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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends birthday issue

400 replies

Savingthehedgehogs · 29/10/2024 16:57

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

OP posts:
Shouldideletethat · 30/10/2024 08:30

This is not the same situation as nothing to do with my birthday but I have had quite a few friends who have picked me up and dropped me when they feel like it and it sounds like this is happening to you. My circle is smaller now but the best thing I ever did was let them take themselves out. I stopped making an effort and never heard from 2 friends again as they only wanted to be friends when they had a crisis or needed support. I'm currently going through a bit of a friendship breakup with someone I thought was my best friend but constantly made me feel bad and that nothing I ever did was good enough. I have recently started putting myself first and we now hardly talk as she's not used to me standing up for myself and having some boundaries. It sounds like your friend thought you'd just accept the lack of effort and not saying anything so is probably shocked you've stood up for yourself.

My point here is that her actions aren't a reflection on you, I think some of us people pleasers end up in friendships with people who just want to serve their own needs and you come as an afterthought. It can be hard to understand why they do it as we never would but honestly my life is so much calmer without these kind of people being in the centre of it even if I do have less friends now. You don't need someone like her.

fairydolphin · 30/10/2024 08:32

@ThisPlumHelper I'm not the OP but sometimes this stuff can be subtle. It's not that the friend is completely vile to you for years and you just put up with it- thats really not how it goes down.

What happens is that you put in the effort and they put in some effort but then it slowly dawns on you that there is an imbalance. You show up every time they need you but they only do it sometimes, but every time you do meet up you have fun together and so the nagging doubts get pushed aside and when their actions dont match their words they may apologise and so you give them the benefit of the doubt. But, then it happens again, and again until you cant ignore it any more and it culminates in an event as the OP had described.

Original poster
Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 08:34

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:23

e. I won’t be making things tooeasy for her at future social gatherings put it that way.

what do you mean? She is unlikely to be making a bee line for you or wanting to spend the evening with you given your non invite to her party and then her half hearted attempts over the past year to get together with you. You haven’t seen each other for a year. So surely just a smile across the room and a wave sort of thing?

I actually think she might not be as comfortable as you seem to think, because she seems to care very much about what other people think even if she doesn’t care for other peoples feelings. It won’t be a good look for her that she has lost another friend put it that way (it’s a smallish community) and we live around 7 mins away from each other.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 30/10/2024 08:35

I think what you also need to take from this - and it hurts - is that she just doesn't care.

So any effort from you should be absolutely minimal. In fact, even a wave and smile across the room at a party seems too much for someone who really doesn't give a stuff.

Don't spend any more time thinking about what you will and won't do. No more headspace.

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:36

you live 7 mins apart and haven’t seen each other all year?
i think this will very easily and organically just fizzle out

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:37

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 08:34

I actually think she might not be as comfortable as you seem to think, because she seems to care very much about what other people think even if she doesn’t care for other peoples feelings. It won’t be a good look for her that she has lost another friend put it that way (it’s a smallish community) and we live around 7 mins away from each other.

Edited
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goodness it’s like you’re all in year 8!

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 08:40

That exactly it.

It started out balanced and fun. We had great times and she of course has been there for me. I am not a complete mug 😄

Over time the ratio changed. It would be 70/30 in her favour in the smallest almost indiscernible ways. It didn’t just happen suddenly but very gradually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Because friendships are very important to lots of people?

OP posts:
foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:45

Savingthehedgehogs · 29/10/2024 17:50

Can you explain more about that. She is a massive party person and always has been. Even now we are older. I am not a big drinker nor a person that parties until 7am. I am not part of that scene, I love going out but not to their extent. They are ‘well known’ if you get my drift.

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She probably wanted the party people at her party, if they’re partying until 7am I’m gonna guess it’s more than alcohol involved (from experience - I was a mega ‘party’ person in younger years) so you tend to gravitate to the ones that are also into that kinda thing if it’s the kind of evening you want.

this does not excuse what she’s done, she’s rude and inconsiderate, but just to say it’s prob not about you in the strict sense. Also, ‘7am party people’ are rarely good friends. They have other motivations that are incompatible with it.

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:46

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 08:41

Because friendships are very important to lots of people?

Show quote history

yes
exactly
and so by middle aged most are over this kind of “oooh she’s lost another friend”.

She has friends
you have friends
you two are no longer friends

i doubt anyone is giving this much thought

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:47

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:45

She probably wanted the party people at her party, if they’re partying until 7am I’m gonna guess it’s more than alcohol involved (from experience - I was a mega ‘party’ person in younger years) so you tend to gravitate to the ones that are also into that kinda thing if it’s the kind of evening you want.

this does not excuse what she’s done, she’s rude and inconsiderate, but just to say it’s prob not about you in the strict sense. Also, ‘7am party people’ are rarely good friends. They have other motivations that are incompatible with it.

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well there were mutual friends there

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:48

Bananamanlovesyou · 29/10/2024 17:58

I think it’s your flowers as the centrepiece for a party she didn’t invite you to that really does it for me!

Agree!! Wtf!! Insult to injury!!

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:48

if you haven’t seen other other for a year
then i’m guessing none of your mutual friends are thinking your friends anymore (not that i think they’re even thinking anything!)

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:49

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:47

well there were mutual friends there

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You can be friends with people who are not also doing the coke, but on a night out, you want the coke friends to match your ‘enthusiasm’ (and supply) and so you don’t feel judged

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:49

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:48

Agree!! Wtf!! Insult to injury!!

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unless she asked for the flowers
then the fact the op decided to buy flowers really didn’t mean she then was obliged to do anything

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:50

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:49

You can be friends with people who are not also doing the coke, but on a night out, you want the coke friends to match your ‘enthusiasm’ (and supply) and so you don’t feel judged

Show quote history

yes
but my point is the Op also has coke part fiend friends too!

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:58

Muthaofcats · 29/10/2024 18:21

This could be exactly why you weren’t invited ? If he organised it then he may not have included all the people that she might have ?
I would usually read a message like yours and just assume it means you value the friendship more highly than she does BUT my own husband who never organises anything did go to the effort of organising me a get together for a big birthday which was extremely sweet of him, however he isn’t the most organised of people and managed to only invite some of my friends (and lots of his own) and randomly excluded some of my very best friends and only some from a group and not others. I was so confused and anxious about it as I was worried those friends would take it as you have done and as many in this thread have done too and it generally does not reflect the standing of those friendships in my eyes. My husband is just not very good at organising social things like that (although obv v sweet of him for trying!). It is in fairness quite tricky to accommodate all friends in one event unless throwing something absolutely epic, as many people have friends from several different parts of their life; school, uni, different jobs or hobbies, local or school parents or nct etc. if you invited every single one it would perhaps spiral out of control cost wise and maybe she just wanted a handful of couples who particularly click. Who knows.

i Would judge the friendship on more general terms, how much effort does she put in otherwise ? I wouldn’t get her a gift if she didn’t get you one this year though,

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The difference is that you were anxious and concerned, OP’s friend was taken aback that she didn’t just roll over

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:59

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:50

yes
but my point is the Op also has coke part fiend friends too!

Show quote history

Yes, for when you’re not doing coke, it’s fine to socialise with non coke friends!! I’m guessing these aren’t every day all the time coke people

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 09:01

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:59

Yes, for when you’re not doing coke, it’s fine to socialise with non coke friends!! I’m guessing these aren’t every day all the time coke people

Show quote history

my point is
we can’t dismiss all the OP’s friend’s friends as people who don’t care about her and only superficial party friends. Why? because they’re also the OP’s friends.

Original poster
Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 09:04

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 08:46

yes
exactly
and so by middle aged most are over this kind of “oooh she’s lost another friend”.

She has friends
you have friends
you two are no longer friends

i doubt anyone is giving this much thought

Show quote history

It is the case this friend has notably and publicly fallen out with lots of her friends. I couldn’t care less, but others have judged her for it in the past. That is what happened. I don’t involve myself with her various group dynamics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 09:08

I think there is something in that though. Wanting to be surrounded by similar minded people whether it is how they get high or the illicit etc. I am just not into that at all.

I guess some of those friends can be unreliable towards her, so she needs stable friends to make up the shortfall. It’s possible this was a rowdy party, and yes I can be honest when I say I probably wouldn’t be first choice in that scenario. I can see why she might prefer other people to me.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 30/10/2024 09:11

foodforclouds · 30/10/2024 08:58

The difference is that you were anxious and concerned, OP’s friend was taken aback that she didn’t just roll over

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Yes very sweet of your husband to invite MOSTLY her friends and SOME of yours to HER party 😂

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 09:13

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 09:08

I think there is something in that though. Wanting to be surrounded by similar minded people whether it is how they get high or the illicit etc. I am just not into that at all.

I guess some of those friends can be unreliable towards her, so she needs stable friends to make up the shortfall. It’s possible this was a rowdy party, and yes I can be honest when I say I probably wouldn’t be first choice in that scenario. I can see why she might prefer other people to me.

the mutual friends that were at the party… are you close to any of them too?

ThisPlumHelper · 30/10/2024 09:15

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 09:04

It is the case this friend has notably and publicly fallen out with lots of her friends. I couldn’t care less, but others have judged her for it in the past. That is what happened. I don’t involve myself with her various group dynamics.

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on the basis of how you are describing this friend… it’s a miracle this friendship lasted 15 years

anyway you live very close but managed to not see one another for a year and there’s been no drama about it. So 🤷 i think it will just fizzle without anyone noticing
given a year has passed already with no drama