was run by Chinese people. The lady behind the counter started talking in Chinese when I entered, so I turned around expecting to see someone else behind me who she was talking to.

Of course, there wasn't anyone else, she was speaking to me. 😆😳😅 I guess I look more Chinese than I really realise 😅

My feelings, as an English person, are that you should honour your heritage and where you have come from.
You say you don't want anything to do with your family, which is very sad and clearly there is emotional pain there. I think your children, however, will be fascinated by your culture and upbringing as this will be also a part of them.
My suggestion would be to separate the feelings you have towards members of your family and the whole Chinese culture. The culture, I believe you should celebrate and be proud of.
I think it's up to you what you wish to call yourself, but I'd find it hard to give up my first name, no matter what country I lived in.
Be proud of yourself and your name, you are you not your family.

This may be true. However, I am speaking from personal experience.

Attempting to erase half of your kids’ cultural
identity is wild to me. Particularly when it’s accompanied by things like this My children will be half British so will not look conventionally Asian.

Genetics don’t work like that. What if they do look 100% Chinese? Will that be a problem?

Please also read about the issues in transcultural adoptions, where people grow up without any knowledge of their heritage and report it having a marked negative effect on their sense of self and wellbeing. Most of those people DEEPLY resent it as adults. This would be different, but possibly worse - as, unlike the adoptive parents in these cases, you’d be doing this wilfully.

Abandoning thousands of years of culture, depriving your kids of a language and whitewashing your names isn’t required to ‘fit in’. Modern British society is multicultural. I think you should embrace that and let your kids celebrate their heritage.

I also think you would benefit from counselling, as there’s a lot going on here.

Signed,
Another immigrant

The mixed race Chinese person I know has a very English name. I don't think you are being unreasonable in having an English name, and choosing one for your children.

There are many many benefits to your future children if you spoke to them in Cantonese, even if they forget it all as adults, it will still help them. Google the benefits of being raised in a bilingual household. With French not being your mother tongue it'd be harder for them to learn than Cantonese.

This is incredibly complex and nuanced. I don’t feel I know enough about your culture to give a balanced answer.
I’m UK born half Chinese with Chinese last name. I do find people have preconceived ideas of my based on my name which is especially noticeable when I’m job searching and meet new people at work. Mostly it’s just genuine interest, it doesnt bother me, however I’m sure sometimes there’s some bias which may be negative.

The only advice I would offer, which is relevant to anyone. Keep your children’s options open. Be honest and clear with them and don’t close off ideas which don’t align with your own. And if you can speak Chinese to them growing up so that they can become fluent, this would be an amazingly invaluable gift that could benefit their future selves. You owe it to them to educate them about their heritage, and through their upbringing trust that they will make informed choices and follow the path best suited for them.

sending you lots of love. It’s tough putting feelings aside and trying to make decisions that are uncomfortable but for the greater good x

I have thought about this seriously.
Not on my behalf but my children's.
As half Chinese young adults now I wish I'd registered them with a double barrelled surname, not just a Chinese surname.

The first reason is that Dh is concerned in the future that there will be a lot of anti-Chinese feeling if/when China attempts to retake over Taiwan.

The second is that Racial discrimination over jobs exists.
I've never experienced it because I'm English but it exists in our very tiny rural market town. Dh experienced it badly in Australia in the 70's.

In my experience Chinese Culture is very powerful. Especially food-wise!
I wouldn't want them to deny that. But at times they've said growing up they feel like they don't quite fit in anywhere.

My mother buried her past apart from the odd visit. One for my aunts wedding when I was eight. I met so many relatives and was made a big fuss of. I adored my grandparents, who also adored me.

My mother fell out with her sister at some stage, she had also come to England. Luckily mother had a phonebook. I copied down the number. When I married had my own phone I called her. She was thrilled. I had cousins which was wonderful.

Eventually mother found out, she went nuclear. I was defiant, my house, my phone butt out.

Weirdly she started speaking to her sister again.

So @TheLoyalWriter your issues may not be your children's, so be prepared.

Yanbu to want to pick. Your own name, but maybe worth more introspection on the way you feel right now and whether it’s really your parents rather than Chinese culture that you dislike.
wanting to erase your genetic heritage seems a bit self hating ( it’s you and that’s unchangeable) . Tbh, Parts of your narrative offend me too as I’m also of Chinese heritage but trying to stay impartial here…

ps I have a close relative ( bbc ) who grew up here and did the same, because she was brought up in a slightly racist area and made fun of for having Asian heritage .…

Do what makes you happy, OP. It's your name and you're the one who lives with it.

I can confidently say I don’t have identity issues. I’d say my Mother who speaks the Italian language and has an Italian name and feels neither 100% Australian nor 100% Italian has more confusion than I do.

I don’t really get these comments about your kids resenting the loss of their Chinese heritage. Do I have to walk around in a kilt and eat haggis because my Pop has Scottish heritage ? Like how far do you have to keep it going for ?

These kids haven’t been adopted out from China, they’re living with their biological English Father & Chinese born Mother whose spent her entire adult life and more in the UK.

I’ve never read such ridiculousness.

It's not a business of your family, it's your life.
I got rid of my Czech name, purely because I don't want any connections or memories of my emotionally abusive parents and the place called "home".
Lots of people like this.

What does it even matter.

YANBU. Once a person reaches adulthood, they get to decide what they are called. It's no one else's business.