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AIBU?

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Original poster

To even think of having another baby

116 replies

Soitis83 · 29/10/2024 20:48

I have three children all under 5. My youngest is only 4 months old. Some days are really quite stressful, mostly though I love it. I'm mid 30's now and my last pregnancy really took its toll on me. But something inside me really wants just one more, I don't feel complete yet. But with things getting more expensive, we would have to move to accommodate another child, these sleepless nights are so hard, it's ridiculous to even consider another one.
When did you feel done? And if you didn't feel done but stopped anyway, did you get over it? I'm finding myself crying at all my baby's firsts because they're my lasts instead of enjoying them.

OP posts:
StressedQueen · 29/10/2024 20:54

I would honestly say, no, don't do it. Your youngest is literally so little and I think you are just feeling sad at the idea that they are all growing up. Even if you truly do want another one, I would wait till your youngest is a bit older. The fact that you would have to move shows that it is something to take seriously.

I have 5 children (one set of twins). I didn't feel done after my 3rd so I completely understand your feelings and having my 4th was a blessing but I only did this with extreme thought. I fell accidentally pregnant with my 5th and I love her a lot and can't imagine life without her but still, it is weird to me that I felt done after number 4. We are lucky to be financially stable and having more children meant we didn't need to move. Also, my children have a larger age gap than yours. About 3 years apart each. Which is why I found it easier.

Please make sure you feel okay. Having a 4th would be lovely but you do need to think practically about the future as well. You need to be emotionally there for your children too and you have to be prepared for the fact that you might not even feel done after number 4.

Noodlesnotstrudels · 29/10/2024 20:58

Are you sure its not just post partum hormones? I had my second in April and DH and I had the chat about a third a few months ago. I have never ever wanted 3, but when I had my snuggly second baby in my arms, I definitely thought about going again.

Redplenty · 29/10/2024 20:59

Do you want four close in age teenagers fighting, or just another round of baby snuggles?

RomeoRivers · 29/10/2024 21:04

I’m due with DC3 tomorrow and, like you, will have 3 under 5.

Growing up I wanted 5 as I’m 1 of 5, but then 3 consecutive miscarriages took their toll and we decided on 4.

Now we are considering the financial impact if we continue with our plan of 4. In reality we can more than accommodate 4 kids financially, but I know it would potentially stress out my DH as he wants to provide a certain level of lifestyle.

However, I’m not sure my heart can come to terms with this being the last baby. I know that logically 3 kids is plenty, but I’m already broody to meet no.4. I think I would feel like someone was missing and potentially resent not just going for it.

Sorry, no advice, just to say I share your dilemma.

Thedownstream · 29/10/2024 21:10

I have three. I wasn’t done after two (DH was but I talked him round).

I am definitely done now although still experience the sadness you mention that I won’t have another maternity leave and have the newborn baby snuggles.

Youngest is now 2.5 and I think what has helped me to be done is that he has been really hard work (with sleeping, eating, biting, hitting). We are touch wood out the other side of that now and he is a little sweetie who tells me he loves me all the time. I still remember the two years of awful sleep though!

I often tell people if he’d been my second there wouldn’t have been a third. I think a lot of people stop at two because they’ve had a challenging first or second, and those of use who have had easygoing good sleepers continue on to have more.

heasail3 · 29/10/2024 21:23

I have 3 and I was definitely done after the 3rd. I remember being prepped for my elcs and thinking thank god I won't have to do this again (not that it was painful or difficult, I was just done with all the intrusion and prodding). Our youngest is 2.5, DH has had the snip and I have a coil which will last me through menopause. We've bought our "not forever but one to last until the dcs leave school" home and I am glad we won't have to think of packing and moving again for than a decade. We are lucky that it's in a lovely area and I would not be happy to move to a cheaper area to accommodate another child as it would take away so many amenities and opportunities for my dc.
After dc2 I was reluctant to get rid of baby stuff but now I'm putting it on Vinted and glad to have it out of the way.

Spendingtoomuchonfood · 29/10/2024 21:26

You need to think through the practicalities of when their school aged. Can you listen to them all read for at least 10 mins a night, read to them 1:1 and give them 1:1 time? Can you offer 4 children everyrhing they need.

MissHalloween · 29/10/2024 21:26

I have three and really wanted a fourth DC when my youngest started school. Then I realised I couldn’t keep having babies when the youngest went to school.

middleagedandinarage · 29/10/2024 21:26

Someone told me, it's not that you want another baby, you just want your babies to be babies again and it's so true, really helped me. The problem is I don't think you ever feel done, the last will always be hard.

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2024 21:31

middleagedandinarage · 29/10/2024 21:26

Someone told me, it's not that you want another baby, you just want your babies to be babies again and it's so true, really helped me. The problem is I don't think you ever feel done, the last will always be hard.

But her youngest is only 4 months old! Literally still a baby.

OP I think you're nuts to want another baby at the moment. You're only just out of the postpartum stage.

Moonpye · 29/10/2024 21:41

I've had our third recently. We absolutely can't have another for loads of reasons. But I did always want four and it's hard to let go of. Youngest is 6 months so is growing out of various things but I can't bring myself to part with anything yet. I'm so sad that I won't get to do it all the lovely bits again but i think I'm on the way to accepting it and relieved in some ways that I don't have to do all the not so lovely bits. I think I can be a better mum to 3 than I could be to 4 so I'm focussing on that.

anicecuppateaa · 29/10/2024 21:47

Totally understand - although it may be the hormones talking. I also have 3 under 5 and just found out I am pregnant, although DH doesn’t want to continue with the pregnancy. I would love to have 4 and know I would be done then. It’s a hard feeling to articulate.

Original poster
Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 07:47

Redplenty · 29/10/2024 20:59

Do you want four close in age teenagers fighting, or just another round of baby snuggles?

I think looking into the future helps me. I have 3 boys and would love another boy. The thought of having a teenage girl terrifies me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 07:48

MissHalloween · 29/10/2024 21:26

I have three and really wanted a fourth DC when my youngest started school. Then I realised I couldn’t keep having babies when the youngest went to school.

This is exactly how I would feel I just know it. I'll end up like the Radford's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 07:53

Financially we wouldn't struggle, but the fact everything is going up scares me. DH job is very physical so if something happens to his health and he loses his job, we would struggle. My job, when I'm working, doesn't pay enough to cover everything. Childcare is expensive. So I need to look at everything practically and not just through baby lenses. I just hate this feeling of never being done.
It doesn't help that my tiny baby is (at the moment) so easy, as is my oldest..(middle, not so much but he's at the notoriously tricky stage). But I need to remind myself the next baby's health wouldn't be guaranteed, their behaviour wouldn't be guaranteed either. Argh. I just wish I felt complete.

OP posts:
MissHalloween · 30/10/2024 08:09

Argh. I just wish I felt complete

Give it time, I also have 3 boys (well men now) and honestly it’s fantastic.

Halfemptyhalfling · 30/10/2024 08:19

I would think about it when baby is one and give your body time to recover

Didimum · 30/10/2024 08:28

I find the concept of children ‘completing’ someone a bit off. Regardless of that feeling, children don’t exist to complete someone and they shouldn’t be bought into this world for that purpose. They should not ‘complete’ each other as siblings either.

If expense, space and time are in any way considerations or even vague concerns, then I think you should focus on the enriching the lives of the three children you already have and not further depleting yourself or your resources.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 30/10/2024 08:28

You'll feel the sadness of things "being the last" no matter if you have a hundred children. Knowing your last baby is your last, it's just something you have to go through. Also your bio clock gives no fucks about how difficult it is to carry and raise a baby, so it will definitely try to lead you astray during your late 30s

Edingril · 30/10/2024 08:30

So you have one more then what another and another? Will you cope as a single parent if you have too? What about the effects on the children already born? It's not a hobby having children well shouldn't be

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2024 08:31

What if you don't 'feel done' after a fourth baby? Are you just going to keep having babies until you can't?!
You'll also have to move house and potentially buy a larger car etc. let alone the toll it would take on your body.
I'd focus on the children you have personally.

Dilbertian · 30/10/2024 08:35

TBH I never felt done. Can totally relate to how you are feeling. But sometimes your head needs to rule your heart. It does get easier, I promise you. Focus on the joy of what you've got, and try to ignore wishful thinking.

MissHalloween · 30/10/2024 08:46

It sounds crazy but have you considered getting a kitten or a puppy in a few years time?
My cat is my fourth DS!

Original poster
Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 08:54

Edingril · 30/10/2024 08:30

So you have one more then what another and another? Will you cope as a single parent if you have too? What about the effects on the children already born? It's not a hobby having children well shouldn't be

Yeah I would cope. DH is away a lot for work anyway and I love raising children. Not a hobby by any means, a life goal for me personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 09:03

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2024 08:31

What if you don't 'feel done' after a fourth baby? Are you just going to keep having babies until you can't?!
You'll also have to move house and potentially buy a larger car etc. let alone the toll it would take on your body.
I'd focus on the children you have personally.

This is my concern. Will I ever feel done?

OP posts: