Need advice on complicated family dynamic

[chasingsheep]

Married to DH for 22 years and recently widowed. We have a DD age 14.

DH had a DS (now 30) from a previous relationship (never married) where he casually dated a woman in Wales long distance for three months (he lived London) who fell pregnant. He moved there to join her when she was 8 months pregnant to make a go of it. By all accounts it was a disaster but they stuck it out for five years. She then admitted he was not the biological father but he was committed and a decent man and kept the role of dad when they separated. He's never told anyone apart from me and his own dad, who passed away. The ex has also passed away.

If you're still following, here is the issue. The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious. I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose. Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas. I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like telling him DD isn't his sibling and to leave us alone and just put a final end to it. I can't see what she gains from this other than dependency from a destructive man. This isn't her secret or burden or issue to take on.

AIBU to make a clean break?

On the birth certificate, no DNA but general acceptance it's the truth. No reason for ex to lie. They look nothing like each other, not that that means much.

God, don't want to start with DNA etc as that's more drama.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

I think you've got enough on your plate for now and would simply respond to this man saying, 'I'm not up to hosting anyone for Christmas, having recently lost DH. We're not sure what our plans are at present - we might go to friends' and ignore any further communication about it.

What you do in the long term is up to you, but I quite understand why you don't want contact.

@Pottedpalm

Yes, I'm now at the point where I don't want any more lies. It's like a poison.

Where does the son live? Is he likely to doorstep you?

How often did he see his "dad" when your DH was alive? What was thier relationship like?

I mean you could tell him the truth but there isn't any real way of proving it is there? No way to DNA test? He could refuse to believe what you tell him?

I'd be inclined to keep contact minimal and non committal and hopefully he just fades away.

Ooh, how difficult.

I would tread very carefully if he's unstable. Very often we see one side of a person but it's important to remember that trauma can cause all sorts of challenging behaviour. No one knows what he has been through. They say, if it's hysterical it's historical....

Just say no to Christmas as you already have other plans. No need to justify. Other plans can be you and DD at home on your own.

You could suggest meeting up before or after for lunch. Set a time limit in your head and meet in a public place.

If your DD is mature enough I would tell her the truth and discuss how you can proceed going forwards. She may be able to help come up with a solution. If you tell him, it needs to be done gently with evidence. He's lost his Mum and now his Dad. That's tough for anyone.

I work in social care and some of the local family stuff that happens is shocking so take care.

I think I’d email him, tell him the truth then block him on everything. Harsh but the easiest way out. He’s probably going to be very angry, with you as everyone else to blame for this lie is dead.

I’m so terribly sorry you’ve lost your husband, you need only focus on yourself and DD. You should tell DD at the same time if you think she can handle it. If you think it’s better to wait do that. Is she having any grief counselling? If so you could ask the therapist for advise on how to tell DD?

Did the not-SS get anything in DH’s will?

Does the son know your late husband isn’t his father?

in all honestly if he does not. I’d not go against my late husband’s wishes.

That does not mean tho you need to play happy families, I’d keep the relationship at a long distance.

The first conversation you should have, is with your daughter @chasingsheep the whole truth.

Explain your concerns. He (the son) is not related to her etc.

Would you invite a stranger into your home just because they are aggressively pursuing a non-existent relationship?

Please protect yourself and your daughter.

I do understand your reticence wrt to a DNA test and all that entails, ultimately though, it will set you all free

do ancestry dna? act surprised

I'd tell him. I wouldn't want anyone like that near my child.

I feel extremely sorry for the poor man. I think I would let him come for xmas. He's lost the only father he's known and has no mother either.

He's his dad if he's on the BC and nothing has been done to contest paternity.

😱😱😱

Does he have no family on his mum’s side?

In your shoes, widowed, I would tell him that his parentage was his parents’ secret and not yours. That neither you nor your DD are related to him. You have to be prepared to share DD’s DNA with him though (you can thank your DH for that) - and also be prepared for the results to show that he is, in fact, your DH’s son.

If you can’t stomach any of that, you’re going to have to just cut him out of your life and live with that in your conscience, as well as the possibility that you may well be denying your DD a half-sibling.

Did your DH leave everything to you? With it eventually to go to DD? Is that why he’s maintaining this relationship?

I think a gentle half truth about not being able to host this Christmas is enough for now to keep him away, tell him you can't do it in the circumstances. No need to apologise. Then I think your dd needs to know the truth about him. As you say, it's like a poison to keep all these secrets and your dd is old enough to understand. When and how you tell him is the real problem, but at the moment just concentrate on you and your dd and keeping safe from the volatile ds.

If your husband did nothing about the paternity situation I would consider him to be your stepson and not get involved with the paternity issue.

There's no detail about how this man is awful so it's hard to comment on that, but I think it's reasonable for him to have a relationship with his sister, unless you have good reason not to allow for that of course.

You don't have to have him over for Christmas day I suppose - maybe another day over Christmas? Has he somewhere else to go? I think a relationship with your daughter is reasonable in the long term.

Whatever your motive OP and whatever you personally think about him, I think he deserves to know who he is and it would appear that you are the only person still living who can give him that information. Currently, he believes himself to be an orphan, but his real father, whoever he is, may still be alive. It would be a really decent thing for you to do if you could share that information with him so he can do as he wishes with it. As a PP suggested, I would draft an email to him and as kindly and sensitively as you can, give him the information. As for Christmas - just say no. You owe him nothing more than the above. My condolences on the death of your DH

Surely he has the right to search and possibly find a df and siblings? Maybe he knows and his attitude is a reflection of living with lies all around him.

I think this is a good idea.

If nothing else your dh and the ex's relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional and it's always possible the ex told him that, but that wasn't true.

If you tell him he wasn't his son, then if he's not he'll probably blame you, but if he does turn out to be his son then you've given him a stick to beat at you with.

If you tell him he wasn't his son, then if he's not he'll probably blame you, but if he does turn out to be his son then you've given him a stick to beat at you with.

Yes, this is a good point. I think I'd frame it as 'Your Mother told DH when you were a baby that he was not your father, but he already felt committed to you and wanted to be in your life, even if that was true'. That covers you if she was lying and just trying to get rid of your DH from her life.

Oh I'm not up for more subterfuge but can see why you'd suggest it.

He was given a chunky inheritance and also inherited well from his mother so money isn't an issue.

Maybe he knows something isn't right in all this, senses it. Him and DH had a complicated relationship that never quite fitted. He's quite moody and strong willed. Very loud and authoritative. I find him exhausting.

I do accept there is always a chance he is my DH son but I doubt it. Wouldn't make any sense. To what gain?

Also, I think you need to be fair to this man whether you like him or not. Be clear in your mind that he isn’t at fault for any of this. This is all your DH’s doing, for keeping this unconscionable secret. He may have done so for the sake of the then-boy this man was. But he had 30 years to rectify the situation and didn’t, took it to his grave and left others to deal with it (same goes for his mum btw).

It’s shockingly cruel when people do this to children who grow into adults. It’s absolutely destabilising and sometimes destructive. This 30yo man has done nothing wrong. You, not remotely related, know more about him than he does. Whatever your feelings towards him, don’t let cold-heartedness be one of them.

Oh god that's awful
I don't want to speak badly of your husband, because he's died ,but ...
What was your husband thinking, leaving you in this situation.
He should of told him the truth before he died ...unless his death was suddenly,then he couldn't.
But even so,that lie should not of been left at your door .
This should not be your problem
Absolutely tell him the truth ,he's a grown man .
What about inheritance
If your husband is on his birth certificate,and you die ,do you want him trying to claim half of your daughters money...have you done a will
How close were the son and dad ..that would effect any decisions,if they saw each other every week and had a close relationship,that makes it tricky too
A

The only person you owe anything to is your daughter. And I would tell her the whole story. You may find that once she learns he isn’t actually her brother, she doesn’t want to see him.
And why would you consider hosting him at Christmas when you know he doesn’t like you? I would just say no that won’t be possible, and wait to see how your daughter reacts.
And remember this isn’t your fault.

That's a fair comment. I never asked to know and wished I didn't.