Having a surname from a different background to your own

[Onley]

I’m getting married next year to an Austrian guy living in London. His surname suits him and his family. But I am half Indian and half English and feel really odd taking on such a ‘foreign’ surname.
My dad is Indian so my surname is also Indian. I don’t object to the principle of women changing names (do what you like) and I probably would change if the surname was something like Smith or more English. I just feel odd having a VERY Austrian surname. It seems so not me. Fiancé accepts my decision but acknowledges in an ideal world where he got his way he and his future wife/kids would take his name.

I’m just curious how others in multicultural relationships have navigated this

DH is from the UK. I come from a culture where women don’t change their names so I always thought I wouldn’t, but DH also said the same thing about liking the family to have the same name so I agreed to it.

My first name is a common Arabic and English name. When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name, and then I took my husband’s surname. I also still go by my maiden name professionally.

It felt strange at first, but I think it would have felt strange wherever the surname was from as it was a new name and identity. I’ve now come round to it, but what I find funny is when people see my first name and my new surname written down, they expect someone who is white, and then they see me. Quite a few times I’ve been in waiting rooms where there’s only one other white lady, and the person calling my name goes to the other lady thinking it’s her, and I’m like nope, it’s me.

OP is half white though.
She has the Indian surname because that's her father's ethnicity. So a side has been picked for her. We don't know which half she looks more like.
Given that English people and Austrians are both of Germanic descent I don't think this is a problem?

"I think the fuss about changing names is ridiculous even your maiden name comes from a man (your dad)"

Why does the husband's father's name somehow belong to him in a way the woman's father's name doesn't belong to her?

Just keep your original surname. Plenty of people do. If you think it sounds weird to you then you don't need to use it. If you have kids, how would you feel about them having that name? Or double barrelled with yours?
Either way there's no need to change it. Or you could 'unofficially' have his name as middle name? I know some people have done that either informally or by deed poll. Whatever you think sounds right to you!

Men who want the family to have the same name never think of changing their names, do they?
In your place I would refuse. Keep your heritage.

I like the Spanish system of keeping your own surnames (one from your mother and one from your father) and then your children getting one from you and one from your DH.

Or just chose an unrelated one you both like and both of you use that.

My friend had a similar dilemma - so they both changed their surname to his mothers maiden name

If you are living in London - it will not look strange at all to have an Indian name with a Germanic last name at all. There are plenty of cross cultural marriages and all sorts of names around.

In my kids schools - people with simple English names are a minority.
So that is not an issues at all.

Main thing you need to decide is whether you want to change your name. Which is a personal decision.

I never said your last sentence.

It's nothing to do with what surname belongs to whom. A lot of people argue that they don't want 'a man's' surname. That's a different argument from wanting to keep your own name. Unless your maiden name is from your mum..

The bigger deal in any case is the children. Again, in my country women don't change their surnames but the kids still get their 'family' names from their dads. There are no cultural hang-ups about mum having a different surname.

Here women want to have the same name as their children. So their choice is to give kids their name, or change their own to match.

I took my husband's non-british surname so we would all have the same name when we had kids. Noone can pronounce it properly or spell it. It's just a minor inconvenience though. What I find noticeable is that when people see my name written (my first name is one that works in many European countries) they assume I am foreign until they hear me speak. It shouldn't matter but I've had a few comments about it.

I think that your situation is more complicated than most, because you're already half Indian and half English. So bringing a third culture/nationality into your identity (even if it's "just" in the form of a surname) may feel like overload.

Our names can be very central to who we are, and I think you should go with whatever you feel most comfortable with, regardless of whether you think it's logically justified or not. It's YOUR name, after all. You're not required to justify it.

Personally, I'm English and my DH is from an Indian family. I took his surname for several reasons:

• I just preferred it to my maiden name
• people tend to assume that married couples have the same surname, so it's simpler in some ways
• we planned for any future children to have "English" first names, and I thought it would be a good thing for at least one of their names to reflect their Indian background (rather than their names just being completely Englished out). And I didn't want to be the only member of my family with a different surname.

Downsides:

• People in the UK often find it really hard to spell and pronounce
• there's an obvious disconnect between my surname and my appearance. So I get quite a lot of double takes when I'm introduced to people. But then I also get a lot of double takes when I go to pick up the kids from somewhere and they run towards me shouting, "Mummy!" So it's not like I would avoid the double takes.

But my situation is less complex than yours because my own cultural identity is very simple and boring and easy for other people to grasp. If one of my kids was in your situation then it would be more complex.

I am British. White. I took my husbands Mauritian surname with pride. For me it felt like I was part of him, and I loved that. I don't regret at all. It makes me feel unique and different, it's a rare name. I do not like when, for example, I may go for a hospital appointment and a nurse will come out and call my name and (which is 90% of the time in this country I've noticed) they announce my surname by trying to make it sound more 'foreign' and then when I stand up they do a double take because I am white and clearly not what they were expecting. Unfortunately, this happens a lot and makes me quite sad that it should. But I'm 100% glad that I took his name

You don't "pick a side" when you are mixed. You're both - not one or the other.

OP has a desi name because she is desi and British. She probably looks desi and British. Her husband's name is neither desi nor British. It doesn't represent her at all. That's the problem.

Many common English names have Germanic, Latin, Celtic, Norse origins but have become common English names. OPs husband does not have such a name.

I’ve done this. MIL was aghast but worked for me.

I'm from an Indian/pakistani background but was born here. Married my husband who is British. I kept my dads name as my middle name and took his surname. I also did the same with my son, so he has his grandads name as a middle name and the same surname as his own dad.
We feel it fits our family 😀

You've got many options
Change to his
Change to yours
Stay as you are
Double Barrel
Change to something completely new

I've a few multi racial couples as friends, who have gone down either of those routes for their own reasons. Why not make a name from a combination of your surnames, to signify your union?

My father was adopted and ended up with a distinct surname linked to a specific place in the world. He didn’t exactly match expectations for the surname, but he wasn’t so far off that it confused people. Then he and my mother had me, gave me his surname, and I ended up looking so different from expectations of the region of the name that I was asked about it constantly. By the time I was 13, people started asking me if I was married. It made more sense to them that I was married than that I looked like I do and have the name that I have.

that was all back in the 70s and 80s.

i noticed over time that people stopped asking or caring. DD has my surname. She also doesn’t look the part. No one has ever questioned her heritage or her ethnicity. She found it quite bizarre when I told her people used to make a big deal about the fact that our name comes from a certain place.

Sorry by picking a side, I meant in terms of a surname matching her face.
You were specifically talking about physical appearance . Not representing her identity (which obviously is both equally).

My own kids look different, one looks 100% South Indian and the other more mixed with light hair for a start. My oldest often surprises people because they expect him to look at least a bit north Indian being mixed. Their first names are Indian.

So along the same vein, if you were Indian/English and looked mixed race another European name might still 'fit' your face. But a Chinese name , or a Nigerian name - Probably not.

Can you Add either yours or his as a middle name for your children. However, in today’s multicultural society, I think it’s more common than people realise. Eg, on radio 2, one of the Sunday morning presenters is Jason Mohammed - two different cultures.

No need to change your name. My DH (French) has quite a distinguished surname compared to my quite dull English family name. Still not going to “trade up” to a nicer name because it’s not MINE.

You will actually do better in life having a Westernised surname living in a Western country. There have been many studies on the bias for names in all sorts of things, from job applications to hotel room bookings, and unfortunately all us Asians are always judged negatively.

My last name is a common Western name, but I'm Middle Eastern. My family wanted me to not be judged for it.

Maybe. But as someone with a foreugn name, am not going to change my surname to fit in with what racists want.

Is there anything you can do to shorten his name, and then take the double barrelled version for both of you, and give it to your children?

Nothing at all wrong with each of you keeping your own name, but then you’d still have to think of the best name for any kids to have. I regret the decision to give my kids my then H’s (now exh’s) surname when I never changed mine because it is a shame having different surnames!

DH and I are from different nationalities. I kept my surname when we got married. Would have regardless of who I married. DT’s have a double barrelled surname - long and complicated to spell and pronounce. Small price to pay for having a surname which represents both our families.

Ah I was glad of it!
My own surname was normal sounding (though very uncommon) in my European country - but to English / Irish people it sounded Chinese!
So I was glad of my husband's "normal" British isles name.....