Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

Thank you for your post. If I can navigate this well then it can be left in a decent place.

I have learnt so much from this thread! Especially that it’s just enough to spend time with real friends and the rest of the stuff is not required.

I would be so hurt by this. I think try and not show that you mind but definitely no presents or flowers. A card if you must and just be breezy about it all.

A friend of mine had a party I wasn’t invited to but she lied about it. It would have been fine if she’d said that it wasn’t possible to invite me but the lying made it feel humiliating. Anyway, I understand your hurt!

Yes we will all survive and have lots of other friends. And we are old enough not to stress about it if we meet socially. It will be fine: she brought a lot to my life, and I will quietly give thanks for that.

I assume the birthday card never made its way to you either. No birthday card for her then.
She didn’t text you on your birthday, did she? No birthday text for her then.

although if you absolutely must get her a card, get one of the 29p cards from Card Factory……and leave the price sticker on. Send it with a second class stamp (she doesn’t deserve first class), preferably the day before her birthday so it doesn’t get there on time. Better still, don’t put a stamp on so that she has to pay a surcharge to collect it from the sorting office.

How did you end the friendship?

I think that was really mean and quite deceitful of her. Not sure if I would want to continue a friendship with somebody who behaved like this. TBH I wouldnt even acknowledge her birthday. If she says anything just say oh sorry it slipped my mind. I've been really busy.

Having read more of your posts, what I would do is invite her to your place to have lunch and a glass or two of wine.

Sit down with her and basically say that you've been struggling to get past something but you just can't. You can't get past sending her a lovely gift that appeared in photographs of a party that she didn't invite you to. You can't get past her saying for weeks that she has/had a gift for your milestone birthday but she has never taken the time to even drop it off without there needing to be a reason to go out and drink. You can't get past that she had a party, one that she said her husband set up but that one of her best confidants (you) wasn't invited to attend - even last minute, that she could have picked up the phone to see if you were available but she didn't and nor did she text you - you've struggled to get past all of this but you just can't so does she have any explanation for any of it as you're not buying the fact that her works away from home husband managed to pull together and organise a party and you weren't on the guest list or even thought about.

Or you could so as someone up thread suggested - send her a birthday card that is filled with glitter so that it will go everywhere when she opens it up. I think boomf.com is a site that you might want to browse if that is an option for you.

She has shown you who she is. Time to move on and don't let her hurt you again.
I wouldn't send a card, just ignore and fade her out.

I read a lot of responses and agree with most, I would send a simple text message. No card or present.

I had a friend do the same thing. These people have no grace about them in how they use people. I ended up cutting ties and chalked it up to experience.

She's used you for emotional support and you're not even good enough for an invite.
Well the next time she needs support,she can ask her party friends for it.

Also just ignore her birthday,she's not worthy of your friendship.

Ouch

I’ve read all of your posts on the thread now and you really do seem so incredibly nice and a lovely friend. I echo what others have said - she’s not deserving of a present any more. Send a card if you feel you’d like her to have one, but don’t feel a shred of guilt if you don’t.

I could have written this myself - I've been through very similar.

I'd send a card and let it fade. Things like this don't just happen by accident.

I've carried on reading sorry for posting before I read the entire thread - a cardinal sin on mumsnet!

Fuck her. No card, either. Just a text.

Thank you for your posts, and sharing your own experiences with me. I feel much better now about it all.

This thread has made me realise I still constantly give too much of myself in relationships and it’s not necessary. It’s better to do less, and feel valued for who I am.

i realised df’s apology was meaningless because it lacked any real emotion or conviction at the time. It felt empty bevause they were in fact empty words. Not from the heart. And beyond a few half hearted texts to organise a lunch she has done nothing to repair our friendship since.

I am cutting my losses!
Life is too short to be used like this, to be the stand in, the substitute. I think I have realised I am worth rather more than that. She hasn’t done anything wrong, I have allowed this to happen.

i am going with the glitter bomb card and a bland message. No text, no gift and no offers of a birthday lunch. The following year will be radio silence. She knows my reasons, so she can’t be surprised when I am no longer in her life.

I’ll spend my future birthdays, occasions and time with people that really love me.

No, a reciprocal gift is not the same as a reciprocal friendship. In hindsight I was mostly listening to her, cheering her on, supporting her ideas etc she was rarely that interested in my life Star.

The dishonesty about the party has made me wonder how often this has happened in the past. Wondering if I ever really knew her. There are other things that have happened which I should have paid attention to.

I don’t know if we have drifted, or complacency has set in, indifference. I am a great friend, a nice person and would rather have people around me that value my time. I won’t be making things too easy for her at future social gatherings put it that way.

It really hurts when you have a wake up call like this. I have a friend of 15 years who did similar to me. It was my birthday, she said she couldnt meet me or see me for it and was really vague about why- fine, then I saw on Facebook she had been tagged out with other mutual friends. Of course then she sent me a flurry of texts apologising.

The stupid thing is- if she had just told me she was meeting them I would have been fine with it, I dont own people, I am very relaxed about this stuff and we could have done my birthday on another day but it was the lying about it that really hurt me. It was like I was being deliberately excluded and it was all kept a big secret. To this day I dont understand it- I am not one to demand to see people so why lie?

I've pulled right back from our friendship and we are more like acquaintances now. Much like you, OP, I have reflected on the friendship and realised that it mainly involved me supporting her. When I think of the rare times I needed support it came in kind of half heartedly and inconsistently, sometimes she'd promise to ring so we could chat and then she just "forgot" etc.

This is after I had supported her through her marriage breakdown and she rang me practically every day for support and chats.

It's quite shocking to look back and realise the extent of which you are being used and it's not easy to see it when you are in it. The birthday thing for me forced me to look at the friendship and was a huge wake up call.

I am glad you've decided to prioritise those who show they care. The true test of authenticity is if someone's words match their actions and that has been my guide ever since. It has never steered me wrong.

People generally prioritise the things they care about.

Why didn’t your ‘friend’ decline the invites and set aside your birthday date? Or at least have the decency to tell you she was prioritising other things on your birthday. You may not have minded, but almost certainly you would have reconsidered how much effort you would put into her special occasions in the future. She wanted to prioritise herself, but didn’t want to deal with the consequences.

These people appear to want the benefits of strong, loving and enduring relationships but without the effort involved.

The old saying don’t make someone a priority when you are just an option.

Action really does speak louder than words.

I have just bought a facial with the money I would have spent on my friend and booked it on her birthday. I will have the treats this year, I can look after my own needs and not give this another thought.

Perhaps the key is to make ourselves a priority and do what we want, stop being such a good friend to everyone else and be a good friend to ourselves first and foremost.

Instead of meeting her I have replaced it with a women’s circle every week where I will meet lots of interesting women and new people instead. How enriching it will be rather than spending two hours fawning and cheer leading, which is most definitely a me problem, and not my friends issue.

@wizzywig the 'friendship' went on for years, it was always lopsided although she seemed enthusiastic because she was single and needed me. She then got remarried and it became clearer and clearer that I wasn't a priority anymore. I was actually relieved because she took a lot from me and we were very different.

I wrote her a letter, very matter of fact about the ways she had taken me for granted and used me. It wasn't aggressive, just honest. I wished her well. She never replied.

I look back and cringe at all the things I did for her. Over the top, over generous and kind of lovesick. It's was a great life lesson. Never again.

@Savingthehedgehogs yes, exactly! I have no idea why she did it, the weird thing is- the people she met up with were not the ones she went crying to when everything in her life went to shit so it made no sense to me.

I genuinely wouldnt have minded doing my birthday on another day, it wasnt a big one and as I say, I am quite relaxed about that stuff but it was specifically the lying that pissed me off. The funny thing is - she is a person who is very forceful about being "treated right" and wont hesitate to cut off people she sees as not being respectful to her so it was mind boggling to me that she did that and extra ironic.

You are spot on - I too am a former people pleaser and I have learnt with age that I should prioritise myself. That is not selfish, it is common sense - you cant pour from an empty cup. A really good book on this topic is "not nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura, it really helped me untangle my need to please others and helped me realise that this strategy doesnt actually work anyway!

Enjoy the facial and I hope you have a wonderful time in the women's circle. There are good friends out there and I am sure you will find them because you seem like a very caring, authentic person x

e. I won’t be making things tooeasy for her at future social gatherings put it that way.

what do you mean? She is unlikely to be making a bee line for you or wanting to spend the evening with you given your non invite to her party and then her half hearted attempts over the past year to get together with you. You haven’t seen each other for a year. So surely just a smile across the room and a wave sort of thing?

i am surprised by how easily you’ve now read that the past 15 years have been you putting in the effort and her using you

surely you’ve enjoyed many close times together where she has been a good friend for this to have lasted so long? or has it really been pretty much 15 years of you being used?

Do you live close to one another?