Sick of my fiance going to the football

[MamaMur]

My fiance and I have a 15 month old baby and he is a really great dad. I’ve known my partner since I was 11, and we’re now 28 and engaged. He’s always enjoyed going to watch the football but the last 6 months or so it feels constant.

He’s been 4 times in the last 7 days and will be off again to watch the next game on Saturday. At 10:30am I might add, for a 5:30pm kick off and I will be lucky if I see him before midnight.

He turns every game into a moderate to very heavy drinking session, which is probably the crux of my annoyance. It’s also pretty pricey when you factor in travel/tickets/football merch/a lot of drinks.

He also works 1 weekend a month which means almost all of my weekends are spent alone with our son cause he’s working, or at football, or miserable and hungover cause he drunk too much at the football.

Its definitely happening a lot more than it used to, which is concerning me - is he just trying to avoid spending time with us?

When I’m feeling petty I think about making my own plans - but truthfully I then just feel guilty cause really all I want to do is spend time with him and our son. When I do go out for drinks with my friends, I dread the next day knowing he’ll be out at the football and I’ll be left alone and hungover to look after our little one. It just puts me off going out.

I have made it VERY clear how upset I am about it all but he seems to have absolutely no care. He gets unbelievably defensive when I bring it up, and last time he just said “suck it up chum, it’s my passion” and I gave up.

It’s really upsetting me and I don’t want to imagine living the rest of my life arguing over football. I’ve tried everything under the sun to reason with him but he is simply not having it.

Help / AIBU?

What a selfish wanker your df is. I'd be looking at the very evident red flags. His boozing. His desire to spend as much time as possible away from family/ or is there another person?
His selfishness and total disregard for you.
All in all the cards are stacking up on the side of solo parenting....

He's an alcoholic. Don't marry him, get rid.

Any rational person would leave this man. He’s not interested in a family life, in fact if anything, he’s ticked that box now and can comfortably carry on being a football prick for the rest of his days.

That phrase ‘when they show you who they are, believe them the first time.’ Don’t sit around expecting him to change. He’s told you he won’t. And do you want your son growing up with that as a role model?

If he just went to the game and came home, fair enough. But 10.30am for 5.30pm kick off? Nope that’s taking the mick.

Also I know other posters have pointed it out but he is not a great dad just because he plays with his kid when he is hungover.

He doesn’t have any intention of changing so I think you will have to seriously consider whether you want to stay with him.

How is he a great dad?
Booze and football will always come before you and your son. He has made his priorities clear and let you know that.
I wouldn't be hanging around to be second best.

They aren't married. So it's up to her whether she chooses to marry him.

He's a LOUSY Dad

He's very likely an alcoholic

His priorities will always be football and booze

His son will see him as a role model and treat you like shit as he sees his Dad doing while you just suck it up.

If you stay with him your life will be miserable, poor and lonely.

Hun, you need to raise your bar of what you think a great dad is.

I would really like to know what the bar for "great dad" is when OPs say their partner is a great dad but then list a not very good dad, has he changed a nappy a couple of times? Perhaps played peek-a-boo the one morning he wasn't hung over? Come on now, raise your bar. Hold him to the same standards you no doubt hold yourself to.

I've been there.
Season ticket holder partner who goes to every home match and a lot of away matches. And would watch other matches at the pub.
The only thing that worked here was when I was on the brink of giving up on the relationship... agreed that whatever leisure time he took (going to football) I would take the exact amount of time back to spend doing something without the kids (I'd just sit in the car and read sometimes, go for a walk, didn't have to be that enjoyable it was just the principle). So if he was off for 6 hours on a Saturday, bam I'm off for 6 hours on a Sunday and he has to parent solo. Or 3 hours watching a match on a Tuesday, I'm off for 3 hours to my friends house on Wednesday. With out fail.

It gradually reduced as he realised it wasn't a way of getting out of his responsibilities and he realised we had no time together and the relationship would fail. He still goes, but not as much, once every two weeks. I still take my leisure time as well.

You know this will never change, right?

He's one of those men who thinks football is the most important thing in the universe. He will always choose football / mates / drinking beers over family responsibilities.

Is this really the kind of man you want to marry?

I'd bet you my last 50p that if you asked him now to choose between having a family and football, he would choose football.

Sounds as if he is deliberately trying to escape being a parent and responsible adult. Some men find it very hard, when a child comes along and it's only been the two of you for a considerable amount of time. They don't want or understand why their priorities in life should have to change. They still want to see their friends, continue with hobbies etc, when they want. Essentially, he needs to grow up and accept that his life has changed, and no, he can't do what he likes, when. No one says he can't see friends or go to football, but it can't be all the time. There has to be some compromise going forward, in order for your relationship to work. He is being very selfish expecting you to solely parent your child, whilst he's either at football or hungover. If he's not willing to compromise, then I can't see your relationship working long-term. A friend of mine has a similar issue, she's just sucked it up, but her husband doesn't really involve himself with their daughter, he spends a lot of time doing the things he likes, and leaving her and his daughter to do their own thing. He's never compromised, and at 40, and now their daughter is 11, I don't think he's likely too either.

So he's either at the football, drinking heavily, hungover or at work?

If you were away from your child as much as he is would you consider yourself to be "a great mum"?

ironic how these threads are started with "he's a great dad" followed by all the reasons why, he is in-fact not, "a great dad"

same goes with husbands "he's a wonderful husband but" queue how he verbally abuses her every time he's annoyed and is on only fans.

If the roles were reversed and you were out drinking 4 times a week. Spent no weekends at home apart from giving your child a cuddle occasionally when you were hungover. Would you think you were a great mum? A great partner?
If you did it, would he just carry the burden of family whilst you treated him like that. And when you told him to suck it up, would he then tell everyone, but she’s a great mum?
No, as others have said raise your bar.
If you don’t want to leave, negotiate. No U18 games for a start. First team only. Home games only till your child is older. If he doesn’t agree to make changes for his family then you have your answer.

Well he's told you that he is not going to change, he's going to do what he wants when he wants so the question is - are you going to marry him and put up with this for the rest of your life? Or are you going to end the relationship and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you?

U18s? Seriously? He needs to grow up...

I would like to see the other side of this thread - Wife thinks I watch too much football 4 nights a week and all day drinking sessions every Saturday AIBU? - I do get up early every morning to lay on the sofa with DC though, eve when i'm hungover.

There’s nothing wrong with being a football fan if it involves going to see your team at home once a fortnight, the odd away game and something like a cup tie.
But your man is using it as an excuse to drink. If he wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol, I bet his hours spent out of the home would diminish.
I grew up in a football-obsessed household but to be fair to my dad he just went to occasional matches. And in those days there was nothing much on the TV, only Match of the Day!
I often think in these situations - how would this man cope if he suddenly had to manage on his on with his DS for a week? No football, no partner or wife to provide care, they just had to roll their sleeves up?
Right now, you probably feel trapped by this. It’s not about giving up a hobby, it’s about spending so much time away from home drinking, and the subsequent hangovers.
There are two stark choices: you stay and feel more resentful, or you leave and make a new life for yourself.
This man has no reason to change. He’s getting away with his very poor behaviour.

I'm a huge football fan and so is my OH. We met on an away trip following the team in Europe, had a season ticket for over 10 years, followed the team to every away game with my supporters club - often leaving at 10am to get to a bar/social club etc for 12 to binge drink until kick off (regularly still in the bar at kick off time downing tequilas!). Bus back after the game to the local pub then out clubbing etc etc etc

But that was when we were free and single and early 20s. Then we got married and had kids and grew up. Stopped regularly going to games for a couple of years until kids were old enough sit through it and now we take them. Pack up the car with packed lunches and snacks and drive to the game in time for kick off, then home again after.

If football was your OH's passion then he'd change anything to still be able to go

My DP has a passion too, he used to do it loads before we had kids (I had no issue with it, sometimes used to join him). Now we have a baby and a toddler and he rarely gets to do it because he’s not an arsehole who is happy for me to work my arse off while he has a nice time. I’m sorry your DP is being so selfish, YANBU

Are you a wealthy couple that he can go to footy and drinking 4 times a week? Do you know how much he is spending on his hobby?

Absolutely.

Dont let him take your kid, cos he'll just turn into a selfish obsessive as well