Need advice on complicated family dynamic

[chasingsheep]

Married to DH for 22 years and recently widowed. We have a DD age 14.

DH had a DS (now 30) from a previous relationship (never married) where he casually dated a woman in Wales long distance for three months (he lived London) who fell pregnant. He moved there to join her when she was 8 months pregnant to make a go of it. By all accounts it was a disaster but they stuck it out for five years. She then admitted he was not the biological father but he was committed and a decent man and kept the role of dad when they separated. He's never told anyone apart from me and his own dad, who passed away. The ex has also passed away.

If you're still following, here is the issue. The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious. I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose. Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas. I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like telling him DD isn't his sibling and to leave us alone and just put a final end to it. I can't see what she gains from this other than dependency from a destructive man. This isn't her secret or burden or issue to take on.

AIBU to make a clean break?

Oh dear how awful op and why is he so insistent on seeing dd rather than the whole family and his "dad"?
Is your dh close to him?
Any idea who the real dad is?

If I'm being brutally honest, I'd also just like to have nothing more to do with him as he never liked me.

No idea who real father is. My DH passed away recently so only DD and me now. I want a fresh start and not have us dragged into this past with all its secrets etc. A clean break.

My understanding is that, based on OP, her husband has died. I would just say no, he won't be able to come for Christmas. To be honest, he's a grown man and can sort his own Christmas out. Keep repeating it won't be happening. " Dear Damien, I'm afraid I won't be able to host you for Christmas. Dd and I aren't sure what we're going to do yet and might go away"

Oh op I'm so sorry I missed the part where you said recently widowed.

My only worry would be that this boy may be unstable with loosing his mum and his "dad" to be told it's not his real dad.

I wonder if you know anyone else who can break it to him?

I would definitely break it to him but as gently as possible because it will be traumatic news.

30 as well but really wanting to know his sister.
Does he have any of her contact details?

It might be weird for your DD if she never sees him again though - as far as she is concerned he is her half brother, whether she likes him or not.
I would say no to Christmas but arrange a time for him to visit some time later. He may be nasty but he has lost his dad and may want to spend time with the other person in the same situation. But as her mum you need to protect her from him “needing” her to share his hurt. She might find it odd to not see him again, but I’d try to control it until she’s older.

Yanbu.

It sounds like you have enough on your hands without having to manage an unrelated, obnoxious male.

I wouldn't be entertaining it at all. I'd block all contact and explain why to DD. He's not her flesh and blood, and he's old enough to be out there making his own family now. Your place is to protect your DD here, not him.

Tell him you are not able to have him stay for Christmas. Job done.

He's an adult man and sounds like he's not a nice person. You're not responsible for him.

Are you able to access DDs phone to keep an eye on their conversation? If he puts any unwanted pressure on her you may need to step in.

I wouldn't entertain it all but I'd be wary of this person's stability.

Tell this man the truth and tell him also not to force his presence on you all because you will involve the police

The poor bloke deserves the truth surely?
Just send him a heartfelt email. Even if you don't care about him don't spell that out!!

Can you visit family at Christmas? If not I would lie and say I am visiting family for Christmas and I would then book an AirBNB to make sure I was out of the house.

If this man is as you describe him you need to tread carefully.

@chasingsheep does he have family on his mums side? I would suggest that you ask him to go there for Xmas etc.
it’s up to you if you keep your husbands secret or not. But you definitely don’t have to accommodate a rude 30yr old. He’s not a child. I would tell your daughter that they are not related and ask if she wants to maintain contact with him as she’s still a child and may feel that he’s connected to her father.
If your daughter is not keen to keep him in her life then perhaps now is a good time to tell him the truth. He likely won’t believe you and you’ll need to be prepared that he will want your daughter to have DNA testing alongside him.
I wouldn’t be letting him come for Xmas whatever you decide. Nor would I ever accommodate him in my house. If you decide to keep contact then I would always do so in a neutral place eg. out for dinner in a restaurant and then all separately go home.

I think he deserves to know the truth. He might be a complete asshole but he should be given the information as he might have siblings and family out there.

It’s not going to be an easy conversation though, and he might need need mental health support after. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and walk off.

You are recently widowed, which is enough to deal with without entertaining people you don't like, “family” or not.
I’d do your best to put him off and concentrate on your DD and yourself.
I think longer term telling him the truth would be for the best, but don’t know how you’d prove it, he may just think it’s a lie. So sorry you’ve been left this unpleasantness at such a sad time OP.

Has he always had a sibling relationship with your DD? How does she feel about him?

Does the “DS” know that your DH is not his biological father? I’m not sure it matters after 30 years of parenting. He’s effectively adopted him. Doesn’t mean you have to host him though.

I don't see why you need to keep up with this man. However you do need to tell him the truth first.

This sounds very hard. Tell him that you are going away over Xmas. ( and go away).

You could gently tell both that there was a doubt about the parentage that was never confirmed, but DNA tests might be a good solution to clarify.

Thanks all. It's a shit situation that I went along with, as you do I suppose.

Christmas I can manage, it's just the long term connection he seems to think he has with DD. But then she might react at being kept in the dark by me too for so long.

Honestly, family secrets are awful. And it's not even my secret!

What’s your DD’s relationship with him been like so far? Has she seen him regularly/ does she consider him a half sibling?

I think I’d be guided by that. In time I think I’d be tempted to tell them both but sensitively however much of a dick he is. Something along the lines of you feel they should know the truth but obviously they can still have a relationship if that’s what they BOTH want and with appropriate behaviour/ boundaries.

For now you can still say no to having him for Christmas. Could you be away? It’s usually a good idea to do something completely different the first year after losing someone anyway. I wouldn’t do anything in a hurry.

Do you think? I'm being honest that I'm doing it for selfish reasons here not because of him. Not sure anyone would welcome this news.

Was your husband on his birth certificate? Has a DNA test ever been done?

How ridiculous! Pay for somewhere and go and stay away from home! Just be truthful.