Sharing a room is a 'sign of poverty'?

[DesTeeny]

A close friend has said that sharing a room as children is a sign of poverty.

AIBU to think this just isn't true?

Context: We have the opportunity to be mortgage free in a 3 bed house through inheritance, our two DC (3 & 1 both girls) will share a room and we will keep a spare room.

Spare room is for family/friends visiting as we have no nearby relatives so we have people to stay often but will be used as a 'break out' room for DC if they need space. We will set it up with a desk for homework, and a day bed to read and relax on, but it is quite a small box room so it seemed sensible to have DC share a very large room (15*13ft) rather than one DC have a huge room and one have a tiny one.

The room is big enough for a day bed so for example my Mum will be able to stay, or our nieces and nephews on a day bed and a pull out, but other than a desk and a day bed there's no room for anything else.

The alternative was that we use the inheritance to take out a mortgage on a 4+ bed house, but we don't see the point as the house we have is a large 3 bed and will suit our needs entirely (from our perspective).

However, close friend has said that sharing a room is a "sign of poverty" and can't believe we're even considering it when we could have a larger house with a mortgage.

Actually the aristocracy used to put them altogether a nursery until they were quite old - probably until the boys went off to boarding at about 8. And even then they were in dorms until older year groups.

So children sleeping apart is quite recent. I read a book by a woman who claimed it was at the root of sleeping issues in western infants and toddlers. Apparently cultures where they sleep with mum have very few broken nights.

Your friend clearly lives on another planet. Where I am it's very common, for younger siblings to share. I know quite a few 3/4 children families where it's obviously necessary (it's a lower middle class area I'd say so not 'poor')

My own boys shared for years, it was practically eaiser when they were smaller and they never complained so I'm generally a fan when the children are small. That being said, we specifically moved two years ago so that they could have their own rooms (eldest was year 5 at the time). If you can't afford an extra bedroom fine but I do find it a bit odd that you'd prioritise a guest room. Hardly anyone I know has a guest room. They probably all do play musical beds when people come to stay though, and/or organise an airbed in the lounge.

Of course children that are 1 and 3 can share a room. The youngest can move to the box room when the 3 YO is 11 or 12. They will want their own space when they're teenagers.

Not a sign of poverty as such but it's not ideal. If you can be mortgage free with a 3 bed, surely you could get a 4 bed with a small, affordable mortgage?
Anyway, you do have a spare room, but you are just choosing to use it as guest room. I suppose at the moment it's fine given your children are so young. But is this your 'forever house' , will you be willing to give up your spare bedroom eventually when your children do want their own rooms?

What’s the problem with that? Me and my husband would love this! But then my mum is very hands on. It’s like having an extra parent around for the kids who likes to potter around and tidy up and is happy to babysit whenever we like.

There are ways to give children their own space even within a shared room - you might just need some design advice later on, if the girls continue to share.

Your friend is bonkers - sharing might be a sign of poverty if combined with other factors, but not exclusively. Some kids love sharing, some kids also love a small cosy room, so the box room may not be an issue later. You can also swap rooms around - one gets the big room for 2 years, then they exchange. It's not insurmountable.
If you are mortgage free, you might build an extension at some point, who knows?

It costs a lot of money upfront to move and depends how far away they move.

If its the same town, the cheaper property may be in a less desirable area, which, when you look at how they use deprivation data, would mean that although a family may now have a bigger house, the area they live in is a more deprived area, so they are still 'deprived' but in a different way.

I think it's weird to have a 3-bed and your kids not to have their own room, but I guess at that age it won't bother them. You might find when they're older one of them is perfectly happy to have the smaller room - I did when I was a kid, I preferred the box room. If I were you I'd just be open to letting one of them move into the box room if/when they express a preference for it. Any room in the garden for a garden room type thing in future or maybe a loft conversion if you're desperate for a spare room?

Depending on the layout of the room they share, windows/doors etc then the room could be divided as they get older so you can keep the spare room. Avoids arguments about who gets the bigger room too.

If your girls are arguing because they want their own space and you're saying no because you want the the spare room then that's different.

But generally no, sharing a room isn't reflective of income all the time.

My two eldest sisters had their own rooms but often slept in the same room together because they preferred it

If you had two opposite sex children at different ages then it could be more of a financial indicator that you were struggling

You have your mum stay for a week every month?!

Some people like their family & spending time with them…

The was said of Michael Heseltine by Alan Clarke in his very funny (otherwise) diary!

We've got 3 in one room, and a guest room for now. Family is so much more important to toddlers than their own bedroom, as is financial security. Toddlers don't need their own space, you can reassess if/when the need arises. Pay absolutely no notice.

I have a brother and a sister, and grew up in a council house. If you have kids of the same sex, the council deem that you only need the one room for them. So my brother had his own room, and I shared with my sister until we were both in our 20s (I left at 24ish).
Was a pain when she had boyfriends round, as I was locked out my own room.

I used to have a boyfriend that shared with his half sister well into their late teens. She had a baby at one point, and he had to share with the kid too.

I really wouldn't worry about it now.

You have two very small children and as long as they aren't waking each other, then they are fine sharing. They may be happy sharing together for quite a while yet.

You also have options for the future - there is a possibility for you to move into the children's room and to re portion the other two rooms - a friend of mine did this so that her two boys had rooms the same size. Other options are to move or to extend (is there an attic space?). Obviously there is always the third bedroom as it is for one child. These are all just options though - your DC may be content to continue sharing.

Having spare money for days out, extra curricular stuff and holidays is a huge bonus and I would never recommend that anyone overextends themselves financially on their home at the expense of everything else.

You may also find that things change in time around how often your mum is able to visit so nothing needs to be set in stone at the moment.

Even if they are waking each other it's not something that will go on forever.

People are far better to be comfortable with a bit of spare change at the end of the month than to be stretched tight and struggling the second the have a blip in the finances.

A little bit like theme of Pulp's "Common People", if you are choosing for your kids to share but could easily afford/rearrange for them not to it doesn't really count in the same way.

It does have a huge garden. No scope to extend further than the current extension but there would be space for a garden type room, yes. That's a very good point.

But that is much the nature of the UK’s housing stock. It might seem fairer to have 2 kids share the largest bedroom and use the tiny one as something else. Or have 3 kids in order to make it look more fair!

Kids shared a bedroom years ago. No dramas - that’s just how it was. 🤷‍♀️

I think it sounds a bit as though your friend is perhaps a little envious of your mortgage free status and wants to rain on your parade. She is talking nonsense and you should take absolutely no notice of her and do whatever works for you and your family. If you have received a substantial inheritance then you are obviously not poor!

I don’t read that at all. I read it she doesn’t think the kids should share when the op doesn’t need to make them and let’s face it, reading the thread,loads Agree.

Haven't read the whole thread.

Our boys (4 and 6) share and it's currently brilliant - the 4 year old is scared of the dark and loves having his big brother there. It's easier putting them to bed simultaneously rather than dashing between two rooms.

We're planning to move to a bigger house by the time the oldest is 12 - that's when I got my own room and had no issue sharing with my sister until then (my husband shared with his siblings until he was 15 - again doesn't recall hating this).

Unfortunately in our postcode a 3+ bed house sets you back £800k - £1.2 million so we're busy overpaying the current mortgage/saving. Of course if we lived in a different part of the country things would be different but this is our choice/values as a family. We're not "poor" by the way.... just value house location over size! Each to their own.

Even if they are waking each other it's not something that will go on forever.

Personally I think good quality sleep is incredibly important for children. It affects their behaviour, mood and wellbeing so much. It's pretty shit being woken up multiple times a night. It's a big part of why I wouldn't want mine to share unless I really couldn't afford for them to have separate rooms

These days it's absolutely not a sign of poverty if DC share a room and your friend must be speaking from a privileged position.
In your case, you have a spare room for a bedroom as DC grow and you can shuffle rooms around if you have visitors or get a sofa bed
At one point I had 3 DS's in one room.. Bunk beds and a cot