Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

It's so so hurtful. But she's sent a very clear if extremely sad for you message that you don't matter to her in the way she does to you. I'd do a card or a text & leave it there. I wouldn't make any further contact.
Don't let yourself be Walked over. You brought it up which was her opportunity to tell you if you had inadvertently hurt her. She bullshitted her way through it.

Walk away x

OP I had similar. Friends of a few years, 2 I was particularly close to. One hurt me, we talked about it but coupled with MH issues on my part I had to distance myself. Made it clear I was struggling, but she clearly took offence.
Other friend had a big event she said I’d be invited to - couple of weeks before she started ghosting me and I see pics on SM of other friends from friendship group I was once a part of all there. Hurts particularly as I’d leaned on this friend a bit over falling out with other one and she’d made offers of going for coffee to chat etc (which never actually happened).
Like you I was a people pleaser and even though other friend hurt me, I didn’t distance myself completely - would check in if I encountered her looking stressed or if I saw her DC achievement on SM etc
Hugs to you OP, it hurts so much.

how is she with your mutual friends? also user and abuser?

and you say it was only mutual acquaintances at the party and a few mutual old friends. So does that mean other mutual friends along with you also weren’t invited? and the mutual friends didn’t mention the party beforehand once?

and i still can’t get my head around her
family
hobby friends
cluster of close friends

being coke fuelled party animals! Her family??

Ummm you are making a lot of assumptions there 🙂 Coke fuelled party animals?? 🤣 I think we are likely to disappoint in real life tbf!

huh?

You described the party attendees as party animals that stay up until 7am

sorry if misinterpreted as coke

but her hobby friends, your mutual friends and her family are all like this? 😕

Far from having swathes of gifts and cards, she is likely to have nothing at all this year.

simply because you won’t be buying her anything?

oh come on Op. I think you’re maybe thinking you’re a bigger part in her life than reality. She went away on holiday with a mutual friend, she had a party with mutual friends, hobby friends and family. I think she’ll be ok

No she is not as invested in the friendship. Just move on. Not nice behaviour from her

I am glad you feel reassured 🙂

all a bit odd 😆

Well I am glad you are finding it entertaining, even if that’s not the point of the thread.

Or a happy birthday post on fb then everyone can see you haven’t ignored her

The cheapest one in Poundland or card factory with a very boring picture on!

Send a card, no present. That way you don’t look petty but don’t have to make any effort.

@renoleno you're just being nasty - are you the friend?

@ketchuptom if you think that the OP is just making it all up you can report the post instead of troll hunting.

It is odd to come on to a thread and call my village Emmerdale and my friend’s family ‘coke fuelled party animals’! I am afraid we probably don’t live up to his expectations in reality sadly 😄
Anyone can check with MNHQ I have been knocking around here for more years than I would care to admit! 🫡

Op…. i find this situation re you thinking she’s not going to get a single gift just because you don’t buy her anything… a sign that you think you’re much more important in this person’s life than reality. After all… she had a party with family, hobby friends and a cluster of close friends

I don’t think you’re making anything up

You said you didn’t think you were invited to the party because you’re not a party animal up until 7am

and my question was… so her family and hobby friends also like this as well as the nasty new mutual friends (or acquaintances… not sure which as both have been mentioned)

Actually good wishes on FB is clever.
She can't accuse you of ignoring it etc.
A one liner and absolutely nothing else.

The friend didn’t invite the Op
the friend didn’t send a gift or card to OP
the friend and OP haven’t seen each other for a year
the friend has made a few half hearted attempts to meet up

Send a text or FB message, but i really don’t see this woman getting remotely worked up or hurt no matter what the Op does. She clearly has checked out

i was in a similar situation myself once and was upset at the time but now realise she wasn’t as good a friend as I thought she was and written it off to experience. It’s like a relationship break up and does hurt so sending hugs op

i don’t think the op is making up anything!

I wouldn't send anything. I'd just let go and get on with my life. She's already checked out of the relationship. It happens, it's happened to me, and at the time I thought I had to do something to fix it, but today I'm 1000% sure people always know what they're doing. Cycles end, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Did you ask her why you were not invited to the ‘party’?