Is this all just friendly, or am I being paranoid?

[Theyu4]

I have a work colleague (London/banking) who has become very close with me over the years. I can’t work out if he’s genuinely nice to me for no reason or if there’s more to it. Perhaps my judgement is clouded by the fact that many “friendly men” in my career ended up making a move on me, etc.
He has been a lifesaver at work. We support each other; he helps me, and I help him. He’s always there for me.
But I can’t shake the feeling there’s more in it: for instance, I have another senior member of the department commenting on our close relationship, he comes to my desk a lot to chat, he calls me on the pretext of work and can easily talk for 40 mins, he compliments me on my work performance, he told me a lot of deeply personal things. But equally, we never text outside work hours, and he never said anything inappropriate. The thing is that he’s not like this with others at all at work. Lately, he’s been involving me in his projects and client meetings when that’s not essential.
The other day, he came to my desk and said, "I saw you smiling, and you looked happy, so I wanted to say I am glad you are." Maybe this could be acceptable for an extroverted individual but not for a 50-something introverted married man.

Should I lean in and let him be there for me or keep my guard up? Maybe my past experiences are clouding my judgment.

For context, we are both at the same level at work.

You are clearly questioning something here, is this something you want? Something is holding you back, do you know what it is?

Do you think senior management just came up with this or do you think he has been pushing them to move you to work more closely with him?

Personally I would say you need to do what you feel is best rather than wonder about him or his motives. If you are questioning this move, the old adage "If in doubt, do nowt" comes to mind. It's your career not his, if making the same moves as someone else was guarenteed success, we'd all be rolling in cash.

Just to buck the trend, I have a work colleague who is male, I am female.

We don't share an office, he is much higher up than me, but we do chat daily, and if I'm at home we chat on speaker so my husband joins In the conversation too.

We chat about work, and our personal lives and anything in between.

I love this man to bits as a friend, but that's it. It does happen.

It’s not easy to erase those situations in my past when many of my so-called close male friends turned out to want more. Of course, not all men/not every male friend, but many enough to make me feel guarded.
I do not base my worth on men's desires and needs. I am simply cautious around men who go out of their way to be extra helpful, remember the facts I mentioned in in passing years back, or comment on my smile.

This is Mumsnet remember, opposite sexes can never be friends, one is always secretly wanting to shag the other. (Even though I’ve got very close friends of the opposite sex I’ve been friends with for 20 years and nothing remotely flirty has ever happened ).

I never thought he might have proposed it to senior management. That’s a good point. Perhaps he didn’t, but they would have asked for his opinion as he’s well-regarded in that department.

I have many male friends too. I prefer to err on the side of caution in the office, though.

It’s understandable that you're feeling mixed signals, especially given your past experiences. Your colleague's behavior does seem like a blend of personal and professional support, and while it could be entirely genuine, there are a few elements that might warrant caution.

His actions—like the extended conversations, personal compliments, and sharing private information—go beyond typical workplace friendliness, particularly since he doesn't behave this way with others. Even the comment about seeing you smile is kind, yet perhaps unusually personal for a professional setting, especially if he’s more introverted.

That said, the fact that he’s never crossed any clear boundary, like inappropriate remarks or communication outside of work, could indicate that he values and respects the professional boundaries you've both upheld.

It might help to keep your guard up a bit and observe his behavior for consistency over time. Continue being friendly and supportive but be mindful of maintaining boundaries that feel comfortable to you. If he’s genuinely just a close work ally, the dynamic will likely stay supportive without veering into uncomfortable territory. If his intentions shift or feel unclear, a polite step back in some of the more personal interactions (like those lengthy, non-essential calls) could help reestablish a strictly professional rapport.

Navigating this carefully may let you keep a strong, beneficial professional relationship without the risk of blurred boundaries.

OP, having read your messages back, I think you are looking for reasons to talk about this man, who you objectively find attractive although you don't want to risk your family for him. I suspect you do rather like thinking about him and he's playing on your mind, which is why you are figuring it out here. Remember you don't have to move to his department if it doesn't suit your career, and you are in control as he is not your boss and you don't have to be any more friendly than how you are right now. We don't know his inner thoughts and neither do you. Just have a think about why you are posting all this.

Unfortunately the fact your asking this question OP actually answers your question. Obviously this working relationship is making you uncomfortable so it suggests boundaries are being crossed by you both. You sound like a caring attractive successful woman who would be there for your friends & colleagues if required. The problem occurs when there is a line crossed & people become so close, especially at work, the relationship begins to evolve into something more than initially intended. It's up to the people involved to make sure this doesn't happen unless they are happy to begin an affair & ruin families in the aftermath.

Interesting that you 'love him to bits'
Is he married?

OP, your posting style and the content seem really familiar. Did you post in a similar vein previously?

Sounds like he respects you, likes working with you and wants you to be happy. Nice.

I'd leave it, I'd continue to work well together and ignore him out of work. I wish all my colleague were like this

I am close with a few men at my work, we laugh and joke together, take walks to the shop together on lunch, go for dinner when working away together, all completely normal behavior where i have worked. If he's not making you feel uncomfortable I don't see the issue. If he is, ask him to stop or distance yourself

If he were a she would you be asking the same question? I get why you are though. It’s a shame that we have to question these things because of that reason.

this!

Would you feel uneasy if a woman was treating you this way?
I don't click with many people but the ones I do click with I become very close to, male or female. I've had a male friend of 20 years who knows all my secrets and we know each other inside out. Nothing romantic ever. I also have had a male colleague who was the person I'd usually go to when struggling at work and we also discussed personal things. Never had any contact outside of work, both happily married and never anything more than very good work friends.
If it's been like this for a couple of years and he has never come on to you or tried to contact you outside of work why are you now questioning the relationship?

If I were you I would make it really clear to him where I stand " It's wonderful to have a nice work friend like you, I just told DH the other day. Maybe we could all go out to dinner with spouses an evening. I would love to meet your wife."

I agree with this. 100% he fancies you but that doesn't mean he'll definitely over step. If you made the first move though I doubt he'd say no.

I work in finance and have had quite a few genuinely close friendships with male colleagues over the years that are quite different from their relationships with other colleagues - probably linked to me being a woman and the rest being male as I do think men often communicate differently with women and I like building authentic relationships. However, not one of them has ever been even slightly inappropriate. I would never jump to the conclusion that just because they show an interest in you as a human being and genuinely care about you it is somehow sexual - indeed in one of the few cases where I got comments about how it must be more from others I was sure it wasn’t and later found out he was privately gay. Don’t deprive yourself of a great friendship just because a bunch of people on mumsnet still think no married man should have female friends - if he’s never said anything that is inappropriate (being glad you’re happy is not inappropriate) then trust your instincts.

It sounds like he is playing the long game and if you were to give him the hint of a chance, he'd snatch it up. I think that married men are often like this because they don't want to blow up their comfortable home life if you aren't a sure thing.
I know how it feels OP, it feels like they all hit on you eventually. Even my gay best friend from school did it.

I had a male colleague who was the best person I have ever worked with- we got on well, had similar sense of humour and would always encourage the other to be the best they could. Never anything other than a supportive working relationship- did not contact each other outside of work but we worked well together and were closer than to some of our other colleagues because of similar work ethics/wanting to do a good job. Nothing romantic and although I was gutted when he left, we did not keep in touch. You have mentioned this man does not contact you outside of work, you feel he does not make inappropriate comments and is supportive and encouraging. In my experience, irrelevant of gender, two colleagues appearing closer will lead to comments from other staff members.
I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe taking a step back. I do think your concerns may be shaped by previous experiences of male colleagues- perhaps as my own has been!

OP he is not doing this innocently. Gosh I've been there soon many times from men that I though as a mentor, fatherly figures, from married colleagues that I felt safe with because they were always talking about their wife (an strategy to get into intimate conversations and intimacy for most men leads to sex) If you are single you will very likely get blamed if his wife's suspects anything and this may damage your image work. Distance yourself

My female colleague told me yesterday that I am so tall and beautiful and asked why I am always conservatively dressed. She said that I should be wearing something a bit more fun and stop dressing like a nun.

Oh please. This is so fake.

I say ride it out until you know for sure one way or another which way the wind blows. Maybe he likes hanging with you because you make him feel young, maybe to him you two just click, or maybe he’s bisexual and has the hots for you. There’s a good chance the first two options are correct. Why ruin a friendship on a maybe?

You are his work wife. Sounds like he is infatuated with you.