Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

The OP says that she did in her first post.

Although initially sympathetic to this post a cursory scroll though Savingthehedgehog's responses on other threads makes me more curious as to what the 'friend's' side of the story would be.

i was right from the outset

and the detail doesn’t make sense. One minute friends were invited and wondered where the op was. The next it was mutual acquaintances who are all party animals and really nasty to the friend.

Oh and for me the cherry on the cake was the OP saying her friend won’t get any presents or cards because the Op won’t be giving her anything 😆

oh and the idea that this community will all be gossiping about the friend losing another friend. When it’s been a year they haven’t seen each other and…. gasp… no drama

the friend has made half arsed attempts to meet up over the last year

and the OP seems to think her not buying the friend is going to result in no gifts, no celebration and the friend left only with nasty people who talk terribly to her

which clearly… doesn’t look like it’s been the case for the last year. She even went on holiday with a mutual friend in that time!

How hurtful for you. She didn't invite you, and then didn't buy a gift for your birthday. I would probably do a card but no more . X

I will definitely send her a card.
She sent me a text to say she really missed me and a photo of us at a fundraising event at a favourite place of ours. It’s left me worrying her dh did finally make some effort and invited people haphazardly for the evening.

Its made me reconsider the guest list now and it was a little random.
I think it might be best to keep the door ajar.

Thank you for your lovely posts. It has been really good to talk it through.

So she manages to keep you hooked even though she has been (and it isn't just me saying this) quite rude to you.

Ok then. It's entirely your choice but I would have used this opportunity to put a little distance between you.

I’m keeping the distance by sending a card? It’s very hard to know exactly why this has happened tbh.

@Savingthehedgehogs might she have read this thread?

she had a party
she didn’t invite the op but instead voted close friends, hobby friends and family

she has t seen the op for a year and has made a few feeble attempts to get together

it doesn’t sound like this person regards the Op as someone important in her life. A year is a long time to go without seeing one another when you live on each other’s door step

Im sorry your feeling this way.
However it seems quite obvious that you’re not as close as you thought. I’d walk away tbh, stop thinking about her and certainly don’t send a card or gift.
If her apology was sincere and she wanted to rebuild your bond, she’d have remembered your birthday with a bang.
Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to hear it xx

Yes she not as invested in the friendship. I stop trying with these people op. It hurts though as you say

Not really - you're maintaining a connection when she doesn't see you as a good enough friend to invite you or make a genuine apology to you and take the time out of her oh so busy day to meet with you so that she could at the very least explain what the hell happened.

There is an easy way to find out why this has happened - call her out on it. Ask her what the hell happened, that you thought you were close friends and that you were very hurt that you saw the flowers you had delivered in a photograph but that you yourself were not included in the list of invitees and you would like to know why. Your number must be in her mobile phone and in her recent calls/texts etc. so why weren't you included. That's how you find out exactly why this has happened and that you will find out also whether she and her husband/partner hold you as a good friend or more like an acquaintance.

Yes, keep the door ajar so she can behave inconsiderately, hurtfully and thoughtlessly again.

What a good idea.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

See you next year, op, when the same thing or similar happens again.

I think you are right about that, and the text saying we must celebrate on my birthday was not good enough. Given the situation, she should have made more effort not less.

She is a very proud person and has never apologised to anyone in all the time I have known her. So any apology was surprising as she never offers them.

i won’t be sending texts or gifts and I am reconsidering the card at this point too. Reading these messages and detecting the exasperation - maybe even a card is too much?

I just wanted to leave it nicely, in a good place without hard feelings. It’s a small place where we live, and I can do without an atmosphere.

I sincerely hope not! It was a particularly emotive text from her. Not really her style.

I did call her out in person and directly.

She said she had no idea anything was planned, her dh had invited a few old school friends and her tennis group for some celebratory drinks as a surprise. It wasn’t a party and she still hoped to have one later in the year. A few family menbers had dropped in with gifts, and her adult kids were visiting.

This was her explanation to me. I told her I felt hurt not to be included, and she understood and blamed her dh and his terrible organisation skills.

Wishing her HB on her FB page is public and the least effort.

Honestly don’t even bother with a card. She’s not worth it.

Send her a card & say you'll be in touch to arrange a lunch sometime then leave it at that. If she messages you after that then do what feels right for you. Either go to lunch & try & forget what's happened or distance yourself & remain close to friends that reciprocate your friendship in ways that matter.

I think once Im let down thats it. I dont really re arrange it. But if you see her locally you prob right keep it pleasant. I wouldnt send card I prob leave it at text

Is it not possible she is telling the truth about why you weren’t invited?

But I think it is fine to cool the friendship if you want.

However, I disagree with the comments saying she is a horrid person. Even if the explanation truly is that she does not like the OP as much as OP likes her, it’s not a crime.

Shes just messing with your head.
She doesn't care,she sent that to reel you back in,don't fall for it.
Walk away,head held high.

I had a friend who did this. Only it wasn't a bday party, it was finding out from a friend that she was engaged and then finding out from another friend about a hen party I appeared not to be invited to.

I had always been someone who dropped everything to help her out, through her divorce, the break up of the subsequent relationship, issues with her kids, last minute baby sitting, being a 'time filler' for her (ie free for a glass of wine? Yes ok..meet you at XYZ...she'd turn up and glug a glass and say bye, off to my surf lesson/pedicure/dance lesson..)

So the final straw was the hen party. I literally cut her dead. It hurt me so much. She had killed any friendship/love. And no, I don't miss her at all. This happened 4 years ago. She still messages me at Xmas or bday but I just ignore. I've seen her once in a social setting and other than a polite hello, I ignored her.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You can’t help how you feel and I think I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. I think for this year I would just send her a generic card just “dear so and so” whatever it says in the card “best wishes” and then your name and leave it at that, I would also down scale the relationship and have less contact us. I think you’re doing anyway as she clearly has other priorities.