Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

Honestly OP you have done nothing wrong. This ' friend' is for some reason not including you in things you ought to be included in. This is her issue not yours. Lick your wounds and don't think of her as a friend in the future. Oh and say happy birthday by text - late ( my petty opinion ) . There are lots of people who will happily reciprocate your efforts in the future - don't waste effort on people who won't .

Our experiences sound very similar. When I read your post I want to say this is no friendship! It’s nothing even close. And then I need to apply it to my own situation. She isn’t a friend at all either. Friends don’t behave like this. The biggest question is why we put up with it even after the first/second time? Such disrespect.

I feel angry for you tbh.

I agree .

You're still missing the point - she doesn't want those things from you. Come on, haven't you ever complained to someone about your DH or your friends? Complaining doesn't mean someone wants you do do something about it - sometimes you're just supposed to listen and sympathise. Friendship is figuring out what your friend really wants of you specifically.

We put up with it as we are nice kind genuine people who only ever want the best for our friends. And we don’t want to think of them all sad on their birthdays with no flowers or gifts.

And thank you I feel angry about it too but I’m trying to just stay calm and not let it bother me. It’s been that bad on SM that another friend our age from school, well for me an acquaintance I went to school with, had even noticed and has messaged me many times to check I’m ok. So we now check in on each other to see how we are doing instead, at least there’s one kind soul out there.

I didn’t meet with her because I felt uncomfortable after the party incident, she has tried repeatedly to organise a date to be fair to her, but it feels too little, too late.
I don’t know her reasons for trying to repair this friendship, it could be self serving (very likely) or concern about her reputation, or guilt. Who knows?
The point is that I don’t want to be friends any longer. It’s made me feel miserable. It is not the right friendship for me. I fully expect her to ask about Christmas next.

Of course she has.

I saw her friends at a drinks party, the pub and coffee shop etc. just out and about. I’m not meeting up with them. They are just there.

This is the first year.

I think you are wrong it depends on the friends character. My said ex friend complains to me in the same way because yes she does certainly want me to do something about it as that’s what she thinks I’m here for. She thinks I’m here to provide gifts and cards always (I see with hindsight she always has done this to me) that other people don’t do and to be a shoulder to cry on whereas the other friends are for partying and amazing days out. Think holidays, concerts, festivals.

I was told in tears on the phone that her kids, her ex husband and her DP at the time had all forgotten her on Mother’s Day one time. I had had a terrible day myself, which she never even knew about as it was all about her, so as she was in a right state I sent her some little gifts from me which she said she loved.

At that time I was having a couple of year break from SM. Then I realised through a comment months later from someone else that maybe what I was told wasn’t even true….I checked all her old SM posts and yes there on Mother’s Day was really photos of the special day out, the meal, the card and the flowers from the DP etc.

So I was completely lied to to get extra gifts. And some of our friends characters mean they ‘play us’ for gifts, money, treats things that make themselves feel better. Unless you’ve had a friend like it it’s hard to explain.

@renoleno I am really puzzled by your argument. If the Op's friend doesn't really want the level of attention, gifts, whatever from her why has she accepted it all these years? Why didn't she say "you don't need to treat me on my birthday, I'm just having a moan about my husband/friends, here, take it back?" I don't agree it's obvious.

People pleasers give too much, agreed, but the recipients are never too shy to take too much.

I don't think that definition of friendship is correct at all. "Figuring out what your friend really wants of you specifically" sounds like ridiculously hard work for something that is supposed to be mutually enjoyable. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who requires this level of indulgence, and don't think the OP has done anything wrong at all.

OP, you sound lovely and you've been badly let down by someone too self absorbed to see what they were losing. If you really want to, send a generic card with a bright and breezy, non-emotional message. She doesn't deserve your time and effort. Keep it casual, don't meet her and move on with your head help high.

I don't think I'd even send a card. I would treat this and any future birthdays that this particular woman may celebrate with the level of attention to detail that she paid to your milestone birthday.

Definitely do not go all out on any more birthdays for this woman.

I don't think that I'd even acknowledge her birthday and then I'd see if she mentions it to you in a message that you haven't even wished her a happy birthday. If she doesn't reach out to you, you were clearly treating her as a better friend than she was treating you. You had her in your A-List of friends and she probably had you in a C-list (sorry if that's hard to read) but by what you've written, she didn't extend an invite even last minute (you probably would have found a way to get there even last minute) when the celebrations were only getting started.

That's my advice.

I think you said up thread that you often felt demeaned by her much before this, like you weren't the sum of 2 equals? So clearly the friendship has never been equal because close friendship shouldn't demean you.

You also don't like her new friends or how she parties till 7am. Isn't the party just a culimination of both of you growing apart and having different lives?

In combination with the party issue it doesn’t look great for the friendship. As a single incident of missing my birthday, I wouldn’t mind.

You wouldn’t because you’d worry that your friend would think the failure to invite reflected on his perception of how close you are - it would be hurtful regardless so you wouldnt necessarily acknowledge it unless you knew for sure that they knew as you’d rather spare their feelings

I think she will miss you greatly OP for your genuine, kind, thoughtful and consistent friendship.

But I don’t think she will realise that until you aren’t there and I don’t think it’s a reason for you to stay.

You are a good friend and you clearly want (quite rightly) to be appreciated and respected and have your thoughtfulness reciprocated.

For whatever reasons (and we don’t really know although you might be able to guess) this woman can’t/wont be the friend you need.

In itself that is a good enough reason to move on a bit, pull back and spend your time, energy (and cash) on other friendships that bring you joy.

I don’t think you should feel ashamed or like you have lost dignity. I can understand WHY you might but suspect no one else is judging you like that (tbh they all sound too self absorbed to give it much thought! )

You sound a really good person OP. I hope you can move past this and be ok.

oh, and second the bday card, maybe a brief police HBD text, but sverve all suggestions by her to ‘meet for lunch’

My friend has always partied all of her life. Nothing new or different. It’s the same as it was. We have other shared interests and values, or we did. We share the same humour.

Maybe we have grown apart. People do and we are no different, but I always felt we would stay good friends regardless of the bumps of life and changes. We became even closer over the pandemic and we have weathered many life’s difficulties and events. It’s a real shame.