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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of my fiance going to the football

123 replies

MamaMur · 30/10/2024 23:19

My fiance and I have a 15 month old baby and he is a really great dad. I’ve known my partner since I was 11, and we’re now 28 and engaged. He’s always enjoyed going to watch the football but the last 6 months or so it feels constant.

He’s been 4 times in the last 7 days and will be off again to watch the next game on Saturday. At 10:30am I might add, for a 5:30pm kick off and I will be lucky if I see him before midnight.

He turns every game into a moderate to very heavy drinking session, which is probably the crux of my annoyance. It’s also pretty pricey when you factor in travel/tickets/football merch/a lot of drinks.

He also works 1 weekend a month which means almost all of my weekends are spent alone with our son cause he’s working, or at football, or miserable and hungover cause he drunk too much at the football.

Its definitely happening a lot more than it used to, which is concerning me - is he just trying to avoid spending time with us?

When I’m feeling petty I think about making my own plans - but truthfully I then just feel guilty cause really all I want to do is spend time with him and our son. When I do go out for drinks with my friends, I dread the next day knowing he’ll be out at the football and I’ll be left alone and hungover to look after our little one. It just puts me off going out.

I have made it VERY clear how upset I am about it all but he seems to have absolutely no care. He gets unbelievably defensive when I bring it up, and last time he just said “suck it up chum, it’s my passion” and I gave up.

It’s really upsetting me and I don’t want to imagine living the rest of my life arguing over football. I’ve tried everything under the sun to reason with him but he is simply not having it.

Help / AIBU?

OP posts:
Ladyandherspaniel · 30/10/2024 23:22

He's not a great Dad if he's never there and if he is he's hung over.

You're doing it by yourself anyway so give him the choice.. His family or the drinking and football
.. Youl see how much of a great dad he is then.

Tink3rbell30 · 30/10/2024 23:23

Ew he needs to grow up.

RockyRogue1001 · 30/10/2024 23:25

Why isn't he taking his son to football?
Dad n son bonding time!

TheFlakyPoster · 30/10/2024 23:26

I wouldn't be able to carry on a relationship like this personally. It doesn't matter what the hobby is you don't get to procreate with someone then leave them to do the majority of the parenting so you can keep going about your life completely unaffected. It's the binge drinking that is much more problematic. So even when he's with you he's hungover and moody. He is not a good dad, he's a selfish arse.

Original poster
MamaMur · 30/10/2024 23:26

RockyRogue1001 · 30/10/2024 23:25

Why isn't he taking his son to football?
Dad n son bonding time!

He has a season ticket in a really noisy and rowdy section so tbf I don’t think I’d want him to take our son when he’s still so little

OP posts:
TheDeepLemonHelper · 30/10/2024 23:27

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AppropriateAdult · 30/10/2024 23:27

He's not a great dad, he's opting out of parenting as often as possible. Please don't marry him.

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 23:28

I think a life arguing about football is exactly what you’re in for.

Does he find it stressful to be a parent? He may literally be trying to escape the stress.

I’m not defending him, he’s being really selfish, but understanding why he’s upped his football will be really important to resolving the problem.

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2024 23:29

I'm sorry, 'suck it up chum?'.

I'd have told him it was over right then.

I was going to say chat with him and tell him he's drinking too much and out too much and that should be that. But not only has he not listened, or looked looked compromise...he's literally said fuck you.

He's made his choice, its not you and his child, it's football and booze.

He sounds like an alcoholic too btw.

I don't understand what you're asking? Surely not how to put up with him choosing booze and footy over his family? Because that's not something you tolerate.

Tell him to leave.

Maybe he can come back one day, if he gives up the alcohol and is prepared to actually spend time with his family. Otherwise, perminantly dump.

AllBellyandBoobs · 30/10/2024 23:29

I know a guy like this, currently separated from his 3rd wife. Some of them refuse to change.

Original poster
MamaMur · 30/10/2024 23:31

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I have but he shuts down completely when football or drinking is mentioned.

He does spend a lot of time with our son, he gets up early every weekday as our son is a very early riser and even when he’s hungover he does cuddle and play with him.

During the week the football is always on after our son goes to bed so he doesn’t miss out on too much

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 30/10/2024 23:32

10:30am for a 5:30pm kick off? This isn’t about football. He has a drinking problem.

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/10/2024 23:38

What team plays 4 times in 7 days?

TheDeepLemonHelper · 30/10/2024 23:38

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Rollonsummerplease · 30/10/2024 23:40

Why is it so many threads start with the OP saying her DH or DP is a " great dad" and then go on to describe behaviour that is the total opposite of being a "great dad" ?
Honestly OP he has clearly told you drink and football are the most important things in his life.
The " suck it up " comment is absolutely disgusting.
He doesn't give a damn apart from going off and behaving like a single man. He is contemptuous of you.
You would be much better off without him.

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2024 23:40

Don't waste your life with this person.

Maybe he will be a good dad someday. But that doesn't mean he needs to remain your partner.

Don't lower yourself to love someone who wont raise themselves to love you.

Original poster
MamaMur · 30/10/2024 23:41

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/10/2024 23:38

What team plays 4 times in 7 days?

The team played twice, the U18s team once and there was also an exclusive event on at the stadium for 150 of the supporters

OP posts:
HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/10/2024 23:43

He us trying to live his life as if he were single and childfree. He isn’t.

No one cares how much of a “passion” he has for football, he has a 15 month old son and he needs to step up and parent.

PrincessofWells · 30/10/2024 23:44

I really don't understand why women put up with this shit 😒

Mumofteenandtween · 30/10/2024 23:49

Rollonsummerplease · 30/10/2024 23:40

Why is it so many threads start with the OP saying her DH or DP is a " great dad" and then go on to describe behaviour that is the total opposite of being a "great dad" ?
Honestly OP he has clearly told you drink and football are the most important things in his life.
The " suck it up " comment is absolutely disgusting.
He doesn't give a damn apart from going off and behaving like a single man. He is contemptuous of you.
You would be much better off without him.

Edited

I think that “great dad” translates to “has not fed the child to a tiger”.

”Bad mum” translates to “did not sacrifice every single want or need she had for the full 18 years”.

Getitwright · 30/10/2024 23:50

Was he like this before you had the baby? Did you discuss between you how much having a child would change your lives?

Unbelooth · 30/10/2024 23:56

Of course he's "avoiding spending time with us".

TheDeepLemonHelper · 30/10/2024 23:56

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Entertainmentcentral · 30/10/2024 23:59

Obviously you can't stay married to him if this is how he's going to treat you. He's neglecting you and causing hardship with his spending on himself. You won't and can be happy. You're saying it's got worse. As tempting as it is to think "what is he avoiding" this is not your problem to solve. If he won't talk, you can only speculate. That is a waste of time and will get you nowhere. If you said you were planning to separate unless he was willing to work on things between you, he could make a decision. Or if he came to you six months into a trial separation having had a genuine wake up call, that would be hopeful. But that would have to come from him. As things stand you can only leave.

And you're not complaining about him liking football. You're sharing your feelings about what it's like to be neglected in a marriage and you need positive stuff to come into the marriage to be able to be fulfilled. If he can't give you that, then he can't.

nam3c4ang3 · 31/10/2024 00:01

Ffs he sounds absolutely useless - he's a great dad because he plays and cuddles with him?! Thats the BARE MINIMUM of a father. He has a drinking issue, and he doesn't want to spend time with you or your child - he's choosing the singles, football life. Also - 'suck it up' - my goodness, is he 11? OP - really consider if you want to stay with someone who respects you so little - remember, your child will be watching his dad. Hes made his choice - and it's not you nor his son. He's telling you and showing you who he is - believe him.