Need advice on complicated family dynamic

[chasingsheep]

Married to DH for 22 years and recently widowed. We have a DD age 14.

DH had a DS (now 30) from a previous relationship (never married) where he casually dated a woman in Wales long distance for three months (he lived London) who fell pregnant. He moved there to join her when she was 8 months pregnant to make a go of it. By all accounts it was a disaster but they stuck it out for five years. She then admitted he was not the biological father but he was committed and a decent man and kept the role of dad when they separated. He's never told anyone apart from me and his own dad, who passed away. The ex has also passed away.

If you're still following, here is the issue. The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious. I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose. Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas. I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like telling him DD isn't his sibling and to leave us alone and just put a final end to it. I can't see what she gains from this other than dependency from a destructive man. This isn't her secret or burden or issue to take on.

AIBU to make a clean break?

Crikey. No matter what you think of him, he has lost a father even if not his genetic one. Don't make it worse at this time - for him, for your daughter, for yourself. Not after ALL this time.

Do no harm. They are two children and it sounds like the DS has not had an easy time. By all means don't spend your Christmas but consider that he is probably alone now too. And perhaps he sees your DD as the only person he has a chance of a reasonable relationship with.

His feelings about yoh are unlikely to be about you! And more his dead mother. To be honest, I think you're making this all about you and not two children who have lost a father.

The fact your husband left him a inheritance shows he was a good man. Sorry for your loss

It's an awful situation that many people are finding themselves in. He may need to know in the future for medical reasons so even though there is difficulties between the two of you please consider telling him, preferably face to face so he can ask questions.

The actor John Simm has just been through something similar, although his mum was still alive and the one to warn him of the possibility when he told her he was filming for dna journey. He reacts well but for some it can be soul destroying. Might be worth watching that episode to see how he reacts.

And do not tell your daughter. Telling this son the news you have will do no good to him, none. It will only harm him. And your daughter. You say it wasn't your secret and you wish you hadn't kept it, but you did. And long enough now that telling it would be more damaging than before. It would be entirely selfish and unnecessary

Everyone deserves to know who their biological parents are or, as in your step son's case, who they aren't.

I would stop keeping this family secret from everyone. Your duty is to your daughter only. Tell him in the best and kindest possible way. And tell your daughter too.

Are there any other family members that can support you/ DSS in this? Did DH or DSS’s mum have any siblings?

In reality OP you don't really know either way. I would suggest that your DH acted as the father figure and in that, he was his dad. Whether he is a blood relative or not seems to be a good 'excuse' for someone you find hard to deal with.
You could decide to be open and honest with him about what you know, but the relationship your DD has is about ties, not blood. She may or may not decide to pursue this.

Either way, you are free to decline his company at Xmas

The last couple of messages have ,made me think
Completely putting aside what's right or wrong

Actually we don't have to have anyone In our life who we don't want in it .
Relative or not .
Plenty of people cut of relatives for not being nice people and not getting along .
If your Spidey senses say you don't want him in your life or your dds you don't have to ..

There was another thread in a similar line to this, OP. The point I made there, I will make here
Today so many people do their family tree, many then do a DNA test to find relatives. If, in the future, your DD or this young man go down that route and discover that they are not related, then it opens up a real can on worms.
For now I would put him off an Xmas meet up
But I really think that you do need to tell him that there seemed to be a doubt about who was his biological father. At the end of the day he should know the truth.

This is great advice. Too much emphasis is put on blood relations. If your husband had adopted him would the situation be any different?

Poor man has recently lost his dad (who cares if not biological) and your dd is his only real connection to him.

How recently did your husband pass? Is this the first Christmas without him? Where did the son go before?

Op said her dd isn't keen on him.

I think it's obvious this man has been through the mill but so has op and he has a right to know but he may lash out or get violent who knows??

Maybe that's way off the mark but I think op needs to think about her own safety and her dds first.

Then gently tell this man the truth whilst profusely apologising, strongly reinforcing it's her dh descion etc.

@chasingsheep why not buy him an ancestry dna kit for his christmas?? then one for your daughter? quite innocuous and a normal gift to give.

This is the best answer.
Honesty is best, always, but there is a time and place for telling the truth.

Gently put him off this Christmas, but no need to say anything else just yet.

How often would you normally expect to see him? If it is only a couple of times a year, carry on as normal and hold fire for now.
In about a year, when the bereavement is not so close in time and raw, discuss the situation with your DD, and get her opinion of him - it will be affected by how much time they actually spent together. Ask her not to tell him as you will do that. Warn her he may want a blood test from her.

If you would normally see him more frequently, you may have to shorten this timetable.

Very soon after speaking to DD, promptly arrange to meet him and tell him the truth about his parentage, face to face. He needs to know.
But don't say anything at all in that conversation about his behaviour or about no longer seeing him.

Give it a further several months, keeping a bit of distance and minimal visits if you must. After that time, you could talk to him about his behaviour, if you think that will help or if you want to. If you still really don't like him, a gradual fade out would be best.

Meanwhile, as another OP said, check with a solicitor about your will and whether your DD inheritance is safe, or whether he could have any claim.

The thing that massively stands out here is NOBODY knows the truth if a DNA test was never carried out.

You can't just tell him he his not a biological son when it is equally possible that he is a half brother.

This is a terrible position for the OP to have been left in but the sooner this is resolved one way or another will be better for anyone

Oh yes. Buy a 14 year old an ancestry DNA kit and let her find out by stealth. Way to go.

And when it turns out they’re related after all? What then?

Personally I find it hard to believe that a woman would tell a man the child wasn’t his and still let the child believe he was, even though they weren’t together any more.

And what kind of man continues to lie to his children and expects his wife to keep up the pretence.

I think the OP needs to be careful what she wishes for, because I have a feeling things aren’t as the OP hopes.

Did you DH talk often about not being the bio dad? Or was it a one off convo early in the relationship? Did he pay maintenance?

Is your DH the only person to ever tell you this info? No one else to verify?

The reason I ask is because (and this sounds strange) your DH could've lied to you, be the dad and never been told he's not the dad. Or he could've been told once he'd not in a bad argument with the ex and clung onto it for some reason.

I say this because my friends partner told her that his DD wasn't really his but raised her as his own and that no one else knew. My friend thought he was great and amazing to take on a child not related but still pay CMS and have EOW etc purely from love and duty.
He came across as a noble man of honour.
Many years later she had an argument with his ex and my friend said 'i can't believe the complaints you make when DP doesnt even have to do any of this. Despite your behaviour he's acted like a dad to that girl for over a decade' or something along those lines. Anyways the ex was like 'wtf you on about?! He's DDs dad?'
Turns out he was the bio dad and her DP made up that lie early on in the relationship after a few drinks. He said he doesn't know why he said it but after he did he couldn't really take it back the next day. So he basically had to continue it forever. He never mentioned it to friend again after that night and swore her to secrecy at the time and to not speak of it. But really it was because it was a lie.

A bizarre lie told in the first few weeks of dating. To what end who knows? Make himself look good? Or like he had no ties/baggage as friend had no kids? Fuck knows. But he said it and tried to gloss over it for the next decade. Meanwhile friend thought she was harbouring some huge secret. So I could see similar happening to her if he had died but actually the reserve being true.

People make up strange things sometimes. Not saying that's happened but i wouldn't be 110% sure he's not the dad. Id Def want a DNA test if you decide to tell him his dad's confession for all parties.

This is a really difficult situation for you to be left in, on top of dealing with your grief and your daughters. I do think it seems very cruel to tell him the truth now, when he has just lost his dad, especially when it's been kept a secret for this long. Are there any other existing family members who you could discuss this with? It's a lot for you to shoulder on your own and I'd want to discuss with someone close if at all possible. I'm guessing he wants to spend Xmas with you and Dd as he sees you as his only remaining family so his feelings are maybe different than yours. Very difficult to navigate.

I think the ancestry DNA could be a good way. Tell your daughter first though. Give them both the kit as a present. You could present it to him as a way of him maybe tracking down some cousins or long lost relations . Tell him he could have more family he’s unaware of. You do need to support them both through this though and be prepared that he could actually be your late husbands son. Try not to let your dislike of him as a person cloud your judgement. Even just purely for the fact your husband loved him, how would he want you to handle this ?

This is awful you've been left in this situation but the harsh reality is that it needs clearing up quickly. Even if you liked the bloke (who has been dealt a bad hand in this) he needs to have the full facts at hand. Definitely get your DD up to speed as well, she has a right to know this 30 y/o man who thinks he's related isn't blood. I know that sounds a bit like a magazine headline but whilst the truth is awful it needs to come out.

It’s okay to say no. My dad had a son with his first wife (mentally unstable, died quite young) who is 16 years older than me. He is my actual biological half brother. He’s a bit of a arsehole though and caused no end of drama when my dad died (I was 18 so bit older than your dd).

I literally have no seen him since our last solicitor appointment dealing with dad’s estate. Walked out of there and I was like piss off. And that was 25 years ago now.

He is my actual (half) brother, but you don’t get to choose your family. You can say, sorry, not for me, thanks. I don’t think you need to be unkind and blow up his life, but just say, you aren’t invited to Christmas and give him a hard fade. I think in time writing him a letter perhaps about his background and giving him the chance to see out his family is a kind thing to do, but it may be something to do in stages.

You can't tell him now. Not now he's just lost his dad. Personally I'd say you're not up for hosting this year as grieving and you might go away for a bit. Or something like that

I think I'd be inclined to say that in view of having lost your DH you don't feel up to hosting anyone this Christmas. If he then contacts you again in the New Year, I would tell him that he's made it clear that he's never really liked you, and while you feel for him, having lost both parents, you think it's better if you don't to remain in contact, as in view of his past behaviour (assuming that it's been that bad) you have no wish to encourage a relationship between him and your DD.

Exactly. Totally agree. Absolutely horrific timing and information to come out after they are dead.

People banging on about mentally unstable- but OP has been clear this is a her issue and he is obnoxious not a sociopath!

Ffs. OP I'm sorry about your DH but this is a you problem not your DSS.

When did DH die?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't do anything rash for at least 6 months. Grief clouds the mind and big decisions are best left till later.

Tell him you have other plans this Christmas and leave it at that.

It's natural he feels an affinity with his now only surviving family - your DD. He's grieving as well. It's a very sad situation and you can't be certain that DH wasn't his dad really. Down the line Is there anyone else in the family you could tell- somebody who cares about him? They might be better placed to break the news.