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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of my fiance going to the football

123 replies

MamaMur · 30/10/2024 23:19

My fiance and I have a 15 month old baby and he is a really great dad. I’ve known my partner since I was 11, and we’re now 28 and engaged. He’s always enjoyed going to watch the football but the last 6 months or so it feels constant.

He’s been 4 times in the last 7 days and will be off again to watch the next game on Saturday. At 10:30am I might add, for a 5:30pm kick off and I will be lucky if I see him before midnight.

He turns every game into a moderate to very heavy drinking session, which is probably the crux of my annoyance. It’s also pretty pricey when you factor in travel/tickets/football merch/a lot of drinks.

He also works 1 weekend a month which means almost all of my weekends are spent alone with our son cause he’s working, or at football, or miserable and hungover cause he drunk too much at the football.

Its definitely happening a lot more than it used to, which is concerning me - is he just trying to avoid spending time with us?

When I’m feeling petty I think about making my own plans - but truthfully I then just feel guilty cause really all I want to do is spend time with him and our son. When I do go out for drinks with my friends, I dread the next day knowing he’ll be out at the football and I’ll be left alone and hungover to look after our little one. It just puts me off going out.

I have made it VERY clear how upset I am about it all but he seems to have absolutely no care. He gets unbelievably defensive when I bring it up, and last time he just said “suck it up chum, it’s my passion” and I gave up.

It’s really upsetting me and I don’t want to imagine living the rest of my life arguing over football. I’ve tried everything under the sun to reason with him but he is simply not having it.

Help / AIBU?

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 31/10/2024 00:02

How much is all this costing your family? Season ticket, travel to away matches, plus all the boozing?

Do you get equal free time and spending money? (That's a rhetorical question, in case there is any doubt...)

Do NOT marry him. You WILL regret it if you do. Make plans to be a single mother. You are one already in all but name. You'll be better off if you make it a reality.

Summary:
He will not change. If you stay, this will be your life.

QueenBitch666 · 31/10/2024 00:04

Bin him. You'd be better off single than with a football cretin

MildGreenDairyLiquid · 31/10/2024 00:09

The problem here isn’t the football itself, it’s that football is being used as the excuse to basically have a day session / night out. He’s being unreasonable; he doesn’t have to give it up entirely but when you have a kid you have to curtail some aspects of your lifestyle.

thehangrycaterpillar · 31/10/2024 00:11

Your bar is lower than a snake’s belly if he is a great dad.
It might seem not the point but what kind of dad do/did you have @MamaMur to think that this is in any way acceptable?

He is behaving like a shit dad right now and not someone I would want around my child.

There are a few alcoholics in my family, mostly men, and the damage to the children (some of whom are now adults) is huge.

So many of them have very warped views on what is normal behaviour. Some of them are strictly teetotal because of how their fathers were.

Children learn from their family. It would be amazing if your son could learn that women are worth more than how you’re being treated. He won’t learn that if you stay.

This sounds really hard for you, I would say the best thing is that you’re not married.
Being together from a very young age means he is probably what you are used to but familiarity alone is not worth this kind of life.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 31/10/2024 00:20

We're a football mad family but we wouldn't go to watch the under 18s! I agree with other posters that it's an excuse to go on a bender.
If you split up then he'll definitely have to choose whether to spend time with his son or at the football.

violentovulation · 31/10/2024 02:21

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/10/2024 23:43

He us trying to live his life as if he were single and childfree. He isn’t.

No one cares how much of a “passion” he has for football, he has a 15 month old son and he needs to step up and parent.

Came here to say this. He thinks he can go back to playing out with his mates, and he can't. He's checked out.

So he needs to decide which bloke he's going to be. A good present and supportive dad and husband, or a wanker who checked out when things got hard and went to play with his mates again. If it's the latter then it's time for a divorce.

InSpainTheRain · 31/10/2024 03:37

You won't change him - football and alcohol go together for some guys and they won't change. Either decide you'll accept it or break it off before you marry. You will have a lifetime of arguing about it otherwise. Sorry OP just being honest.

Justsayit123 · 31/10/2024 04:11

But he’s not a great dad! Not a good partner either. Probably better off being a single parent.

Diaryfear · 31/10/2024 04:22

I'm a huge football fan and spend lots of weekends as you describe.

However, I'm single with adult children and my time and money is my own.

I had a break from it when DC were young and from about 5yo took them with me - so the drinking was very much moderated. I was always sad that DH wouldn't even try and enjoy it as a family thing, but he didn't so he got my football time "off" while I had DC.

What would he do if you split and he had DC eg EOW? He needs to think about that because this is no way to live.

Diaryfear · 31/10/2024 04:24

RockyRogue1001 · 30/10/2024 23:25

Why isn't he taking his son to football?
Dad n son bonding time!

At 15 months?

mnreader · 31/10/2024 04:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Codlingmoths · 31/10/2024 04:56

Well, you’re clearly not his passion. I think you need to confront this and call the wedding off.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/10/2024 05:01

All-consuming hobbies are generally the first thing to go when a couple become parents. Your fiancé has not made the transition from being a single man to being a partner and a father. Do you have any reason to think he ever will?

Bewareofthisonetoo · 31/10/2024 05:02

Mine did this ( different sport) -should have left him then.

olympicsrock · 31/10/2024 05:12

This is not good OP. You are effectively a single parent for much of the time. Many men find ways to avoid the baby years. Mine did and I had to threaten divorce to turn things around and be really serious about it.
Ask him how much spare time he’ll have for football if he has his son every other weekend and how much spare cash if he has to pay rent on his own place and child support.
He would have 1 weekend free a month !!!

Daleksatemyshed · 31/10/2024 08:47

If he won't change Op then you'll be back on MN in 10 years saying you're divorcing him and wishing you hadn't wasted all those years on him. Don't marry him Op

researchers3 · 31/10/2024 08:50

Suck it up chum?

Well there is a total lack of respect right there.

He's a selfish, immature, alcoholic misogynist op.

He's not an acceptable dad, never mind a good one. Do you want your little boy to grow up with this as a role model?

And you certainly deserve way better.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 31/10/2024 09:04

Do not marry this man. He is selfish and absolutely NOT a great dad.

Please don't tolerate his lack of respect for you, you will live to regret it and the time you have wasted on this person.

Are you financially secure, as he seems to be pissing all his money on beer and football?

WaneyEdge · 31/10/2024 09:09

RockyRogue1001 · 30/10/2024 23:25

Why isn't he taking his son to football?
Dad n son bonding time!

He’s 15 months. The baby would get nothing out of it whatsoever. I have a season ticket at a Championship club, I’ve never seen a baby changing place there. It’s really not a suitable activity until they’re much older.

BellissimoGecko · 31/10/2024 09:13

Ladyandherspaniel · 30/10/2024 23:22

He's not a great Dad if he's never there and if he is he's hung over.

You're doing it by yourself anyway so give him the choice.. His family or the drinking and football
.. Youl see how much of a great dad he is then.

This.

He's really not a great dad. I'm sorry.

Thelondonone · 31/10/2024 09:14

My dad follows his team home and away and England. My mum made the choice to stay with him and make her own life around football. She taught me not to do the same. I probably go to more games than my husband. Not even my dad goes to under 18 games…. I started going with my dad at about 11 and it was the making of our relationship. My husband would like to play golf regularly-not a chance if I had to stay at home and wait around for him to come back. You need to sit him down and work out what is acceptable to you both- but be prepared to leave-ultimately.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2024 09:18

He isn't a great dad.
He's a selfish alcoholic.

Although actually, since the bar for what a great dad is is so low for some people, maybe he is a great dad if that means he cuddles and plays with him only at his own convenience. What he is not, is a great parent. Would you call yourself a great mum if you spent half an hour a day cuddling and playing with your child then spent the rest of your time either at work or at your own solo leisure activity?
So, the two of this hypothetical great parents would spend an hour a day combined cuddling and playing with their child - what about the other 23 hours?

Nothatgingerpirate · 31/10/2024 09:28

"He's a really great dad".
Sigh.
He's yet another football twat.
Sorry.

Diaryfear · 31/10/2024 09:34

I don't think this is about the football, it's about the drinking.

There no problem with him going to football (once a week or so) for a couple of hours. It's important for both parents have an interest away from the home imo, and it can be a great thing to do as a family or for him to take DC to, as DC get older. I went to a non league game last weekend and stood by a group that was grandad, dad and grandson, who was in his 30s. There aren't too many things that can keep that sort of relationship going.

It's not Ok to lose whole weekends to drinking and hangovers

AngelinaFibres · 31/10/2024 09:46

PrincessofWells · 30/10/2024 23:44

I really don't understand why women put up with this shit 😒

In this case I think its because they've been together since they were 11. Their lives/ friends/ families will be totally enmeshed. It will always have been Xand Y together so to break out of that is a huge thing. Especially if you have absolutely no experience of any other relationship type. Its easier to stay than to leave. You have the sunk cost situation going on. Its also a slow drip ,drip of half hearted effort . It just becomes normal life and its hard to see what people on the outside see. Op you need to have a conversation with him. You may also need to face the fact that you have invested a huge number of years in something that has run its course.