Is this all just friendly, or am I being paranoid?

[Theyu4]

I have a work colleague (London/banking) who has become very close with me over the years. I can’t work out if he’s genuinely nice to me for no reason or if there’s more to it. Perhaps my judgement is clouded by the fact that many “friendly men” in my career ended up making a move on me, etc.
He has been a lifesaver at work. We support each other; he helps me, and I help him. He’s always there for me.
But I can’t shake the feeling there’s more in it: for instance, I have another senior member of the department commenting on our close relationship, he comes to my desk a lot to chat, he calls me on the pretext of work and can easily talk for 40 mins, he compliments me on my work performance, he told me a lot of deeply personal things. But equally, we never text outside work hours, and he never said anything inappropriate. The thing is that he’s not like this with others at all at work. Lately, he’s been involving me in his projects and client meetings when that’s not essential.
The other day, he came to my desk and said, "I saw you smiling, and you looked happy, so I wanted to say I am glad you are." Maybe this could be acceptable for an extroverted individual but not for a 50-something introverted married man.

Should I lean in and let him be there for me or keep my guard up? Maybe my past experiences are clouding my judgment.

For context, we are both at the same level at work.

“ I’d better get on with my work now …”

I was having similar thoughts op.

A few of your posts come across as though you are hoping we see something in it all - especially as it isn’t really that tricky to shut someone down. “ I’d better get on with my work now” when he’s getting into personal information is all it would take to clear the situation up tidily.

yup. Wise.

The one about the work trip?

I have a great relationship with my old manager, he’s a wonderful mentor and we continued this mentor/mentee relationship after we both left the company and he supported me through leaving a very toxic work situation. It has never ever been more than a respectful friendship, though of course there were rumours, toxic workplace boss also accused me of sleeping my way up the ladder. My old boss/mentor did happen to mention that he also went through a rough work transition when he was younger, so he understood the pain of it. There are genuine people out there who only want the best for you! Friendship and the satisfaction of helping someone succeed I believe are their own reward.

It’s so hard to say because, as women, we’re so used to men having ulterior motives for being friendly! I think my deal-breaker would be “would he say that to me in front of his wife?” and if the answer is ever no then I’d back off.

Do you think he's being paternal/avuncular given that you are younger?

OP it's ok for like minded people to be friends at work, in a supportive way. I'd make it clear now to him, obliquely, that you never go out with married men.

Good look.

I am not much younger than him. Our kids are of the same age.

That’s a good point.

I am figuring it out, yes. The issue I have is that the place where I work is stressful and lacks management support. I have two to three colleagues, including him, who are my sounding board. I wouldn’t want to lose that support by shutting him down.

I’m getting Love Actually vibes

I worked with a man more than twenty years ago who sounded so similar. He was married too. But we had a great work relationship and we just clicked. He was kind and supportive. I left the company but we stayed in touch. He divorced - very amicably. And we’re still great friends. Just friends. He’s just one of life’s really nice people. It’s rare - especially in corporate business!

I have learned the hard way, if you feel confused, self-doubting, maybe paranoid - then something is up.

The fact another colleague has pointed out to you they've noticed this man's attentions is another clue something is up.

By the way, namechange fail.

To me it just sounds like a very good work friendship which has stood the test of time.

I have had a few such male friends, they have been very special friendships but never in an inappropriate way, and at times with married men who genuinely value and care deeply about their wives. I remember one colleague whose wife was very ill for while, he was desperately worried about her and needed someone to talk to as he clearly couldn't burden her with all his worries while she was ill. Our talks were deeply personal but I believe he felt supported enough to be a strength to his wife, and fortunately she pulled through. We remained friends for some years but they are very much a happily married couple.

I do wish that, as a society, we were better at having close friendships with others without it having some other "meaning" attached. Surely you have close, sharing friendships with your married female friends without it being a problem to their other relationships, why not with a male friend? You said yourself it has gone on for while, always only at work, never inappropriate and no texts outside of work. Sounds perfectly ordinary to me.

Enjoy a true friendship for what it is. If it ever started to become inappropriate, well, then you would start to say "I've appreciated your support over the years but I'd like to keep our friendship as it is". But I wouldn't shut a supportive friend down 'just in case' they might not be!

I had a very good friend/work colleague like that but he was gay and if he hadn't been I would have distanced myself quickly. I think there's more too it but if it's helping you and you don't let it cross the line I.e. more than work go with it. Just remb he's a married man.

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If he tells you deeply personal things then he has questionable boundaries, and is being unfair to his wife. Whether he knows it or not he’s trying to get personal needs met by you.
i suspect that he talks about you a lot at home and that’s why he didn’t want you to meet his wife. Maybe because when she sees you she’ll be suspicious?
work colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and if he overshares tell him it’s not appropriate.

If he tells you deeply personal things then he has questionable boundaries, and is being unfair to his wife. Whether he knows it or not he’s trying to get personal needs met by you.
i suspect that he talks about you a lot at home and that’s why he didn’t want you to meet his wife. Maybe because when she sees you she’ll be suspicious?
work colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and if he overshares tell him it’s not appropriate.

definitely has a soft spot for you , enjoys your company and likes you /is attracted . But reigning himself in as he is married and possibly waiting for a cue from you (which you haven’t given) . Your intuition and nagging feeling is right . As long as you keep your boundaries are clear and he is a great colleague and support nothing wrong per se . If you feel at any point it’s getting too personal you can always take a step back .

I think he is doing a lot of creepy stuff: remembering what you said a year ago, coming to your desk to say he’s glad you look happy, chatting for ages, pulling you into his work when it’s not your work… honestly it sounds a little stalkerish.

I am often surprised by some very and deeply personal stuff he tells me—the stuff you would share with your closest friend or wife. He calls often when we are WFH, and these calls are work-related but have a lot of personal sharing elements. It could be that he’s very comfortable with me.

Well, when you put it that way…it could be he’s just a caring person.

I am often surprised by some very and deeply personal stuff he tells me—the stuff you would share with your closest friend or wife. He calls often when we are WFH, and these calls are work-related but have a lot of personal sharing elements. It could be that he’s very comfortable with me.

You sound besotted op.