Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

As a recovering people pleaser I learned too late that this is a waste of time.
90% of people will just take. Use you and dump when you no longer suit them.
The other 10%.. well, if they valued you as a human being, they don't care about how generous your parties or presents are.
It's a hard lesson. Sad. But true.

Why would you wish her or send her a text or a card?? She's not going to notice or care that you didn't - that's the point. All this worrying and caring is only in your head. Of all the texts, cards, gifts she is looking forward to receiving and would worry if she didn't, you are not one of them. This level of needing to be liked/people pleasing is ridiculous.

Your friendship will remain exactly the same even if you send her no acknowledgement of her birthday. At least this way you'll maintain some self respect and reserve your time and effort for people who do care about you. There are no prizes for being martyred - she'll only be confused as to why you're still bothering, and will likely feel relief if you take the hint and back off. So she doesn't feel bad for not encouraging the friendship.

Sorry to be hard, but this martyred existence is not doing you any favours.

You will be a people pleaser if you send her a card. Send her a text and late in the day too.
Do what she did to you, in the same way.
Might be petty, but why do you sit here hurting over this when she had a fabulous party and didn't give a shit about you. The audacity of using your flowers and then lying about her dh organising it as if you're stupid on top of that.

I am mot sure it was ever the friendship I thought it was. Or that she was the person I thought she was. She is definitely not a person with any integrity, so maybe it was for the best.

Maybe the gaps and differences were much bigger than I realised, and our idea of friendship. She can have the kind of friends she wants going forward whatever their current purpose, and I can have genuine friendships with decent friends that would not dream of screwing me over or taking my generosity for granted.

You asked about dignity.

When someone humiliates you in front of everyone and has a big laugh (party) doing so, you don't reward them with a gift, card, text. Save your dignity and cut them off.

Well, there you go. You’re a people-pleaser. She knew she could get away with not inviting you if she didn’t want to (for whatever reason) because she knew you would blame yourself for not being an interesting enough friend to merit an invitation, not her. Other people would have made a scene. Let that be a lesson — if you don’t respect yourself, no one else is going to. Dashing desperately around after someone who mistreats you begging ‘Pick me! Like me! Accept me!’ is never going to get you anywhere. If you’re seen as a soft touch, people can behave badly to you in the sure knowledge you’re not going to protest. Look at what you’re doing now, contemplating sending her a card and present! (Don’t, obviously.)

Someone once said to me
'How someone behaves says everything about them and nothing about you'

A decent person will be kind and respectful to most people, a less decent person will appear to be nice when it benefits them. Or sometimes someone is snappy because they have had a bad day rather than it being because of you.
Your 'friends' behaviour reflects who they are as a person rather than it saying anything about you. So you have no need to be embarrassed

Very hurtful op - just send a card

I would even say that my real friends actively don’t want me to do these things, and tell me to sit down! They would rather I took care of myself, time and money because they actually want the best for me and care about me. It’s nothing like that with her.

Sorry just read a bit more of the back story - don't eben send a card

Tbf to her, she hasn't asked you for this level of effort or involvement for her birthday. You went all out because you saw the friendship as a lot closer than she did. You can see someone regularly but not consider them a close friend - I have friends at work i see everyday, more than my best friend I see every 6 months. My work friends would not be invited to a party even though i know them well. If you look back she has probably been giving subtle hints for a long time that the friendship is more casual than you think, but maybe you've focused more on how good you feel doing a grand gesture rather than how she feels/what she wants of you. It can feel suffocating sometimes to be the recepient of a lot of attention, not saying that you are but not being invited to a party is a pretty big indicator of someone not wanting you around. Yet you're still obsessing over sending her a card and not taking the hint and almost guilting her into reciprocating. I realise this sounds harsh, but people pleasing can sometimes be more about how you feel doing it rather than the other person's feelings.

The whole point of my considered gifts were to make up for the lack of gifts she is given. Her dh largely forgets, her other friends don’t care to make an effort, and her dc are typical teens and don’t reliably remember. Far from having swathes of gifts and cards, she is likely to have nothing at all this year. I don’t see how it is martyrdom to give a friend a gift, obviously it might be if I continued after this.

My very good friend of 45 years did this to me and l feel exactly the same .
I actually addressed it and said l think it's time we stopped buying presents now.
She didn't want to but l was adamant . i wasn't going to be open to that hurt again

Sorry OP, it's a horrible feeling, being left out & lied to. As others have suggested, I don't think she perhaps values your friendship as much. I'd pull back. I'd not send a gift or a card. Just send a generic happy birthday text. She has made her feeling towards you pretty clear.

Jesus, this response is exactly what I meant. You just assumed that she is lonely/doesn't get gifts/no one makes an effort and you would be riding in on a shining horse to save her. Did it ever occur to you that she doesn't need or want that from you? That maybe she is happy with her marriage, and doesn't need or want friends to make a fuss. And just because you think presents and parties are important, doesn't mean she does? This is exactly why you weren't invited - you think you're doing her a favour by ascribing your own needs and wants on her. This isn't friendship, it's a saviour complex that makes you feel like a good person, and she's the bad person. Actually she's just different and what you're giving her she doesn't want. It's like men you date who pay for all your dates and then get indignant that you don't want to see them again, thinking they did you a favour because who else would take you on dates.

People pleasers on the whole do not feel good enough as they are, so they tend to make up this by over giving, over delivering and trying to be a ‘perfect’ friend. It’s how they secure relationships.
of course it served it’s own purpose - securing friendships . Or it is supposed to.

I am not sure why is asking continuously to meet up if she is so keen to end the friendship. Why not just leave it? I don’t think she would bother to try and salvage it, she is far from a shrinking violet and only does what she wants to do.

This is reading too much into it IMO
Regardless of the reasons behind OPs gift giving. She took a lot of effort
Friend responded by lying to her face.

Your comments are relevant if OP is asking tit for tat... Asking for a big generous gift in return.

No she's just asking for some honesty and basic respect.

I think you are projecting a little. She is constantly upset with her dh and talks openly about the lack of effort by everyone else. She has often said how much it means to her to get flowers. That it’s cheered her up, she has been in tears before now because it’s lunch time and no one has called.

Don’t send the text until 11.55pm

You are a people pleaser like me. I have been treated just as disgustingly by someone I thought was my lifelong best friend, since school. We are also in our 50s like you too. If I didn’t know better I’d say it’s the same friend even as the behaviour is just the same.

This said best friend has done one thing after another after another of thoughtless horrible things toward me in the last few years. I am now trying to move on with my life without them in it , but after 30plus years of friendship it’s very hard and I do end up in tears at times. I have felt utterly snubbed, embarrassed and it’s been demeaning. I deserve better than that so I have held my head up high and tried to carry on with my dignity intact.

But when I’ve been tagged in her SM photos of her birthday celebrations with approx eighty guests and my gifts are centrestage in the photos BUT I wasn’t even invited it stings. Last Christmas I sent a card and a gift like and I wasn’t even sent a card.

This year on friends birthday I had a huge chat with her as she was upset and complaining about everyone forgetting and getting nothing from anyone (apart from me)….and then come the weekend there’s once again all the photos on SM of an amazing party. My birthday was earlier in the year and I literally spent it alone.

Then I went back home in the summer, I live a few hours away, for a weekend and she came to see me. It was supposed to be a romantic break with my DP as my friend knew but she contacted me and asked if we could spend a whole day together belated birthday treat so I agreed. It was so strange as she didn’t arrive for hours and then refused to go anywhere at all with me not even for a coffee. She chatted about herself for about three hours, all the bad things in her life. I was feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable as not sure how to handle it. She was getting SM updates alerts every few seconds and then suddenly she had to go and left. And I’ve not heard from her since.

You've said you haven't met up and don't message much anymore. So she's not banging down your door insisting on a meet up, not even on your birthday. That's your hint. She asked to meet up for the same reason someone can dump you and offer to be friends - it's the polite thing to do and they feel bad. Doesn't mean they want to (and they hope you'll say no) but of course there's a level of care. So either be happy with a casual friendship like she wants or let the friendship go completely.

I totally get where u r coming from OP; it is the deceit that hurts. I don't believe that this friendship can recover. If I were you, I'd send a birthday card but that's it. Take care and treat YOURSELF to a present

I'll join your people-pleasers anonymous group 😆 . I ended up gradually distancing myself from my friend, in a similar situation. She was my best friend, but it turns out I was just a friend to her when it suited her. I didn't confront. I wrote several letters, never sent them though. I concentrated on downgrading the friendship so that I could still enjoy seeing her if/whenever (which I have a few times since), but now put no effort in. No gifts. No cards. Just a text. I'm don't invite her to things anymore. But kept it pleasant. Took a few years to get used to this to be honest, but I have now. Made a new close friend since.

I move on now as otherwise it sounds desperate to be friends.. hard when trust gone. Wouldnt post cards either. Think I be casual how she is

Only through crappy friendships I learnt this!