To even think of having another baby

[Soitis83]

I have three children all under 5. My youngest is only 4 months old. Some days are really quite stressful, mostly though I love it. I'm mid 30's now and my last pregnancy really took its toll on me. But something inside me really wants just one more, I don't feel complete yet. But with things getting more expensive, we would have to move to accommodate another child, these sleepless nights are so hard, it's ridiculous to even consider another one.
When did you feel done? And if you didn't feel done but stopped anyway, did you get over it? I'm finding myself crying at all my baby's firsts because they're my lasts instead of enjoying them.

Thanks for the advice. I've always thought I might need therapy for certain things I was subjected to but always just got on with life. But as I get older, I see my trauma coming out in other ways.

I will definitely be waiting. Perhaps in that wait will the urge disappear. But it is just something I think about a lot, quite often when my baby hits milestones and I get so sad that it's the last time I'll experience them

Sounds like you aren't enjoying the children if you are thinking too much about the next one at the same time.

Does it? Sounds to me you're making a huge assumption based on the fact I said I get sad about all my babies firsts being the last time I'll ever experience them.

But there will be plenty of firsts with the children you already have🙍

It's probably your hormones...after I'd had dc3 I was desperate for another one, then dc3 got to 12 months and the feeling completely & utterly disappeared.

So very glad I didn't listen to my crazy hormones and have a 4th. I'm back to work part time and it's good.

Also, this.

DH is one of 4. He gets along very well with all his siblings, which is great.

His parents would tell you that they got plenty of attention and had a good, loving upbringing. But that's a very rose tinted view of it. All 4 siblings complain privately about how little attention they got, how chaotic their childhood was and how they envy people who grew up in smaller families. Especially as the 3rd was an absolute nightmare age 8-16 and a lot of their parents attention was taken away by him.

The fact is you just don't have the time. As they grow older, they need so much more of your attention and you won't have it. You just don't. You need to think about your existing children, and whether a 4th is what is best for them.

For me it’s effective to think about the implications if number four has additional needs or something goes wrong with the pregnancy or birth. You say your family is perfect right now- how would it be to have a child who will always need care? How would it impact on the older siblings once you and your H are too old to handle caring for an adult child, or when you pass? What if something happened to you during the birth?

Grim maybe, but I know a few families where these scenarios have happened, and it’s really, really tough for everyone in that family. I always see having another baby as rolling the dice again.

Has anyone suggested getting a kitten? Or a puppy? I found having a baby animal an effective cure for broodiness (and their night waking doesn’t last as long as a human baby!).

With 3 under 5, I feel you've not yet reached the mental stage when homework ramps up, emotional support is required, kid's social lives and clubs explodes etc etc. I have 3 - age 9, 6 and 21months. It is RELENTLESS. I wouldn't have it any other way, and we have a truly lovely life - but I don't remember the last time I sat down to watch tv or chilled out or did something purely for myself. I had a niggling feeling we needed a 3rd, but have a totally done feeling now! Everything is on vinted!

I definitely felt done when I had my fourth as it was an emergency section due to placental abruption. No way was I walking that road again due to all the risks. I get that it's much more difficult to come to terms with stopping if you sail through each pregnancy. I did until my fourth...glad to be out the baby stage now they're 17, 14, 9 and 7.

Definitely sound advice from this poster. It's all fine until it isn't...

Got to agree with others, wait until you hit the teenage years. It can be tough when they are having emotional problems, or need help with exam revision. It can be a tough gig.

Absolutely not

I think it is important to consider the what ifs. I had a third that has massively impacted family life due to additional needs and extreme behaviour. I am under no illusions that their siblings have been negatively impacted and I feel guilty all the time that my time and energy is mostly spent on the third child, with little left to give to my older two. I think we take for granted that having a baby is simple and that baby will be perfect, but that isn't always the reality. My youngest is nearly 12 and it hasn't got easier, its got harder the older they get. Just another perspective to consider.

Agree with this.

That is definitely something I have thought of. Tbh this thread has helped massively as day to day life of cooing over a baby and getting sad it's my last is all I've had to focus on. But hearing others perspectives and the reality of what life can be like with older children has helped me think more clearly. I can quietly mourn the baby stage without desperately needing it all over again.
But if waving goodbye to the first smiles, the first rolling over, the first laughs ect also means waving goodbye to pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, fear of their health then I can wave that bit happier.

I can imagine it is difficult, in fact I felt similar after my third. I desperately wanted a fourth. Well, I got what I wanted and more into the bargain than I expected. It's a true saying, be careful what you wish for. Enjoy your trio OP but if you do decide to weigh up having a fourth just be mindful that things can go wrong and be life altering for yourselves as parents and also the older three.

@JustPloddingOnBy ❤️ I hear you. My youngest is 7yo and the stress doesn't get easier as they get older for some of us.

This.

Also i think it’s incredibly sad to see raising children as a life goal to the extent you just keep having more.

What happens when they leave home?

Having children should be a part of your life not your whole life.

How lovely that despite all the craziness and madness you would like another child. You’re clearly a lovely mum and made for doing this. I’m not reading all the posts so I don’t know why you say you would have to move. Can they not all just be crammed into one room? They’ll get over it. if you and your husband really want a fourth then wonderful why not. You won’t be the first people in history to do it or the last. So if you genuinely think your husband is happy with the idea and you can still give the others plenty of love than why not.

When I was ttc there were actually a significant number of posters who were ttc subsequent children who ended up having one with sn.

UI suffered secondary infertility after my first and was unable to have more. Then I got divorced and my xh went on to have another baby with his new partner. That child has multiple disabilities and has had a huge impact on their family.

I'm not a baby person but always wanted 2. I'm 5 weeks pregnant with the second one (eldest is almost 2.5) and I can 100% already tell you this will be the last! Retraining so desperate to start my new career too, but finding part time work in it is hard.

You have to project forward to other stages of life, not just early childhood. I have two teenagers and it is quite challenging and emotionally draining dealing with the myriad of issues, choices, etc that arise all the time. In a practical sense they need you somewhat less but otherwise they need you more. Then there are the costs of late teenage years, college etc. I know two families of four where the impression I get is of the happy rambunctious big family vibe wearing off the older the children get, to be replaced by a lot of stress about money, relationships, the ups and downs of teenage life, etc. Not in all cases of course but it's not a chance I'd be willing to take for 'my' dream. Life is honestly infinitely more complex for the average young person today, I would not swap with them and I feel that the two I have use a lot of my bandwidth as it is. I work full time which is obviously a factor too.

It’s hard when you feel that need to your bones though. I think it’s quite biological.