Page 3 | To even think of having another baby

Soitis83 · 2024-10-29T20:48:19+00:00

I have three children all under 5. My youngest is only 4 months old. Some days are really quite stressful, mostly though I love it. I'm mid 30's now and my last pregnancy really took its toll on me. But something inside me really wants just one more, I don't feel complete yet. But with things getting more expensive, we would have to move to accommodate another child, these sleepless nights are so hard, it's ridiculous to even consider another one. When did you feel done? And if you didn't feel done but stopped anyway, did you get over it? I'm finding myself crying at all my baby's firsts because they're my lasts instead of enjoying them.

SoiledMyselfDuringSomeTurbulence · 30/10/2024 11:11

Your baby is 4 months old, so you're not even over the birth yet. Tell yourself you're going to park the issue and return to it in a year.

RampantIvy · 30/10/2024 13:10

You're not even at the school age yet to understand the demands of that, never mind the teen years.
As someone whose children are a little older can I just mention that you're on the relatively easy bit?

I agree with @pecanroll and @Isonthecase

It's no coincidence that posts like this are nearly always from mothers of children of aged primary and under.

@Soitis83 During the primary school years you will be running yourself ragged running this child or that child to and from after school activities, playdates and birthday parties. Then there is the expense of school uniforms, school trips, requests from school for monetary donations and gifts for fundraising activities.

Then secondary school - supporting your DC to do their homework, being a shoulder to cry on when their best friend isn't talking to them any more, potentially bullying, GCSE stress x 4. A level stress x 4, UCAS x 4, the expense of providing enough technology for them to do homework (4 laptops, 4 mobile phones), then the biggest expense of them all - topping up student loans when they are at university.

You can afford 4 children at this age. Do you think that you could afford four teenagers?

Also, the drudgery. All the cooking, washing and cleaning. Even if your hsband pulls his weight it is a lot of work.

Never underestimate how hard it is to parent even the easiest of teenagers. They need you far more on an emotional level than small children where a simple hug and a kiss makes them feel better.

you never regret the children you have

Actually, that's not true. It's a taboo subject, but there have been several threads on mumsnet from posters who would disagree with you.

I love raising children. Not a hobby by any means, a life goal for me personally.

I hope that isn't the only goal you have in life. There must be other worthwhile things you want to do?

I'm out the other side, but I found the primary school years the easiet, and the secondary school years the hardest. There is no way I would have wanted to endure that 4 times.

Can I suggest that you read the following topics to get an idea of what can lie ahead before you make any rash decisions:

Teenagers
Secondary education
Further education
Higher education

Also, you haven't mentioned what your DH thinks. Does he even want any more children?

JaneFondue · 30/10/2024 13:16

RampantIvy · 30/10/2024 13:10

You're not even at the school age yet to understand the demands of that, never mind the teen years.
As someone whose children are a little older can I just mention that you're on the relatively easy bit?

I agree with @pecanroll and @Isonthecase

It's no coincidence that posts like this are nearly always from mothers of children of aged primary and under.

@Soitis83 During the primary school years you will be running yourself ragged running this child or that child to and from after school activities, playdates and birthday parties. Then there is the expense of school uniforms, school trips, requests from school for monetary donations and gifts for fundraising activities.

Then secondary school - supporting your DC to do their homework, being a shoulder to cry on when their best friend isn't talking to them any more, potentially bullying, GCSE stress x 4. A level stress x 4, UCAS x 4, the expense of providing enough technology for them to do homework (4 laptops, 4 mobile phones), then the biggest expense of them all - topping up student loans when they are at university.

You can afford 4 children at this age. Do you think that you could afford four teenagers?

Also, the drudgery. All the cooking, washing and cleaning. Even if your hsband pulls his weight it is a lot of work.

Never underestimate how hard it is to parent even the easiest of teenagers. They need you far more on an emotional level than small children where a simple hug and a kiss makes them feel better.

you never regret the children you have

Actually, that's not true. It's a taboo subject, but there have been several threads on mumsnet from posters who would disagree with you.

I love raising children. Not a hobby by any means, a life goal for me personally.

I hope that isn't the only goal you have in life. There must be other worthwhile things you want to do?

I'm out the other side, but I found the primary school years the easiet, and the secondary school years the hardest. There is no way I would have wanted to endure that 4 times.

Can I suggest that you read the following topics to get an idea of what can lie ahead before you make any rash decisions:

Teenagers
Secondary education
Further education
Higher education

Also, you haven't mentioned what your DH thinks. Does he even want any more children?

It's always mums of primary school kids who have no idea what waits for them in the teenager phase and later uni if they want to go.

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:16

pecanroll · 30/10/2024 10:48

That's the thing, you never regret the children you have only the ones you don't have. I don't want to get old and regret not going for one more.

But yet again you're centring this entirely around you, what do you think is genuinely best for your children? I find it mind bobbling just how narrow minded you're being, when I was weighing up a 3rd my 2 children were front and centre of my thought process, you're coming across extremely me, me, me.

How would my children suffer from having another sibling? The reason is coming across as me me me is because it's not a decision for my children. It's for me and my DH. My children benefit from having another sibling. My two older ones get on so well and they're both adorable with my youngest. None of them would have to go without anything if we added an extra child.
Also, I wouldn't even consider it for at least a year or two.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:20

RampantIvy · 30/10/2024 13:10

You're not even at the school age yet to understand the demands of that, never mind the teen years.
As someone whose children are a little older can I just mention that you're on the relatively easy bit?

I agree with @pecanroll and @Isonthecase

It's no coincidence that posts like this are nearly always from mothers of children of aged primary and under.

@Soitis83 During the primary school years you will be running yourself ragged running this child or that child to and from after school activities, playdates and birthday parties. Then there is the expense of school uniforms, school trips, requests from school for monetary donations and gifts for fundraising activities.

Then secondary school - supporting your DC to do their homework, being a shoulder to cry on when their best friend isn't talking to them any more, potentially bullying, GCSE stress x 4. A level stress x 4, UCAS x 4, the expense of providing enough technology for them to do homework (4 laptops, 4 mobile phones), then the biggest expense of them all - topping up student loans when they are at university.

You can afford 4 children at this age. Do you think that you could afford four teenagers?

Also, the drudgery. All the cooking, washing and cleaning. Even if your hsband pulls his weight it is a lot of work.

Never underestimate how hard it is to parent even the easiest of teenagers. They need you far more on an emotional level than small children where a simple hug and a kiss makes them feel better.

you never regret the children you have

Actually, that's not true. It's a taboo subject, but there have been several threads on mumsnet from posters who would disagree with you.

I love raising children. Not a hobby by any means, a life goal for me personally.

I hope that isn't the only goal you have in life. There must be other worthwhile things you want to do?

I'm out the other side, but I found the primary school years the easiet, and the secondary school years the hardest. There is no way I would have wanted to endure that 4 times.

Can I suggest that you read the following topics to get an idea of what can lie ahead before you make any rash decisions:

Teenagers
Secondary education
Further education
Higher education

Also, you haven't mentioned what your DH thinks. Does he even want any more children?

Yes we could afford it because I'll be back at work.
Yes my husband helps out a lot and would love another child.
Of course there are exceptions that regret their children, sadly, but I am absolutely not one of them and never would be.
I have a decent career I can go back to whenever I want. Is it my only goal in like to have children? I didn't say that either. I said A life goal.

OP posts:

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:23

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:16

How would my children suffer from having another sibling? The reason is coming across as me me me is because it's not a decision for my children. It's for me and my DH. My children benefit from having another sibling. My two older ones get on so well and they're both adorable with my youngest. None of them would have to go without anything if we added an extra child.
Also, I wouldn't even consider it for at least a year or two.

Show quote history

you say they wouldnt have to go without, so clearly you have plenty of money, but what about time? Does each child get one-one-one time with parents? Will each child get to attend the sports and clubs they are interested in? What if one child excels at a sport and needs to be doing it daily, can you facilitate that with four? What happens to the other three when one has training?

my dd is at her sport three times a week atm. And really she needs to be there more when competing. Ds is also at his three times a week. If we had another two children, they couldnt do that. They would go without. Not because of funds, but because of logistics.

the people i know who made decisions to keep having children because they ‘didnt feel done’ have children who dont do much outside of the home. And with one family of many kids the older ones are very hands on, rather than being teens. They do miss out. They get presents, there are consoles galore, screen time aplenty, but not much in the line of hobbies, sports or quality time.

and waiting a couple of years means the age gap gets worse. Can you really stimulate and add age appropriate cultural experiences and value to a toddler at the same time as a 9 year old?

RomeoRivers · 30/10/2024 13:26

When it comes to kids, I think more is more! 😊

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:27

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:23

you say they wouldnt have to go without, so clearly you have plenty of money, but what about time? Does each child get one-one-one time with parents? Will each child get to attend the sports and clubs they are interested in? What if one child excels at a sport and needs to be doing it daily, can you facilitate that with four? What happens to the other three when one has training?

my dd is at her sport three times a week atm. And really she needs to be there more when competing. Ds is also at his three times a week. If we had another two children, they couldnt do that. They would go without. Not because of funds, but because of logistics.

the people i know who made decisions to keep having children because they ‘didnt feel done’ have children who dont do much outside of the home. And with one family of many kids the older ones are very hands on, rather than being teens. They do miss out. They get presents, there are consoles galore, screen time aplenty, but not much in the line of hobbies, sports or quality time.

and waiting a couple of years means the age gap gets worse. Can you really stimulate and add age appropriate cultural experiences and value to a toddler at the same time as a 9 year old?

Edited

Show quote history

They do because my oldest is at school and middle does a few nursery sessions so I get some one on one time with the baby when they're away. When the baby is sleeping and oldest is at school and middle isn't at nursery we get to have lots of quality time. When they're all together like now in the half term, we all play together. Plus I have family who love my children and come spend time with them or we go there. I'm a big advocate for if you have children, don't let the telly or ipads raise them.
But this thread was more asking, does this feeling go? Because mainly the reason I wouldn't want another one is because pregnancy is rough, labour is rough.

OP posts:

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:28

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:20

Yes we could afford it because I'll be back at work.
Yes my husband helps out a lot and would love another child.
Of course there are exceptions that regret their children, sadly, but I am absolutely not one of them and never would be.
I have a decent career I can go back to whenever I want. Is it my only goal in like to have children? I didn't say that either. I said A life goal.

Show quote history

Yes we could afford it because I'll be back at work.
So who will be doing the supervising of homework for four children? After school sports and clubs? Conversations with each child about their day?

your husband helps out? He doesnt equally parent at the moment? Just helps you?

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:28

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:27

They do because my oldest is at school and middle does a few nursery sessions so I get some one on one time with the baby when they're away. When the baby is sleeping and oldest is at school and middle isn't at nursery we get to have lots of quality time. When they're all together like now in the half term, we all play together. Plus I have family who love my children and come spend time with them or we go there. I'm a big advocate for if you have children, don't let the telly or ipads raise them.
But this thread was more asking, does this feeling go? Because mainly the reason I wouldn't want another one is because pregnancy is rough, labour is rough.

Show quote history

The feeling does go. Wait it out.

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:30

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:28

Yes we could afford it because I'll be back at work.
So who will be doing the supervising of homework for four children? After school sports and clubs? Conversations with each child about their day?

your husband helps out? He doesnt equally parent at the moment? Just helps you?

Show quote history

Me, because my line of work means I can choose my own hours.
Equally no, because he's away with work a lot. When he's home? Absolutely

OP posts:

5475878237NC · 30/10/2024 13:31

Do you have your own identity? As a mother and as a XYZ? Your posts are coming across like babies are filling a void in you. Maybe consider therapy to explore if this isn't just PND and a reaction to be alone a lot with three little ones, and reconnect with your values and wishes so whatever you decide you're doing it from a healthy place.

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:31

Wolframandhart · 30/10/2024 13:28

The feeling does go. Wait it out.

Show quote history

Have you had similar feelings? I will definitely be waiting it out as I'm still not over the trauma of my last pregnancy

OP posts:

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:32

5475878237NC · 30/10/2024 13:31

Do you have your own identity? As a mother and as a XYZ? Your posts are coming across like babies are filling a void in you. Maybe consider therapy to explore if this isn't just PND and a reaction to be alone a lot with three little ones, and reconnect with your values and wishes so whatever you decide you're doing it from a healthy place.

I definitely do. But I think you're on to something about filling a void. I do have a lot of trauma I could probably do with dealing with

OP posts:

5475878237NC · 30/10/2024 14:24

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 13:32

I definitely do. But I think you're on to something about filling a void. I do have a lot of trauma I could probably do with dealing with

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I'm sorry you've had a lot of trauma. Maybe therapy might really help you. Then you can decide to have more babies or not later on. You should be able to access perinatal mental health with such a little one. Good luck to you.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/10/2024 14:33

I had five in seven years (all singles). It was lovely when they were all small, toddling about together, and I didn't have to worry about entertaining them. The problems came when they were older and the eldest didn't want to do the 'boring' stuff that the youngest wanted to do and the youngest wasn't able to do what the eldest wanted - and I got pulled in every direction at once. Plus the tween-and-teen fighting and arguing was off the scale.

I'd say let your hormones settle down for a bit. You might find that you bed into the family you already have, and it might well get a bit harder as they get older anyway.

SoDemure · 30/10/2024 14:34

Could you afford to support all 4 through university if that's what they wanted to pursue?

IVFmumoftwo · 30/10/2024 14:38

The parents of big families always say the kids don't mind another sibling but if you were to ask, for example, the Radford kids I am sure they will say differently.

Tootsweets84 · 30/10/2024 14:50

I have 4, with bigger gaps though so probably less stressful in some ways. I didn't feel done after number 3 and waited 5 years for the feeling to go away before giving in and having my 4th. I'm definitely done now and our family feels complete. I have no regrets and love having a larger than average family. Generally speaking, 4 doesn't feel too different to 3, but it does come with some adjustments: We had to buy a people carrier because a standard 7 seater doesn't comfortably fit all the car seats, buggies and luggage a large family needs, travel is a lot more expensive and logistically can be a headache, hotel family rooms are often set up for 2-3 child families, rarely 4 and everything is just more expensive! We are also upsizing our house because they all get to an age where they just need more space and privacy. We just adjusted our expectations and found alternatives where needed.
Knowing mumsnet you'll mostly get replies telling you not to do it. I'll go against the grain and say that if you think you can cope financially, physically and mentally and you know in your heart that you're not done then go for it.

Newsenmum · 30/10/2024 16:43

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 09:16

I'm a very capable mum. Also, my mum had 4, me being the youngest. Never did I feel like she took time away from me for the others, neither did any of my siblings.

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I actually agree with this. Some people can (and should) only have one, others do very well with 4. Some people love being part of a bigger family and each sibling brings something for them. One example I can think of is a friend who is one of 4 and all siblings are 4 years apart.

AutumnLeaves24 · 30/10/2024 16:50

anicecuppateaa · 29/10/2024 21:47

Totally understand - although it may be the hormones talking. I also have 3 under 5 and just found out I am pregnant, although DH doesn’t want to continue with the pregnancy. I would love to have 4 and know I would be done then. It’s a hard feeling to articulate.

@anicecuppateaa Then he should have done something about that BEFORE he got you pregnant, not expect you to have an abortion of a child you'd happily have.

HamptonPlace · 30/10/2024 16:53

3 is the magic number! i don't think theurge to have more children(for women not men so much) doesn't really go away for while the possibility is there- evolution etc... but you sounds like you have a lovely family.. good luck :)

Pistachiochiochio · 30/10/2024 16:54

Why do you feel the need to decide now?

Why not wait a year?

K0OLA1D · 30/10/2024 16:56

I can't relate as I knew i was done and soon as DS2 was handed to me for the first time!

Original poster

Soitis83 · 30/10/2024 18:20

HamptonPlace · 30/10/2024 16:53

3 is the magic number! i don't think theurge to have more children(for women not men so much) doesn't really go away for while the possibility is there- evolution etc... but you sounds like you have a lovely family.. good luck :)

That's sweet, thank you. We have our issues (who doesn't), but honestly my family to me is just perfect.

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