To even think of having another baby

[Soitis83]

I have three children all under 5. My youngest is only 4 months old. Some days are really quite stressful, mostly though I love it. I'm mid 30's now and my last pregnancy really took its toll on me. But something inside me really wants just one more, I don't feel complete yet. But with things getting more expensive, we would have to move to accommodate another child, these sleepless nights are so hard, it's ridiculous to even consider another one.
When did you feel done? And if you didn't feel done but stopped anyway, did you get over it? I'm finding myself crying at all my baby's firsts because they're my lasts instead of enjoying them.

4 sets of university support. Gulp.

I keep reading phrases like 'family doesn't feel complete yet' and 'not being done' on threads like these.

I don't know anyone in real life who talks like this. Surely the decision about the size of one's family, a decision which will impact literally everything for decades to come and shape the lives of existing DC, can't be down to vague notions of 'feeling done' or not?

I really think impact on siblings in terms of availability and allocation of resources is paramount: can your income support your DC's interests and future aspirations and ensure the have the kinds of experiences which will encourage them to grow?

Do you have enough time to support them individually with homework and studies? I'm a teacher -it is so noticeable which children get quality 1:1 time spent reading and learning spellings, times tables and general homework tasks (for the record, I am completely opposed to homework, but that's neither here nor there, it is a feature of school life in the UK). Your DC are still little, so do you have a realistic idea of how much time you will need for this (unless you are in a position to hire help)? I spend about 30 minutes a day on my NT DC's school related admin and homework support (including nagging and checking). One DC has SEN, so spend additional hours each week managing liaison with school, local authority and allied professionals.

Make sure you've enough resources across the board and in the long term, OP. And don't lean too heavily on the joint income you share with your partner. Make sure you can sustain your family on your own income; we can't know what the future holds, and circumstances do change.

Indeed. Just supporting two has been incredibly tough.

Yeah looking down the barrel of two. All good but jolly glad we didn’t have a third!

Never felt done til my 5th was born. And as soon as she was born, i had a complete feeling that my family was complete. I had never had that feeling before. It was amazing.

All mine grown up now. (5th is 17) No regrets. I was 40 when my 5th was born and i knew i was pushing it at 40. I had 4 mcs between babies 4 and 5 so i just felt incredibly lucky to have a final baby at 40.

If i were you (and you have time) I'd wait 2 or 3 years to see if your urge subsides. If it remains strong and your partner is willing, go for another!

Hmmm. Well, of course parenting has become ever-more hands on over the past 20 years!!!

Personally, i think it's healthier for kids to grow up without parents organising and supervising all their homework. I don't agree with h/w for primary aged kids at all.

And, at high school, they really should be able to organise things themselves. If a child is bright and you have done a good job in the early years, they will be pretty mature as teens. I think all this over parenting is what's infantalising them.

My dd1 and ds3 are my brightest and got straight As across the board and 1st class honours degrees.

Ds 2 also went to uni. Other 2 have not gone to uni.

We started savings plans for them all as babies. Each of them left home (the ones that have left) with approx £10k each and they have been on their own from there and bumped up with work whilst studying.

I always worked at home as a childminder but my previous career was in speech and language therapy so all of my kids started primary able to read and well ahead with school readiness. I put in lots of time during the pre school years (my kids are all well spaced) and that set them up to get on.

2 of my kids did have private tutoring on maths at high school level but i really did not over involve myself in homework.

Having a bigger family creates kids that are able to manage things more independently i think. And that's a good thing!

And the prize for the smuggest perfect parent post on this thread goes to the one above mine.

Ha ha that'd be mine😂 well, of course i'm not the perfect parent. And i do think parenting's harder now than it was 30 years ago.

My dd2 took an overdose at 16 and that's why i joined NM. (that's my youngest dd, 5th born)

And my middle one is disabled. So, no. Not smug. Nor perfect. But you pick out what you want to pick out relevent to each thread don't you.

And - on this thread - i support larger families. So i'm only picking out the positives.

** Oh - and i do lean heavily on DH's income. So there's another thing i'm doing wrong🤣

Yes, I stopped having children before I felt 'ready/complete/done'.

Now DC are young adults I am very, very pleased I did stop and have no regrets at all. In fact, if I'm really honest, I feel guilty for having the children I did sometimes. It was all about me and what I wanted at the time and very little thought for them really. It is so much tougher for younger generations than it was for me/DH. Financially bridging the gap between what we had with no parental help and what they would have is massive.

Maybe leave it a while before making a decision. You're mid 30s. So you do have time ahead of you. I would say it's way too early with your new baby to call this.

Apologies @Anisty

Do you think deep down the reason you want another is to have a daughter? Maybe you will feel complete once you have the opposite gender? I have 4 and it is great fun and hard work at the same time. Our house is constantly upside down!

No worries - i agree that my first post did come over a bit smug!

And, actually, i genuinely think parenting IS tougher. I was born late 60s in that generation where little girls were practising for Motherhood and marriage throughout all their childhood play.

We were just expected to get married and have kids. Fortunately, i am very maternal and that suited me. I'd have hated to have had to have a successful career outside the home. I made my career as a childminder which worked well for us.

Expectations and society have changed beyond all recognition. I never hear anyone saying they want to grow up and have a family these days.

So - i am heartened to read threads like this where a woman actually wants more. Not every kid is going to get to uni (and university education is being devalued year on year) but you can still be a very well loved and valuable member of society having grown up amongst many siblings and will have different experiences from the only child that has had an intense parenting experience.

We had three close together and I felt totally done and content after that.

No regrets and very happy indeed to move away from the baby stage.

Looking forward to every stage of my life, not just having small children around, which is a very small part of life.

Social media has alot to answer for when it comes to bombarding mothers with male the most of every moment, you'll be a miserable old hag once they've grown.

Rubbish!

Whether you do ir don't have another, you can be happy.

I disagree. I don't think it came across as smug at all. You should be so proud of yourself for the life you created for your children. Good for you x