Having a surname from a different background to your own

[Onley]

I’m getting married next year to an Austrian guy living in London. His surname suits him and his family. But I am half Indian and half English and feel really odd taking on such a ‘foreign’ surname.
My dad is Indian so my surname is also Indian. I don’t object to the principle of women changing names (do what you like) and I probably would change if the surname was something like Smith or more English. I just feel odd having a VERY Austrian surname. It seems so not me. Fiancé accepts my decision but acknowledges in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

I’m just curious how others in multicultural relationships have navigated this

And if you've made the decision to have fewer opportunities in life, that's up to you.

I kept my name and will never change it.

Good thing because my ex turned out to be abusive and I had to leave him.

Took DH’s surname because my own is easy to make very rude and full of innuendos here and in my country, hyphenated didn’t sound right, and combining them would have been even worse with innuendo and crass because it came out to w*ore.

Yep, just took DH’s last name and don’t regret it. Would still keep it even if we divorced.

I’m Indian with a Dutch surname as dh’s grandad was Dutch. My first name is very traditionally Indian and my surname is very traditionally Dutch. I didn’t change it when I first got married. I only changed it after I had dc because I kept being stopped at the airport when I travelled alone with them. I also wanted to have the same surname as them

in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

🤮

How come they didn’t get your surname in the first place, given you were the one that risked your life to bring them
into the world?

Shouldn’t hers be part of his?

There are people all over Spain and other countries where double barrelling is common place who have 1024 surnames. Obviously.

🙄

I hear you with the Dutch names! I am also married to someone with a Dutch surname - it's so difficult to say and spell. I kept my own name for 10 years after we married. After that (at a passport renewal) I changed my name. I guess I felt I had grown into the family and the name.

OP - the decision you make now doesn't have to be forever. Good luck with your decision.

Her name could be part of his life story. And then he could have the same surname as the rest of the family. But its never that way. I never see a man saying " Gosh I want to take my wifes name so we all have the same name".

Yes, I'm one of these and it's absolutely nobody's business back at "home".

Out of interest, why did you feel that you would have to use the title “Mrs” with the patronymic and not “Ms”?
I am assuming that the patronymic is the name you had as a child, when you were “Miss” but did you continue to use “Miss” right until marriage?

I didn’t change my name on marriage so have always used the name I was born with. However I only use Ms, and I have been Ms since I was about 16.

If I had become “Mrs birth name” then that to me would be my Mum’s name/signified marriage to a man with that surname.

I'm married to a Norwegian man and I'm British. We double barrelled both names, he took mine too. My name first then his. My own surname is technically French and very rare so it actually sounds really nice with his.

I have to spell it out a lot, but it's a beautiful surname and it works for the kids as they both have Norwegian first names. This was deliberate as we're moving there to live in a couple of years and wanted them to fit in. Plus, they're gorgeous names!

I'm British but took the husband of my Dutch husband. It is very obviously not a British name and people do sometimes ask about it. I also always have to spell it! But I have absolutely no qualms about it at all. In fact, if anything I was probably more willing to change my name to his name because he and the name are not British. I wanted us to share a name as a family and I felt that he had already given up a lot culturally by staying in this country with me and bringing are children up as very much British and not speaking Dutch. Asking him to change his name as well seemed a bit unreasonable. And I like having an unusual surname.

Oooh, suprising number of Dutch names/husbands on here!
My surname is easy to say, at least approximately. It's just not spelled the way British people expect. I struggle to pronounce his first name properly however!

@HotCrossBunplease - good question. I’ve been “Ms” since my early twenties, regardless of my surname.

This is more an issue. In an ideal world - wtf? It’s 2024 and not an ideal world for any woman. We don’t have dowries and we can buy our own houses!

Current DH said ‘he wouldn’t have a problem if I didn’t take his name’ I was like wtf - why is it any concern of yours or anything to do with you. I think I said ‘that’s big of you not to mind’ etc and as it is - he took mine. So there you go - but challenge this now.

I think people should do whatever feels right to them but it is odd when someone's racial appearance doesn't match their name. Eg our doctor has a very obviously Scottish surname but is of South East Asian origin.

Equally I went to school with a boy of Indian origin who had the most ordinary English name ever. I only found out much later he was adopted as a baby by a white British family.

It's only interesting/surprising though, I don't think it's particularly problematic.

Could you BOTH change to a name that suits you both (via deed poll) OR make up a name using parts of both of your existing names?

Anyway good luck whatever you do.

This is often because of racial prejudice and because people named Jagannathan dont get jobs so they change it to Jug and eventually to Jones to fit in.

I don't know what the 'definitive' authority on this is. But bridal sites like Hitched.com state that the title for a married woman (should they to disclose their status obviously) is Mrs. Irrespective of whether she changes her surname. I've always wanted to be a Mrs so Ms was out of the question.

Also, of course I can't gloss over years of history and women's rights but I'm bi, marriage to me is more about the legal declaration and commitment. Not about being a man's property. If I'd married a woman , I'd have also used the Mrs title.

My grandad was polish so my mom (before she married my dad) and her siblings had a polish surname. My uncle married a woman who had Pakistani parents. She changed her surname to my uncles so has a Pakistani originating first name and a Polish surname. She's never said she feels odd or has had any issues but if you're not comfortable do what feels right for you.

My maiden name is Greek and my husband's is almost the most common British surname there is. I must have taken a fit when I changed my name as I never ever intended to, I guess it was all the lurve after our wedding!

Anyway - long way to say my children are double-barrelled, Anastasiades-Smith (or similar ). It seems normal after a while!

But do you use Mrs in conjunction with your birth name or your husband’s name? To be clear, I don’t object to anyone calling themselves Mrs but I always thought it went hand in hand with taking your husband’s surname, whereas just adding Mrs to your birth name is something I’ve never seen.

I was actually a little bit sad not to be able to use Mrs but I saw it as a necessary consequence of not changing my surname.

Dictionary.com agrees with you that it is down to personal preference:

"Generally speaking, it is considered proper etiquette to use Mrs. to refer to married women, Miss to refer to unmarried women and young girls, and Ms. to refer to a woman of unknown marital status or when marital status is irrelevant.

In everyday usage, though, it typically comes down to personal preference. A person may prefer any or none of these titles, and it is always best to ask a person how they want to be addressed before using a particular title or honorific."

For me it is not about being a man's property, but the unfairness of a woman being expected to declare her marital status on introduction, when men do not have the same obligation. Thus my preferred honorific is "Ms", but I fully respect people who prefer "Mrs" and "Miss" - it's their choice entirely.