Need advice on complicated family dynamic

[chasingsheep]

Married to DH for 22 years and recently widowed. We have a DD age 14.

DH had a DS (now 30) from a previous relationship (never married) where he casually dated a woman in Wales long distance for three months (he lived London) who fell pregnant. He moved there to join her when she was 8 months pregnant to make a go of it. By all accounts it was a disaster but they stuck it out for five years. She then admitted he was not the biological father but he was committed and a decent man and kept the role of dad when they separated. He's never told anyone apart from me and his own dad, who passed away. The ex has also passed away.

If you're still following, here is the issue. The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious. I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose. Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas. I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like telling him DD isn't his sibling and to leave us alone and just put a final end to it. I can't see what she gains from this other than dependency from a destructive man. This isn't her secret or burden or issue to take on.

AIBU to make a clean break?

@chasingsheep

The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious.

Those three words can have a plethora of meanings from insulting someone to punching someone in the nose . Do you mind saying/giving examples of how this 'manifests' itself?

I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose.

She's 14. She deserves to have her 'say' but you have the final word. If she wants to see him you facilitate as best as you can as long as he behaves appropriately to her and politely to you. If she doesn't want to see him or if you feel it would be detrimental to her then the answer to him is "Not at this time, maybe when she's older".

Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas.

No need to lie. You politely tell him that you and DD are spending a quiet Christmas, just the two of you, this year. No need to tell him where or how or say you're 'going out of town' if you aren't.

If he doesn't accept your decision, then you may have to take 'further steps' to make him understand. But again, these decisions should be made with your DD as the 'centre', not him and not your dislike of him.

As far as the issue of his paternity, leave it, especially as you would be doing it to 'end' any relationship with you and DD and to 'get him out of your life'. There's no point in destroying, for him, the memories of the relationship he and his dad had (as difficult as it was). The time may come when it is right to tell him, but that time is not now. It's all too fresh.

Such a range of different responses, that sums up there is no easy answer to any of this.

I'm going to digest what people have said and think it over. My gut is to leave it for now and take stock in 2025.

BTW there is an item on the BBC news today about 2 women who have found that they were accidentally swapped at birth in a hospital. How did they discover that? Because another family member did a DNA test for genealogy purposes and found a full sibling who they didn't know existed. The woman who he thought was his sister was no relation to him at all. Both were born in the same hospital a few hours apart.
Today these sorts of things can be found out.

He needs to know for health reasons. Does he have no family at all? It's really sad. His life is going to blow up 😥

I think more information may have given better responses. It's important really to know how much contact there was between your late DH and potential DS and some examples of his 'obnoxious' behaviour.

I agree both with cutting him off if he's abusive and cutting him some slack if he's been involved all this time.

Either way I think he needs to know there's some doubt about his biological father and offer to help resolve that. But not now. I wonder if you could use a mediator or therapist?

Health reasons is a good reason to tell him. He might be able to track relatives/dad down via ancestry if he's told. He might blindly be telling doctors your DHs info.

And once you're gone (sorry), your DD would feel this continuing burden of fake blood to her grave. Don't we all have that terrible relative who we feel obliged to invite or care about?

How long has it been since your DH passed? If it's going to be under 6 months at Christmas I might leave it til next year, otherwise tell him. Or at least tell your DD.

I think you need a meeting with him and DD before Christmas to say this is what you heard and do a DNA test on both of them to check they really aren't related. He then has a chance to find his own family. Can you meet him for a walk somewhere over Christmas but not have him to stay

The poor guy has experienced loss upon loss and is going to experience loss again.

I lost a parent this year. It would be the epitome of cruel in my opinion to deliver this potential news before someone has had real significant time to come to terms with grieving their loss properly. After that he may be able to see it as a phase of life with a man who was wonderful and kind to him and be curious about potential other relatives siblings with whom he shares traits with.

But a few months or a mere year is nowhere near enough (as I'm discovering) to put the death of his 'father' (and it still may be his actual father) in context, emotionally. To do it now...I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Poor bugger.

Youve said he’s overbearing and obnoxious- but I really don’t think that’s a reason to be cruel.
He’s only thirty and has lost both of his parents.

Personally I don’t think it’s your secret to tell (I say that as someone who’s adopted myself). Is there anyone who is close to him on his mums side (a grandparent or aunt) who may be better placed to do so - who would be doing it without malice.

Like it or not, he is part of your family

You may find him obnoxious but he has now lost both parents, poor chap.

To be now told that your DH was never his father, in the run up to his first Christmas without him, is beyond cruel and would absolutely devastate him. I think it could actually push him over the edge and you would have to live with that.

Have him over for Christmas Day - it's just an afternoon/evening after all, and make the poor guy feel welcome.

A lot can happen in a year and maybe by this time next year (or ideally before) you can find the right time to tell him the truth.

I agree with this, whether or not he’s your DH’s biological son, he’s just lost the man who has been his dad for 30 years. I’d fob him off about coming for Christmas, concentrate on getting your new normal with your DD and kick the can down the road a bit longer before going for the nuclear option.

Can I just say to ALL the posters saying, 'Poor chap, have him over for Christmas' or just 'Have him over for a little while on the day' etc that the OP has lost her DH and probably doesn't feel like hosting visitors - particularly unwelcome ones.

Why on earth should she? She and her DD are grieving. If she is going to put someone else first, over her own needs, it will be her 14 yo child - not an adult man she has a poor relationship with and doesn't like much.

Can we please remember that the OP is probably the one struggling the most with this loss - this is the person she was married to and who shared her life on a day to day basis. She shouldn't have to be dealing with this shit or people making her feel guilty that she finds this man intrusive when she is struggling.

Put aside whether this person is actually her DHs son or not - she doesn't have to spend a Christmas Day slaving over a stove and hosting other people shortly after a bereavement. I can't actually believe that anyone thinks she should be martyring herself to this extent!

It wouldn't be suggested that a man did it if he had lost his wife.

Hold up, so your dd thinks he’s her half brother? As does he? Nobody told him what his mum said? I would hugely discourage any relationship, tell your dd the truth (and him, he deserves to know, he can do the DNA test if you allow your dd to do the same for proof if necessary) and drop contact. He’s not a child, he’s not your problem/stepson.

Im very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard that is. You definitely shouldn’t be hosting someone for Christmas, let alone someone you can’t stand.

I agree. Time and 'distance' will help you see your path more clearly.

Best of luck to you and DD. I wish you peace in the New Year.