Having a surname from a different background to your own

[Onley]

I’m getting married next year to an Austrian guy living in London. His surname suits him and his family. But I am half Indian and half English and feel really odd taking on such a ‘foreign’ surname.
My dad is Indian so my surname is also Indian. I don’t object to the principle of women changing names (do what you like) and I probably would change if the surname was something like Smith or more English. I just feel odd having a VERY Austrian surname. It seems so not me. Fiancé accepts my decision but acknowledges in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

I’m just curious how others in multicultural relationships have navigated this

But this still doesn’t answer the question of whether people use Mrs with their birth name @Zimunya

I'm Indian heritage and husband is white British, I took his surname and as my first name is also ethnically ambiguous i can tell when people who have only ever known my name meet me in real life it throws them a little. However his name feels like me too as I'm his wife so I definitely feel an attached to it and our kids have the same surname which was important to me. The only time names became an issue was when choosing children's names as I always wanted atleast a middle name to reflect my heritage and tie them to some of their other roots.

I guess your name would reflect your identity and part of your identity is that you married an Austrian.

However, I am anti women changing their names at all. So I would keep your own name.

There is no harm in socially being known as the 'Schumacher-Shahs' but it's a lot simpler to keep your own name for all your own life admin

Why should women declare their marital status while men don’t?

I don’t.

You’re his wife but he’s your husband. Why do those things have different status when it comes to naming children?

I am white British and have my DH's surname which is Chinese.
A lot of people seem to notice it is unusual but without actually being able to identify it as Chinese. There are often problems with spelling even though it is short

I always see this comment about double-barrelled children meeting and it really annoys me (being someone who grew up with such a name). We do the same thing that everyone else does - whatever we want to!!

DH and I discussed all options - me dropping my name entirely and taking his name, him dropping his name entirely and taking my double-barrel, Me dropping one of my names and replacing it with his, me doing this and then my husband taking up the same new double-barrel as me, or us both picking a new name!

In the end we decided to keep one of my names and replace the other with his, and he has done the same and now our kids have the same. We just kept the part of my name that went best with his. If he had been double-barrelled already I think it's highly likely we would have picked the best combination of each of our names. Honestly, it's not hard to think outside the box a little bit!

Moi aussi! 😁

And it’s never bothered me in the slightest that I have a different last name than my children.

OP, my friend had this. She is white and married an Indian guy. Their children are obviously mixed race. She decided to double-barrell the kids' names, even though they don't really go together. You do get used to it after a while. She herself took her husband's name socially but has kept her own name for admin and professional purposes.

Ask your mum how she finds it?

Surely people will just think ‘huh, I guess her dad or husband is European’. Or don’t change your name?

Who said they should? I clearly stated 'should they choose to disclose it' which means they can choose.
Do you struggle with reading comprehension in general?

Also the lack of such honorifics for men doesn't mean I should want the same. In fact, maybe it's time for married to have similar.

Has your husband considered taking your surname so that the whole family will have the same surname?

I can't find any definitive instructions on this, but it seems to me that you can use "Mrs" with your birth name, because "Mrs" merely signifies that you are married, but does not necessarily specify that you are married to Mr HotCrossBunplease, IYSWIM?

I certainly don't regret sticking to "Ms" now 😀

Keep your surnames if not comfortable. Or is there a way to combine bits of your names into a new family surname you could both change your name to?

@HotCrossBunplease Yes, like Zimunya I don't see any articles agreeing with you, i.e. Mrs must only be used with the changed surname.
https://emilypost.com/advice/ms-miss-or-mrs-whats-the-difference
This article implies that your thinking is the traditional way , but it's now changing. However Emily Post is an American site.

Most people who keep their maiden name also probably don't want to be defined by their marital status hence the favouring of Ms. That doesn't mean you can't use Mrs, I know several women who do.

At the end of the day most people aren't conduct a forensic examination into your use of ordinary titles. I use mine mainly for form filling and other boring stuff.

@redalex261 "I do wonder what happens when two double barrelled kids meet and marry in the future!"

Do you REALLY wonder this? Really, really? Because I can explain- but I'm not going to waste my time if you're just being disingenuous.

My husband is of Japanese heritage, so my surname is unmistakably Asian in origin. Think Ali Nakamura or Ali Takahashi. No real issues apart from spelling it out a lot and occasionally having to explain why I'm pasty white, ginger with a Geordie accent and a Japanese surname.

I’m Pakistani and had probably the most common Pakistani surname, I was at the time engaged to someone white British who had a very white British surname, I was in the process of changing my name via deedpoll (whole name), so I changed my surname to his. People with non-white sounding names are less likely to get interviews etc. I haven’t had any issues have a non-Pakistani surname, not yet anyway.

Anyway, didn’t end up marrying him! My husband is Swedish and had a Jewish surname, he changed his surname to my new surname on marriage as he also had concerns a Jewish surname could hold him back, I also already had a son, so rather than being for example Mr Smith, Mr Smith-Aaronson and Master Smith, we’re all Smith, so when our daughter them came along it meant both our children have the same surname, rather than one being double barrell and one not.

I think new double barreled names are a bit tacky and sort of just passing the problem onto the next generation.

If you're half English then you problem look very similar to someone half Austrian. So I'm not really sure of the problem.

BTW, after seeing so many of these stories... Are people genuinely that thick? And racist/close-minded?
I can just about understand those questions aimed at a man, who are very unlikely to take their wives' surnames.

But a woman? Surely it's obvious that you married into the name (well OK you could be mixed race or adopted but anyway it's not something so mind boggling that it needs explaining ...)

I have an Irish surname thanks to DH. I'm not Irish.
It's sometimes a point of conversation when I meet new people but I don't really mind.

I'm irish and my surname is very very irish , dh is cornish and has an old cornish name . I quite liked the idea of having a more unusual name , especially here in Ireland. So I took his name. If you don't feel like the name will suit you then just keep your name.

Fiancé accepts my decision but acknowledges in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

Ah well he could remedy that by he and your kids taking on your name? No? Thought not. Wish you goodluck!

DHs is a Scandinavian surname originally, but they've been here for a few generations.

Surname coupled with my given name, and I've been told on a few occasions that they were expecting a 6 foot blonde viking type. Nope. Instead, I'm short, brunette, and mixed race.

I secretly love it. What's not exciting about expecting the unexpected?