Sick of my fiance going to the football

[MamaMur]

My fiance and I have a 15 month old baby and he is a really great dad. I’ve known my partner since I was 11, and we’re now 28 and engaged. He’s always enjoyed going to watch the football but the last 6 months or so it feels constant.

He’s been 4 times in the last 7 days and will be off again to watch the next game on Saturday. At 10:30am I might add, for a 5:30pm kick off and I will be lucky if I see him before midnight.

He turns every game into a moderate to very heavy drinking session, which is probably the crux of my annoyance. It’s also pretty pricey when you factor in travel/tickets/football merch/a lot of drinks.

He also works 1 weekend a month which means almost all of my weekends are spent alone with our son cause he’s working, or at football, or miserable and hungover cause he drunk too much at the football.

Its definitely happening a lot more than it used to, which is concerning me - is he just trying to avoid spending time with us?

When I’m feeling petty I think about making my own plans - but truthfully I then just feel guilty cause really all I want to do is spend time with him and our son. When I do go out for drinks with my friends, I dread the next day knowing he’ll be out at the football and I’ll be left alone and hungover to look after our little one. It just puts me off going out.

I have made it VERY clear how upset I am about it all but he seems to have absolutely no care. He gets unbelievably defensive when I bring it up, and last time he just said “suck it up chum, it’s my passion” and I gave up.

It’s really upsetting me and I don’t want to imagine living the rest of my life arguing over football. I’ve tried everything under the sun to reason with him but he is simply not having it.

Help / AIBU?

Spot on. My dad was a season ticket holder. My DH, my BIL and my FIL are season ticket holders and have been for 25+ years. Not once have any of the 4 used it as an opportunity to go drinking from midday to midnight.

A quick beer or two near the ground before the game is standard. Maybe another beer on the way home if it is a particularly important win or if the trains are v busy.

The other side is still shit behaviour 😂was that intended 😂

Let him take him.

I forgot to add, when our dc were younger, he reined the football right in. Our ds often goes with him now.

DH also coaches our dc's team on a Sunday morning so no hangover here.

This isn't about football @MamaMur. I'm so sorry.

Would you say a great mum is one that just cuddles and plays with their child? A great parent is there. There for the day to day stuff, a reliable presence in the child's life. Someone you and a child will think 'ah I'll ask dad, they'll help /they'll know/ they want to be there '. Parenting isn't always about the visible stuff. You know that.

This is now your life if you don't speak up.

My ex was footie mad, went off watching football to an away game and proudly told me all the lads chipped in to the minibus driver as he's having a baby when my ex hadn't even bought his own child an item of clothing.

The glass on the side moment for me was Sunday night he told me he'd spent £150 going out to football but on Wednesday when I asked him to buy formula for the baby on the way home, he said he had no money! I told him to come home, pack his bag and fuck off! Best thing I ever did!

Your partner is definitely not a good dad when he is never there or hungover when he is.

Going to football is fine, going 4 times in 7 days is not.

Why do these posts always say he's a great dad
No
He isn't a great dad
This is not about football
He needs to grow up, cut down on the booze and be a dad and a partner

He’s got no incentive to change as he can live exactly as he likes and still have a cute baby and fiancé and nice home to come back to when he deigns to spend some time with you.
You have to lay some boundaries and follow through that he leaves unless he sticks to them. Have you looked into finances if you lived alone?

He might wake up eventually and be a better parent but he might not. But I wish I’d have done this earlier with my H. I feel sad thinking of so many bank holidays and weekends alone with a toddler, before I even had a good social group of other mums. It’s bad for your DC ultimately so if you don’t feel you have the strength to kick him out for yourself, do it for them.

Blimey, I told my husband that he could forget automatically setting off at 1pm for a match at 3pm whilst our son is tiny - it's not that he can NEVER do it, but when you're parents there are very few free passes any more.

I would start a conversation with him and not mention the word "football". It's not about football, it could be gaming, or golf, or shopping, it's the fact he's prioritising something else over you and your son, and expecting you to be the default full time parent while his life doesn't change.
You're not saying he can't have a passion, it means he has to compromise now and his time has to be shared.
So he needs to hear you're not trying to end football, but he needs to meet you halfway and so X time is his, y time is yours and z time is family.
Maybe approach it with "when does our son spend quality time with his Daddy?", "when is family time?", "when is my time to get a break?". He must have answers for these and if the answers are genuinely "never/I don't care/football comes first" then there might be some decisions that need to be made.

Imagine you are going to hospital next week for an operation involving seven days away.
Are you happy knowing this great dad has everything covered to take care of dc? You don't need to think of anything as he knows and does daily care food shopping washing etc?

Or are you concerned he will be off yo football and pub?
A friend or relative can cuddle a toddler does not make them the parent

Sorry my sarcasm maybe didn’t shine through in my post. It is most definitely indefensible shit behaviour. I can’t imagine anyone would YANBU on the flip side.

He sounds like an alcoholic using football as the excuse.

Mn generally hates football so you will get a very biased response here.

I speak, however, as a massive football fan. And I agree with the mn massive, he’s being a knob and he is NOT a great dad as you claim.

What a shitty dad. Don't marry him, give him an ultimatum on footballing vs parenting time and leave when he ignores it. Don't downsize your career.

Football watching is his "hobby" -okay fine. Bit obsessive but nowt wrong with hobbies.

However- I think football is the excuse. His real "hobby" is alcohol..

I mean, could he go to football and stay sober? I'm guess the answer is not a chance in hell.

You've not got a football problem, you've got an alcoholic problem.

DO NOT MARRY HIM!

Separate, until he can get his boozy hobby under control.

This was my eldest sons DF.

I finally had enough and got rid when my DS was 3.

The relief was immense.

He posts photos and videos, often ends up in the clubs official Instagram in the crowd and he came home from the event with a signed pair of trainers and photos in the changing room so he definitely is going

Thanks everyone for your comments. I’ve confronted him today and surprisingly he reacted very well - took it really seriously and didn’t get defensive.

We came up with a set of rules around the football and drinking that we were both happy with, I guess time will tell if he manages to stick to the rules.

He must be spending a fortune of your family income he's acting like he's single I have a football mad dh been together 7 and a bit years well nearly ,8 anyway he would never do this he watches the game at home and certainly doesn't act single going out all the time if he was like this pre children then I don't think he will change

I'm not hopeful that the agreed times you have discussed will happen, but hope they do, for your sake and your children.

My DH has a season ticket, I get so sick of football, he disappears off to the game, comes home.watches the game again on Match of the Day and when his teams not playing watches other games on his phone while we are supposed to be watching something together. He has also watched football on his phone while we've been out at a concert while we wait for it to start.

Can't get out of bed in morning unless for work or if he's going to football, will sleep until he's kicked out of bed to go out with me. It really gets me down.

In every other way he'd lovely but if football was banned tomorrow I'd be so happy

No, he'll just become brain washed like his dad

It's not the football I think you're unhappy with (a football match lasts 90 mins, plus extra time - rarely more than 12 minutes or so), I think it's the fact he's making it a whole day thing, including drinking to the point he's useless the next day too.

My adult child used to regularly drive 250 miles or so to watch a particular team. My child would leave about three hours before the match, watch the match, and then come home. True, it took most of a day (say from 11:00 to 19:00) but that was their relaxation. They were always fine the next day, and pulled their weight before and after the game.

So, if I were you (which I'm not, so feel free to ignore the rest of this sentence) I'd talk to him about the stuff around the football, not the game itself.