Is this all just friendly, or am I being paranoid?

[Theyu4]

I have a work colleague (London/banking) who has become very close with me over the years. I can’t work out if he’s genuinely nice to me for no reason or if there’s more to it. Perhaps my judgement is clouded by the fact that many “friendly men” in my career ended up making a move on me, etc.
He has been a lifesaver at work. We support each other; he helps me, and I help him. He’s always there for me.
But I can’t shake the feeling there’s more in it: for instance, I have another senior member of the department commenting on our close relationship, he comes to my desk a lot to chat, he calls me on the pretext of work and can easily talk for 40 mins, he compliments me on my work performance, he told me a lot of deeply personal things. But equally, we never text outside work hours, and he never said anything inappropriate. The thing is that he’s not like this with others at all at work. Lately, he’s been involving me in his projects and client meetings when that’s not essential.
The other day, he came to my desk and said, "I saw you smiling, and you looked happy, so I wanted to say I am glad you are." Maybe this could be acceptable for an extroverted individual but not for a 50-something introverted married man.

Should I lean in and let him be there for me or keep my guard up? Maybe my past experiences are clouding my judgment.

For context, we are both at the same level at work.

This made me laugh. I am alive and breathing.
What make you think “I do like nice or whatever I wrote there” isn't a living/breathing individual thing to say?

It’s the not introducing you to his wife that makes it wrong.

We don’t have that system in place. Plus, I am not creeped out by him or anything. I don’t know when he’s in. If he’s in, we chat and if not, all fine.

Why is this unfortunate?You’re considering on leaning in.

I don’t follow.
My female colleague told me this, not him.

Yes, I thought that was a bit odd, considering that we are good work friends.

Just make sure you keep a distance. Be friendly. Polite. Avoid blurring of boundaries.

Unless you want to encourage romantic feelings.
Focus on keeping it work-friend-appropriate.

Only because if anything does happen, or he wants it to happen and you shut it down, you'll be the one to suffer. Not him.

Don't be flattered. Keep it very straightforward. Get on with your work.

I think not having a rota is pretty unlikely and your posts about being tall and attractive, the colleague not being British (why is that relevant?), not being creeped out by him (when your post is complaining about him) is unrealistic. I don't think you are a real person

Fuxk me that's a leap!

If this has been going on for some time why are you only now asking this question OP?

Has something changed?

There are no rotas. We worked from home during Covid and managed. We must be in one anchor day, 2-3 days a week.
He never commented that I was tall or beautiful. That comment was made by my non-British female colleague, who doesn’t understand that those comments might not be appropriate.

Good luck with your issues. I am now going to unwatch this thread

Good question. Yes, I feel something changed. He's been asking me to move to his department lately, saying it’s good for my career, and has been advocating for me internally. He made the same move years ago and said it worked for him. He's also started to involve me more in his meetings, etc. when he doesn’t have to.

I have been in a similar position but with my boss. He was/is very happily married, whereas back then, I was happily single. We got on like a house on fire. Same sense of humour, same morals, same work ethic and same bad habits (food). We hugged each other when we met, our actions didn't change in any way when his wife was around. He adored his wife.

There were lots of work related events (with clients) that partners were invited to and due to his wife's job, she couldn't or didn't want to attend and she asked me if I would go with him. I even house/dog sat for them when they went abroad.

The rumour mill started and we thought it was hysterical, as did his wife and would fan the flames by linking arms as we went out for lunch. Friends and colleagues would tell us what the rumour mill was saying and they were putting two and two together and getting 5.

Our big boss was also in on the joke but he did tell me that some people would believe the gossip and assume I was sleeping my way to the top.

But we worked well together and we understood where the line was drawn so we just cracked on. We were very good friends and work colleagues and the trust we shared enhanced our work capabilities.

I then met someone who I left the company for as he lived 4 hrs away and we married. We eventually moved back to my home town and I picked up the relationship with my old boss and his wife. We'd go out as a foursome and I'd pop into the office and we would go out to lunch on our own.

You need a thick skin sometimes, but its different for you as you are the same level so I would say trust your instincts and if they say this is just a very good platonic relationship - run with it. If you have doubts, keep it business all the way.

Is this something you have asked him to do for you or you have discussed and agreed or is it all coming from him?

I would be upset if this was my husband. It's clear he's singling you out so it's less about his personality and more about how he feels about you.

I don’t think I’d think anything of this, surely this is just human beings being nice to each other?

Senior management proposed it to me. I only mentioned it to him and said I was uncertain about moving over. He now keeps on encouraging me to make the move and says he knows I would like the move and that I would have his support.

And no I didn't ask him to involve me into his meetings/transactions

Hmm, do you suspect he’s attracted to you because you think you’re attractive? I’m getting those sort of vibes.

I have good friendships at work with a variety of male colleagues, sometimes we even laugh and joke! They are not inappropriate though, and neither is this man. I don't see it as weird to get on well, even fancy another person at work, but just to be very professional and not seek out other opportunities. I don't think it means he's a sleaze or he's about to make a move though, I just don't give people the opportunity to do these things, and over the years since I got older, fewer of them have been jumping forward to be a bit weird like that, but I still have lots of male colleagues who I gel with (and many I do not).

On one hand, I feel lucky to have someone who supports me at work, and I think I should appreciate that. Equally, based on my previous experience, I think I am paranoid.
The looks might have a role, but not a major role.

Who cares, though, as long as he's not inappropriate in anything he does or says? I mean people are allowed to fancy other people. It's not like he's inviting you for a work conference, just the two of you. Most of work is having good and collaborative connections with at least some colleagues, some of them will be male. I also have great female colleagues, we get on very well. Mumsnet is quite weird about being terrified if men and women interact and/or fancy each other- you are in control of the situation, he's not your boss and you can dampen down your work relationship at any time you choose.

It’s a shame you base your worth on that and not just believe someone might want to be friends with you for you.