Need advice on complicated family dynamic

[chasingsheep]

Married to DH for 22 years and recently widowed. We have a DD age 14.

DH had a DS (now 30) from a previous relationship (never married) where he casually dated a woman in Wales long distance for three months (he lived London) who fell pregnant. He moved there to join her when she was 8 months pregnant to make a go of it. By all accounts it was a disaster but they stuck it out for five years. She then admitted he was not the biological father but he was committed and a decent man and kept the role of dad when they separated. He's never told anyone apart from me and his own dad, who passed away. The ex has also passed away.

If you're still following, here is the issue. The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious. I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose. Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas. I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like telling him DD isn't his sibling and to leave us alone and just put a final end to it. I can't see what she gains from this other than dependency from a destructive man. This isn't her secret or burden or issue to take on.

AIBU to make a clean break?

Ok, so I can pretty much understand how you feel.

What's dds version? Given this to all intents n purposes is her brother. I doubt neither child would be particularly thrilled at this revelation. They've both just lost their dad. Losing a brother/sister too might be harsh. Sure....he's NOT your responsibility. Horrible' thought but ...if you go he's all she's got.

From the limited information you have told us
It's hard to give proper advice, without knowing exactly how much time the son spent with his dad ,and with you and your daughter
My instincts say ,to keep him away from your DD
Don't be letting some random man have access to her
Although ,I suspect he will want a DNA test , especially as he is keen to see dd

I feel so incredibly sad for DS. Lied to in the most destabilising way and now no parents or anyone really.

I do completely understand your feelings also. If he was a joy to be around I'm guessing you'd feel differently.

I think the level of rejection he'd feel if you are cruel in your delivery could be catastrophic for this guy. I think it's kinder to just be unavailable and communicate that in the kindest way possible.

I’m going to go against the grain.

I understand that you don’t like the DS and you don’t actually want anything to do with him, but to tell someone almost as soon as the parent they knew as a parent has died that he was never their father and the sister he knows isn’t his sibling is a bloody shitty thing to do - it really is. You shouldn’t feel obliged to see him at Christmas, but to destroy his life like this really doesn’t show you in a good light. At all.

This is what I came to say buy both “kids” and ancestry dna kit for Christmas “won’t this by fun to find out about our heritage!!!”then act surprised!!!

As for Christmas don’t have around but can you go out for a Christmas Eve breakfast something quick but still catching up, the DS might be awful but he still thinks your DD is his sister and that’s not your, his or her fault your DH and DS’s mum shouldn’t have taken their secret to the grave

So he thinks that he has recently lost his dad, having previously lost his mum?

Bloody hell!

Please don’t tell him about the possible parent issue by email - if he is low and alone, sitting with questions that no-one can answer.

Perhaps done face to face over a lunch in the New Year?

Yes to saying that you aren’t up to doing Christam given the circumstances, and shutting it down that “you are going away”.

I think everyone is forgetting
The op and DD have just lost their dad and husband.
This is a man of 30 ,not a 13 year old boy .
He needs to be told the truth ,and kept in the dark with this ridiculous lie

Not kept in the dark

But OP doesn’t want to tell him the truth out of any sense of justice or feeling he needs to know. She wants to tell him because she is bitter and hates him and wants to get rid of him. Her motivations are pure spite and nothing more.

Also, it’s entirely possible that the bloke is actually his father’s child. There’s no way of knowing. And if I was him I’d be demanding a DNA test with the sister to prove it, purely because of how it looks - as if the stepmother is sticking the boot in to get rid of him as soon as his father’s died.

He's your dds half brother, that's how they've been brought up. I think yabu not to facilitate contact over Christmas.

Where does it say he may be the son ,
I've obviously missed that bit .
I thought,the dad knew from age 5 ,he wasn't his son
Apologies if I've misunderstood

How do you or your DH know that he wasn’t DH biological child? If it was only based on the ‘admission’ of a person who may not have been feeling very benign at the time, I would keep a very open mind about DSS parentage.

Of course , it doesn’t make any legal difference to your decision, he has no ‘right’ to contact with his putative half sister. Anyway, it’s a definite no to Christmas, that’s an invitation which needed to be earned.
Edit:
Sorry, hadn’t read the full thread, so probably redundant…..

I thought,the dad knew from age 5 ,he wasn't his son

Well yes-but no one thought to tell the son!

I mean he still could be!

I would say all three of you- you, your DD and the DS are still grieving, which is not the right time to make a big decision. . A massive bombshell like this could be incredibly damaging for everyone concerned, and might not be the clean break you hope for. Your DD is at a tricky age anyway, to find out that you and DH kept this from her for all this time could be very difficult for her.

I would just put the decision about telling him to one side for now. You’re absolutely within your rights to keep him at arms length, make excuses about Christmas, be polite but keep your distance. Give it at least a few months for things to settle and then see how you feel.

You’re a good person for recognizing this. You really have been left in a horrible position by your DH. It would be easy for you to not face this until you, too, take it to your grave. But you leave your DD with the same conundrum if you do.

It’s a very difficult situation. I would make my excuses for this Christmas and then address it next year.

The dad was told that he wasn’t his son.

If there was no DNA test there’s no way of knowing this for certain.

I think it depends on how sure the husband was that he wasn't his dad ,and how much time dd and the son have spent together,and how often the husband had the son over .
I mean if the son came over every Christmas,and now he's told no ...that's not good ...
But I do think a DNA test should be done ,so your DD knows if she has a brother or not .
If he is her half brother ,it's not really on ,for the op to cut him out of her life
I read it originally...and understood it to be that he definitely is not the husbands son..but if there is a chance he is ...then DNA should be done ,if for no other reason than for her DD to know the truth..

I don't for sure how DNA works
But if the daughter and possible son sent of their DNA , surely a 50% link would show ,or some connection..

^ absolutely this 100%

Very few people seem to be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

It takes a special person to treat someone they're not very fond of with compassion during difficult circumstances. Much as you don't like him, he's also mourning the man he thought was his father. He may not like you because your presence put a block on your DH ever getting back with his Mum. Who knows. People don't hate people for no reason.

As a PP said, I would approach this from the stance that his Mum told your DH that he wasn't the Father but he decided to stick by him regardless because he loved him and thought it was the right thing to do. I'd say it was her word and not confirmed so he may want to investigate. It could be that there is a family out there somewhere which may be of benefit.

How would you like this handled if you were him?

Awful of you to keep this secret as the years go by there is more chance of his bio dad dying and a reconciliation to be impossible
so unfair to deny him a chance to find out who he is
send him a DNA test asap and get your daughter one asap
he needs accurate medical information for his health and his children’s health !
outrageous of all of you to have kept this secret he should have been told from birth

after telling him you do not have to have any contact with him and teach your daughter she does not ever have to tolerate people like him ever, it weird that he thinks he can have a relationship with her and not you

It’s your job to safeguard your daughter. If he was your husbands son it would still be fine to say you don’t want a relationship with him - you don’t get along and I wouldn’t want him to visit at any time.

You will have to tell him the truth, but DNA tests would show they are not related, if he doesn't believe you.

I agree with this. And also, what difference does it make whether he's related or not? Would you be acting the same if this man was your DH's son? If someone adopts a child and then decides they don't like them, is it ok to abandon them?

I do understand why you wouldn't want him around your DD although we only have your description of his character. Obnoxious, destructive and bitter are quite subjective. And now you've enlisted loads of people on here to validate your feelings and your behaviour.

This is tough and I sympathise with the OP just wanting a clean break. But I think this man's paternity is actually a red herring. You've been in his life for over two decades. Your daughter has known him all her life. The relationship is there even if the DNA isn't. I personally don't believe an actual blood relationship makes a jot of difference to the bonds we form as humans. (I'm coming at this from the perspective of an adoptee.)

So I guess a few questions I have are:

-You say he's destructive and obnoxious. But is he dangerous, or potentially dangerous? If the latter, you can cut him off without a second thought (even if he is actually related to your daughter).

-What kind of relationship would you have with him if you didn't cut him off? Are we talking about a duty visit a couple of times a year? Or would he push and encroach for more?

-What kind of support network does he have where he lives?

-Most importantly what does your daughter feel about him? She's 14, that's definitely old enough to know whether you're happy to have someone in your life or not. Is she also wary of him? Or do they have some common ground?

I would do as a PP suggested and hold off making any final decisions while you're still grieving. You can make excuses about not having him for Xmas and you can keep him at arm's length for now. I would also tell your daughter the truth and be led by her feeling on that - it may be that she wants to preserve a relationship regardless, or it may not.

If you do end up washing your hands of him, I wouldn't tell him that the reason is "he wasn't your real dad". That's a bit of a body blow to someone who's lost both their parents and is now being told that people he thought were family want nothing more to do with him. And it's also not quite the truth. Because if he was a pleasant and amenable man it wouldn't matter that he wasn't your husband's son - he'd just be a welcome addition to your life. You should feel able to tell him that it's obnoxious, destructive behaviour that makes you want to cut him off.