Sharing a room is a 'sign of poverty'?

[DesTeeny]

A close friend has said that sharing a room as children is a sign of poverty.

AIBU to think this just isn't true?

Context: We have the opportunity to be mortgage free in a 3 bed house through inheritance, our two DC (3 & 1 both girls) will share a room and we will keep a spare room.

Spare room is for family/friends visiting as we have no nearby relatives so we have people to stay often but will be used as a 'break out' room for DC if they need space. We will set it up with a desk for homework, and a day bed to read and relax on, but it is quite a small box room so it seemed sensible to have DC share a very large room (15*13ft) rather than one DC have a huge room and one have a tiny one.

The room is big enough for a day bed so for example my Mum will be able to stay, or our nieces and nephews on a day bed and a pull out, but other than a desk and a day bed there's no room for anything else.

The alternative was that we use the inheritance to take out a mortgage on a 4+ bed house, but we don't see the point as the house we have is a large 3 bed and will suit our needs entirely (from our perspective).

However, close friend has said that sharing a room is a "sign of poverty" and can't believe we're even considering it when we could have a larger house with a mortgage.

It’s also quite normal to share a room at boarding school.

YANBU. Your friend sounds v judgemental.

We all make different choices about living arrangements. I lived in a one-bedroom flat with three young kids. We had lots of overnight guests as we had a sofa bed in the separate living room and a large kitchen onto the garden, which we tended to socialise in anyway.

A three-bedroom house is perfectly adequate long-term for a family with two kids. It can accommodate different life stages. They tend to like sharing when they’re younger and often nag for bunk beds. So your current set up seems ideal for a while to allow you a guest bedroom/playroom/study/drying room.

Then, when they’re older and wanting their own space, bunk beds or pull-out beds allow them to share at odd times to free up a room for overnight guests. They’re also handy for sleepovers. If you put a double bed in the largest kids bedroom (which secondary age kids prefer), it more easily doubles up as a guest bedroom. If space is tight, IKEA have a single daybed, which turns into a double bed.

To give yourself maximum flexibility, I’d recommend a sofa bed in the living room as well. You have to be careful what you buy, as some sofa beds are hellishly uncomfortable as everyday sofas. Then a teenage kid (or even you) could take the living room and granny or friends could be given their own private guest room. Sometimes (e.g. Xmas), when extended family or friends with kids stay, it helps to have the option of two guest rooms.

And, longer term if money allows, you could extend into the loft or on the ground floor, to give you an additional en-suite bedroom. A ground-floor bedroom can really help future-proof. It allows an older/sick relative, or anyone who struggles with stairs, to stay over on the ground floor. And effectively gives you a bungalow set-up when you’re older. You can even have French doors onto a patio.

I don't understand people that put their kids (tiny kids) in separate bedrooms... would you have to do two bedtimes?
My girls like to sleep in a pile on top of each other...

Also, in countries where aircon is required all night - kids quite often sleep in parents rooms. Our very wealthy friends in the Middle East do this...

Obviously not a hard and fast rule. We are very fortunate to have a 7 bedroom house, but as our kids are really close and don’t like sleeping alone, they all share one bedroom! We should have saved our money and stuck with our old smaller house 😂

If the 3 bedroom house meets your needs and you are happy where you are, then ignore what anyone else thinks.

Children really need their own room for privacy, their own space and sense of identity as well as avoiding fcked up psychological issues (inadequacy and chronic competitiveness) arising from fighting for space and attention in a shared space.*

Is this why older generations struggle so much?

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd yep, I shared a large room with my siblings in our holiday home in France because it was the coldest room & we always had guests.

Poverty is much more than sharing a room. I would say that a lack of choice indicates poverty much more.

Many people choose smaller houses and kids sharing rooms in order to choose to spend their money elsewhere. Our kids (6yr age gap) shared until the eldest started secondary school. We're now in the biggest room, the eldest is in a double sized room and our youngest is in a small single sized room. When the eldest moves out, the youngest will get their room and the single will be a spare room. We absolutely promise to provide a roof over their heads as long as they need it, but we can't guarantee they'll retain their old bedroom.

Well actually, sharing a room and bed as a couple was a sign of poverty. Just seems to have stuck.

I don't know what your friends on about anyway. It's not as if you're short on bedrooms. There are options if issues come up.

Ridiculous. I have a four bedroom house. My 2 DD (5 & 7) share because they want too, their choice, they are very close.

But it is different if they are actively choosing to and could at any time change their minds and have separate rooms

I think it is. We can see how teenage kids ideally need their own room, but think nothing of the parents having to share. If I had the space I’d always opt for my own bedroom, and ‘invite’ my partner to sleep in it. I once shared a 3 bedroom flat with a friend and my bf. We each had our own bedroom. I loved it. All his stuff (decks, weights, books, wet towels on the floor) was in his room. My space was exactly how I wanted it. We slept in it together every night, other than when I paid his room a visit 😉

It's about doing what's right for your family, and it's none of your friend's business. Why saddle yourself with a larger mortgage than you need if everyone's happy with your current situation.
I grew up in a big draughty farmhouse, and always shared with my sister even although there was a spare bedroom. It was just accepted that it was a guest room. My family were not well off, but the bedroom sharing was not for that reason.

She is very important to us, as the only living grandparent. We're also in the middle of my other siblings so she can stay with us and visit everyone with a (long) day trip but if she stayed with my other siblings she'd be too far away from at least one of us to visit us all if that makes sense. Sometimes it's a long weekend rather than a week, but yes, she comes to stay with us for at least 3-4 days a month.

Not necessarily a sign of powerty, but one should provide separate rooms for children, or just don't have as many, if a bit enough space cannot be purchased/rented.

My parents were not poor, quite the opposite. But my sibling and I were made to share. To 'reinforce the bond' or some such shit. I suspect I might be autistic (not a thing in those days) and even if not, I'm an introvert and crave my own space, place to decompress. It was hell for me, I hated it and moved out as soon as I could.

So depends on children, I guess. Some might find sharing ok or even preferable.

DD and I live in a three bed now. A room each, one spare, living room, conservatory and laundry room. My parents still chastise me for having a too big house for just two people. I can't stand living on top of each other and wouldn't have more children if I couldn't ensure they each have their personal space.

Your friend is talking nonsense, and completely over-stepping! Your finances and living arrangements are none of her business.

Do what suits you now without any regard for her opinion, and reassess when the DC are older, if sharing becomes less favourable, eg incompatible sleep patterns, interests, homework etc.

This is one of the more bizarre MN posts

OP has a 3 bed house but two kids are crammed in to one room so that a guest has their own room on the rare occasion somebody visits

I mean, they won't be crammed, it's a massive room... and it isn't rare that we have people stay. We regularly have someone to stay.

It's just ridiculous, and really pisses me off when people say they live in "poverty" when - most of the time - they have a roof over their head, food, TVs, smartphones etc.

Go to a third world country, THEN you'll see poverty.

This is one of the more bizarre MN posts
OP has a 3 bed house but two kids are crammed in to one room so that a guest has their own room on the rare occasion somebody visits

The above is bizarre in it’s lack of comprehension!

Where has the OP inferred her dc are crammed? Someone visiting regularly for a period of time does not mean a rare occasion…

Quite right. Family is so important to kids. I have a tiny family and my kids have felt that at times compared to kids with tons of aunties, uncles and cousins. My mum stayed over once a week when we lived in a one-bedroom flat, to help with childcare and because she loved to spend time with her grandkids and they with her.

But not as often as you have your kids to stay!

It's fine for as long as your kids are happy to share but I feel like once they stop being happy about it or if they have sleep issues and disturb each other, you need to be prepared to put them first.

Personally I would just get a bigger house as it sounds like that's totally affordable for you - but obviously you could do the sofa bed thing if you prefer for guests.

I believe the appropriate reply to your friend is ODFOD.

The girls should have their own rooms if you have them. Guests would not take priority in my house.

They'll be fine sharing for ten years. If they do eventually want their own rooms, you could move to the back bedroom and shift the wall between the front bedrooms to make them more even. Or you could have saved up for a loft conversion by then.