Having a surname from a different background to your own

[Onley]

I’m getting married next year to an Austrian guy living in London. His surname suits him and his family. But I am half Indian and half English and feel really odd taking on such a ‘foreign’ surname.
My dad is Indian so my surname is also Indian. I don’t object to the principle of women changing names (do what you like) and I probably would change if the surname was something like Smith or more English. I just feel odd having a VERY Austrian surname. It seems so not me. Fiancé accepts my decision but acknowledges in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

I’m just curious how others in multicultural relationships have navigated this

I'm not surprised that many men still think this way - I'm more fascinated that many women in this day and age (what with all the 'feminist' ideals) don't see it as a big deal, as evidenced by the lack of reaction from OP and posters about this here, and another thread with another 'wonderful' dh saying something equally stupid similar and that OP finding it cute and worthy of being placated.

Horses for courses though but... things that make you go hmm.

My aunt, who sadly passed away recently, was HK Chinese. Her husband, my uncle, is white British. My aunt & uncle married in 1987. My grandparents assumed they were Mr & Mrs Family-Name and addressed their Christmas cards as such, but in fact my aunt kept her Chinese family name in most areas of her life. I used to think it weird but now I think it's brilliant. She would have not suited our very long and cumbersome English surname, and she was proud of her culture & identity. It made things simple in many ways, actually.

Classic MN suggestion to double-barrel the surnames. It used to be a sign of being upper class. How times have changed.

I frequently confuse people as a freckled redhead with a Hispanic name. It's quite fun!

DH has (long and unusual in Europe) name. Long enough and unusual enough for questions. I am white British and kept my name. Mostly because , well it’s my name.

Kids have his, not mine.

It’s never been an issue- they are still very clearly my kids. I don’t feel less of a mum cos of different names.

We also now live in Spain where wives don’t change names, and kids have one name form each parent- no one expect my kids to have my name. So it’s even easier

@DragonGypsyDoris "Classic MN suggestion to double-barrel the surnames. It used to be a sign of being upper class. How times have changed."
Sorry? Wht do you mean?

I kept mine, he kept his. The children's names are a bit of a mess and I wish I'd thought it through. It's a patronym/gendered name situation. I'm happy with mine though!

I think it's important for your name to reflect your identity, especially when you're in intercultural families. I was raised in a European country, now live in the UK, married to someone from another UK country. Although I have always told my DH that I don't believe in taking a man's name, some recent reflection got me thinking that if it was a last name from the country I was raised in, I would have taken it. It would feel weird to take DH's name, because his name isn't linked to my own culture or history, at least not any more than my original last name is.

Most people who keep their maiden name also probably don't want to be defined by their marital status hence the favouring of Ms.

these people are also generally 🤦🏻‍♀️ when people say “maiden name” when it is just their name.

You realise it is only a social convention to change your name to your husbands - you're under no obligation if you don't feel comfortable.
I felt I was losing part of my identity to change, and so in a small gesture to Feminism I kept my maiden name in 1985 - helped by the fact that my husband not only had a clearly non-british surname but it just didn't sound good with my first name! As it happens, he changed his name when we had our DD so just as well..

Haha yes this old chestnut comes up every time doesnt it... Tell me you don't know anything about Hispanic cultures without telling me you don't know anything about Hispanic cultures!

I think it's totally up to you what you do. Double barrelling is fine, the names dont have to "go".
I am from a mixed Spanish/Scottish background so I have both parents names (for example Garcia McDonald). My kids have my Spanish name and my husband's British name (for example Garcia Spencer). I don't really care that they don't "go together", it just reflects their cultural background.

I took DH's as another middle name and use both surnames together a lot of the time eg Mrs Hisname Myname. He also has a long surname, mine isn't much shorter and is actually two words as well so double-barrelling was out of the question.

I also didn't want to give up a surname that feels tied to my own identity - I've been surprised how much I like using his as well though. And I go by just mine at work (teacher).

It's also an option to use Yourname Hisname like Kim Kardashian West.

Neither man in these scenarios added their wives’ names though, did they?

I had a very old fashioned boss who thought that my keeping my name was illegal. When she discovered it wasn’t, she changed tack to “what a shame for your husband that you aren’t proud to be married to him”. Aside from the fact that I don’t see marriage as any sort of achievement, it gave me the perfect opportunity to offer my condolences, complete with head tilt, that her husband wasn’t as proud of being married to her as she was being married to him. That shut her up.

Completely fair if that bothers you, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. My DH's background is a minority one and his name very tied to cultural identity. He'd also have had to have either reversed the order of our names eg Myname Hisname (opposite way round) or made his own surname the middle name, which is more of a sacrifice than I made.

I also see it as absolutely a personal choice - I always thought I'd just keep mine and not change anything but found I really enjoy having both even though mine is still my main and official surname. Might be to do with my extremely dysfunctional family background, but I love feeling even more part of our family by having a shared name somewhere. If I'd been asked or expected at any point to make any sort of name change, I would have been very resistant!

That's shocking of her! And hilarious of you 😂

My DH is Asian - I kept my own surname DD has his but with my surname as a middle name but in his culture luckily the woman keeps their own surname. I would have done this anyway - why should I change?!

I took DH’s surname when we got married. It’s from a different culture and I get the odd “oh, are you *German?” comment but it doesn’t bother me.

*it’s not a German name.

I didn’t take DH’s name. I wouldn’t have done anyway, but his surname is heavily indicative of ethnicity, nationality, region within that nationality and ‘caste’, none of which pertains to me.

The Dc do have both names, 5 syllables in total, and not a tongue twister, flows ok.

Keep your own name. Why on earth would you change it?

I think it can often feel a bit weird even when it's just a ffierent, even more so if it's from a culture that seems not yours.

OTOH, there is a sense that when you marry that you are in fact attaching yourself to that very differernt cultural heritage, it becomes a part of who you are. It starts to make more sense when you have kids, because they have both heritages and that binds you in a kind of a basic way to that - even if you divorce, or your spouse dies, that Austrian heritage will always be part of your blood in your children.

As far as other people's reactions, people notice what seem like odd combinations regardless. I used to know a builder called Mohammed McTavish, people asked him all the time how he ended up with that, but it was just an Egyptian father and Scottish mum.

His feelings are not more important than yours. Keep that in mind during your marriage, on this and the next thousand issues that will arise.

I’m African (grew up in London) husband is Dutch I also have a very English first name. Didn’t really bother me tbh and wasn’t something I thought off. I am who I am and a surname doesn’t take away from that. For me it was important that our family has the same surname.

I changed my name to my husband’s when I got married. Our kids have his surname. It’s a lovely English surname and will be far less likely to be discriminated against than my Asian name. No regrets. They don’t look Asian and they have an English surname. Their lives will be easier.