Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

I know other people have mentioned county lines. This actually happened to a friend's daughter. She used to hang out in a local park in a very nice part of sw London - she and her friends were targeted by a group of older guys who bought them drink and cigarettes etc. Soon she was entirely roped in. They would turn up at her parents' home to pick her up and take her off to do their bidding. In the end she had to be taken into care and placed hundreds of miles away and the things that happened to her are just unbelievable. It happens.

It’s not for me to decide what is right for your dd, but sone things stand out to me.

Why are well cared, nurtured village children considered ‘coddled’?
And why is that a negative for you?

What realities of your own life do you think dd needs to experience? That off set the private school experience in your mind? Why do you think the private school parents are not following your lead and stopping the after school activities for cultural education at the park?

Your decisions for your dc, as are all of ours, are heavily influenced by your own life. Your dd is having a completely different life.

Same here. I'm sometimes blown away by the level of freedom people on here give their kids. An 11yo has no business having a boyfriend, or hanging out in the park. I live in a very nice area too, and we don't let our kids roam around hanging around the streets or parks. It's usually at home with a parent around, or organised activities. Also an 11yo having a boyfriend isn't cute, I would judge someone for that.

DD12 here and this is hard no from me.

And thats from someone who’s in a ‘nice’ area (whatever that means) and allowed her to walk/to from school with 2 friends from Y5 in primary.

Completely different level of risk, in a park, in the dark. No way.

I think different people are imagining different scenarios.
Most 11 year old boyfriends are just friends who happen to be boys.

There is a park right next to my DC's secondary school; absolutely loads of the children hang out there after school as it's convenient - it's also right next to a parade of shops and a health centre so there is lots of people walking through - there is really nothing dodgy going on, just children in groups chatting or playing football.

No issue (and nor do most Year 7 parents) with my DC going to the park with a boyfriend in this scenario.

If you're imagining your 11 year old having sex in the park with their boyfriend, late at night while they are recruited for county lines and surrounded by people drinking, vaping and smoking weed, then clearly that's an entirely different thing!

And there's clearly a grey line in the middle where your individual situation crosses from ok to not ok. Depending on their own situations people are putting OP's one or other side of the line. Flat saying "there is no way this is acceptable" is ridiculous. It needs qualifiers.

I am really sorry that happened to your family, and your darling dd. I hope she has been able to recover and put her life back together.

This thread is depressing. The amount of helicopter parenting going on. Everything supervised, everything tracked, everything arranged by the adults. You’re probably statistically more likely to crash the car and seriously injure your kid on the way to the local cinema you’re dropping them to for their ‘supervised date’ than them getting dragged in to dealing drugs!
Any sensible child should know not to interact with complete strangers whilst knocking around in their local park and of course you don’t let them go after dark. Give them a curfew and trust them.
If you don’t, be prepared to have to parent them forever. Unless that’s what you want? Don’t let them go to uni in case they’re scared of being away from you. Perhaps buy them their first house, accompany them to their first job interview? Pick their spouse for them even?

I’m sure most of you have heard of it, but please do read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt (or listen to some of his podcasts)
and also ‘bad therapy - why the kids aren’t growing up’ by Abigail Shrier

Honestly I find the complacency depressing.

Your child can have as much independence as you/they like! They can travel around, go on camping adventures and shop, watch films, go for coffee, learn to use buses, trains, sailing, ride horses - take themselves off anywhere that appeals independently but have some boundaries around parks, canals and other areas that are known to attract predators.

It is not the park or nothing.

That is just too black and white. There is an entire independent world in the middle.

Our local park is not known to attract predators.

Meanwhile some coffee shops, particular bus routes, the local bowling alley (all places which you seem to deem perfectly fine) ... would avoid like the plague.

Ironically you are the one thinking in black and white terms. Parks are not uniformly bad and other places are not uniformly good.

My daughter S.A. e she goes to the park with her friends after school I don't see anything wrong

Meant my daughter same age goes

Ofc it goes without saying it varies regionally. But universally parks after tea time are usually places children should avoid. You might know of the odd exception. Some are patrolled. Others are policed by cameras etc but on the whole I think we can safely say grown men aren’t visiting to play on the swings…

After tea time? So 5pm? If you'd said 9pm, I might concede you had a point.

But in early evening, I think I can safely say that there may be many grown men in parks. They are walking/cycling home from work/shops/other places. They are going for a run. They are walking their dog. They are taking their young children to play on the swings. They are playing organised sport. Yes, not all parks are like this, but they hardly represent the odd exception.

I am talking from dusk onwards, so here it is 5pm or slightly earlier. The dog walkers evaporate and clearly I am not talking about them, please stop being facetious, this is a serious subject.

@redskydarknight I think you might be thinking of probably our /your generation where kids were really just kids.
Today an 11yo is exposed to/ surrounded by their own peers who have access to so much harmful stuff- porn, drugs, smoking, grooming.

We have had a kid over from a local activity group. 9yo wanting to listen to hardcore rap music with explicit words. My own dc was shocked and told him he's not allowed to play that, we sent him home shortly after and he's never allowed here again. Told ds he is just sticking to his school friends where we know the parents and types of kids.
This was just music, yet that's a child that will hang around the parks and get up to who knows what. I think children today are far too exposed compared to how I grew up and I will have a closer eye on things.
Anyway in our friendship groups/my dc groups parents are present, drop and pick, play dates arranged etc. and that's fine with me.

And recently I have come across a few incidents where men were exposing themselves at parks so the danger might be something like this. No 11yo needs to be hanging around parks.

No way, unsafe, grooming, drugs

It has been well documented that those charged with indecent exposure 9/10 go on to be perpetrators of more serious sexual offences. We have just changed the legal guidelines to increase sentencing powers around exposure to take this into account.

The days of a flasher ( dirty old man as they were known) being benign are well and truly over.

Depends on your park but I would want to know who they were meeting, where, how long and certainly home before dusk/dark.

Hell, no.

No, I'm thinking of my own children who are teens and their peer group.
Can I suggest that if you are thinking that secondary school children need playdates organising, or parents always present, you are being massively overprotective?

I have no doubt there are dodgy parks that should be avoided. And many other places that are not parks that should be avoided as well.

OP is talking about her DC hanging out in the park after school, not late at night. I assume she knows her own park (or could walk through it at that time if she doesn't) and doesn't think it is full of predators or drug dealers or people drinking.

A lot of people have gone for the blanket "hanging out in park=bad". No, please judge your own situation. Lots of parks (as I said upthread, there is a park by my DC's school which is full of secondary school children hanging out after school) are perfectly fine due to the way it is constructed, the clear visibility, heavy footfall of people walking through, lighting etc.

Remember many secondary school children are otherwise going back to empty houses as their parents work. They can listen to whatever music they want; look at porn ... Frankly, many of them can do that if their parents are there. It's a question of risk assessing.

My DC have spent years hanging out in our local park after school. There are other places I would worry about them going, but not there. Your local park may be different. Understanding the risks is important, but it's also important to realise when the risk is minimal.

These would be the ground rules if we let her go:

• Absolutely not after dusk/dark (This may reduce it now due to darker nights as she will only have about 45 mins after school / plus I don't think she'd be interested in being out at night / too cold / creepy)

• Stick to the times arranged. 1-3pm / 11-1pm - or I'll be ringing / coming to find her / ringing the police (I said this for effect)

• Only with friends we know, no going off with random people or to random peoples houses. Ring me if unsure at any time

• I'll walk over from a distance to drop her with said friends if needed to ensure they are there and check..but this is just initially and may taper off

We've also had a big on-going chat talking frankly about the dangers / risks and have been honest saying that it's mainly older kids that are a worry and the influence they could have..the park across the road from me has a bunch of kids playing basketball and tennis / football and cricket groups often on the park..lots of mums and toddlers and it is busy as right next to a school. I think in broad day light it's quite safe..there are areas to avoid like enclosed paths but she wont need to go anywhere near them.

If it's just a weekend day in the morning or early pm I think she'd be ok (there are still dangers of course but this is massively reduced at that time). She understands why I said she couldn't just go off and meet a new boy in her year we don't know anything about and was fine about it.

I have said to her that other options for hanging out indoors at places might be better / safer and especially during the winter months when it's dark all the time. I don't want her to have under-developed life skills, be prevented from socialising and mixing with her peers or stunted independence, resillience (age appropriate) - but I also want her to be as safe as possible and not hand her over to criminal gangs, etc

We will also be having another chat about what a boyfriend actually means at her age and what is appropriate and what isn't. I think at the moment it's just a novelty / name thing but will keep my eye on things.

Like I say these things are new to us / going on the park and having a "boy friend" at age 11 ...she was at primary school literally 5 mins ago!

I would be concerned that she has a boyfriend that you don't know about.... An 11 year old still needs their phones monitoring and it needs to be done quite consistently.

We are in the South East so only dark that early in deepest winter. Usually light until 6 by end of January, certainly by February half term.