Sick of my fiance going to the football

[MamaMur]

My fiance and I have a 15 month old baby and he is a really great dad. I’ve known my partner since I was 11, and we’re now 28 and engaged. He’s always enjoyed going to watch the football but the last 6 months or so it feels constant.

He’s been 4 times in the last 7 days and will be off again to watch the next game on Saturday. At 10:30am I might add, for a 5:30pm kick off and I will be lucky if I see him before midnight.

He turns every game into a moderate to very heavy drinking session, which is probably the crux of my annoyance. It’s also pretty pricey when you factor in travel/tickets/football merch/a lot of drinks.

He also works 1 weekend a month which means almost all of my weekends are spent alone with our son cause he’s working, or at football, or miserable and hungover cause he drunk too much at the football.

Its definitely happening a lot more than it used to, which is concerning me - is he just trying to avoid spending time with us?

When I’m feeling petty I think about making my own plans - but truthfully I then just feel guilty cause really all I want to do is spend time with him and our son. When I do go out for drinks with my friends, I dread the next day knowing he’ll be out at the football and I’ll be left alone and hungover to look after our little one. It just puts me off going out.

I have made it VERY clear how upset I am about it all but he seems to have absolutely no care. He gets unbelievably defensive when I bring it up, and last time he just said “suck it up chum, it’s my passion” and I gave up.

It’s really upsetting me and I don’t want to imagine living the rest of my life arguing over football. I’ve tried everything under the sun to reason with him but he is simply not having it.

Help / AIBU?

Get rid of him. An extremely selfish person.
You’ll be better off without his non appearance as a partner & father. Good luck.

So what would he do if there was nobody but him to look after his child?
He is 50% responsible for the care of his child, so where is he?

YANBU. I left a man like this (no kids and it wasn't football) because I got bored to tears of his obsession but I was young and naive. My stepfather was obsessed with football too, it was hideous growing up with him. Football seems to be one of those sports fans rarely play themselves, they just get pissed watching it.

Married quite a long time now but Football is one of those interests that would immediately out me off someone.

If I ever find myself single, I wouldn't be looking for another man but if I did, any degree of interest in sport playing or spectating aside from a slight passing interest would be an instant nope from me.

This ^^

This. It just doesn't happen.

Can you imagine a world where a mum leaves her child four times a week to drink heavily and watch sport and still be called a great mum

I guess the evenings aren't too much of an issue if your son is in bed. I'd compromise at one weekend a month but maybe 2pm start.

Honestly I just couldn’t deal with this. My best friend of 20 years husband is exactly the same, football over everything and everyone and surprise surprise after 20 years together and 3 kids they are getting divorced and this is the main reason, she’s sick on picking up the slack while he goes to watch his glorious team.

yes everyone is entitled to free time and a hobby but honestly with young kids this kind of thing just has to take a back seat. My husband and I have a 1 and 3 year old and we both agree it’s just not the time in our life for all encompassing hobbies. That time will come again but it isn’t now. Kids are little for such a short time. If you don’t deal with this now the resentment will build and build and you will split. I would give an ultimatum.

OP, whats really sad is you thinking this man child is a good father.
He is a drunken football goon.
His "suck it up" comment shows just how little regard he has for you and his child.
His anger is to shut you down.
Forget his words, watch his actions carefully.
Do not inflict this loser on another child.
You and your childdeserveso much better.

He’s a shit dad

OP what is your definition of a "great dad" exactly???

He sounds like an alcoholic.

The health effects of binge drinking 4 times a week are pretty awful, plus the financial cost.
Once your son is no longer at the sitting and cuddling stage is he going to be around to take him to the part, outings etc in someways the baby stage is the easiest and it sounds like he’s already not being great, despite you saying he’s a great dad.
Anyone who told me to ‘suck it up chum’ after me raising a valid point would not be playing a major part in my life, it’s so disrespectful.
Being together since really young can mean it’s even scarier to make big changes but you would be doing yourself and child no favours by staying with someone who behaves like this.

It's not the football that's the issue. He has a considerable drink problem. His behaviour isn't normal.

He needs to admit it before any chance of sorting unfortunately.

That’s complete bullshit. He’s still living like he has no responsibility and leaving all the work up to you.

This is not a man I would be marrying. It’s perfectly ok to have a night off once in a while but when is the last time you had one ?

He must support more than one team if he was away four times in one week?? No team plays that often.
Sorry OP that’s insufferable that he is basically using football as an excuse to check out of parenting this often. If he was only doing it maybe once a fortnight for
home games maybe I could sort of deal
with that. But that sounds excessive. I’m not not sure what to advise. But you are in for a lifetime of this crap OP unless you either try to set some firm boundaries or leave him.

Sorry to say this but it sounds like it’s more about the drink than it is the football. There is no need to leave at 11.30 for a 5.30pm match. He must be so drunk by kick off I doubt he can even see the ball.
This would also explain why he’s so defensive about it.
You really need to communicate to him how it is affecting you and your child having so little time with him. If he stopped boozing, he could have the day with you both, then go and see an evening match. Best of both worlds. And bonus—he won’t be hung over next day. But I expect he will baulk at this suggestion because he won’t want to acknowledge that his drinking is a problem.

I WAS going to say, don't have kids with him - until I saw you already have.

So, don't marry him. I don't think this will end well.

...Just seen your latest update that you've talked to him and he listened. That's great but still don't get married. He needs to change his behaviour radically and also show that the change is permanent. Good luck!

This isn’t about the football. It’s about respect for your family and your spouse. One evening a week on a hobby is healthy when your child is this small. Your husband’s level of going out is destructive and borderline abusive. You are left to do all the housework and childcare alone, he is spending family money on drink and partying, he is prioritising his own needs ahead of the family unit and doing this not just occasionally to keep a sense of self, but as his primary MO. I agree with pps that you should not stay in this relationship, as he has shown you the level of care and respect he feels you and his son deserve.

I was in the same boat OP apart from my OH isnt a big drinker, but would definitely use footie (and darts) as a means to escape, some men do just want their lives to stay the same after children come along and almost want you there waiting for when they fancy playing happy families. I stood firm though and made it quite clear that it he treated me like a single Mum I was happy to be one and he can be the “part time” Dad he claimed he never wanted to be.

It took a lot of discussions, a lot of arguments and a break up, but we are genuinely the happiest we have been and are both fully on board being parents now.

It can change, just stay firm in your expectations.

I’m resurrecting this thread, just wondering if Ops discussion with her DH changed anything?

". . . but the last 6 months it feels constant." I'm obviously wondering, was it six months ago you got engaged? He has told you that if you stay, you'll be sucking it up! Please let this one go.