Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

Then I think you just "fall off". Which is exactly what I did. I was so hurt in my friendship that really there was no coming back from it, it was never going to be the same and like you I had a realisation that actually I didn't want to go back to it.
So you do it kindly. It takes you days to reply to any messages with polite short answers. You're always unavailable to meet "but have a great time!". This year you'll send a card and a text, next year just a text because you won't have seen each other in over a year, the following year you do nothing.
People who ask "how x is" or "have you seen x" you just politely reply "oh my goodness no not in a while I've just been so busy! But yeah all good as far as I know!" And swiftly move the conversation on.

It will die. Give it no oxygen and it will die and you're just doing it politely and kindly. We're all adult's, she knows what she's done, we don't need to be calling out x,y and z, you and her both know what's happened. She'll get the message.

The mutual friends are often horrible to her??? OP you need new friends!

With respect, I’m going to say this is a ‘you’ problem. Only in the sense that it sounds like you have porous boundaries. People pleasing is learned and can be ingrained. Protecting your boundaries and putting yourself first takes time and work to unlearn.
Friendship groups can be tricky, so I understand why you don’t want to / can’t cut her out, but you don’t have to be so accommodating.
Good luck with this, and don’t bother with a card. Text will do!

Hi OP, sorry if my last post seems harsh. At 50, staying up partying till 7am will include drugs. If you’re not part of that scene, maybe there’s your answer? Either way, she’s not worrying and neither should you.

You can say you’re busy and don’t have time to meet up but you’ll catch up at whatever group event is planned in the future. Don’t feel bad. She isn’t.

@Savingthehedgehogs just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I have found it validating like so many other posters. Your experiences are so similar to mine. Once you realise something about someone you can't unsee it can you?

I think I'm a bit further along the journey than you. My ex 'best friend ' was the biggie for me. I have also shed another user and have one left that I'm trying to deal with at the moment ie matching her non-energy with my own 😂bit tricky as she's part of a group that's important to me. You may find yourself looking differently at some people around you.

As you've already said it's so important to prioritise yourself and treat yourself kindly. Everyone else comes second barring your nearest and dearest. I no longer do the presents, parties and entertaining and tbh it's a bloody relief. Just go out somewhere and everyone pays their own. No more wedding cakes, borrowing my clothes, yippee 😜

And as you said, the people taking you for granted often don't have perfect lives themselves so they must miss their reliable, giving 'beige' friends in some way. I like to think so. Good friends are a gift to be treasured.

Wishing you peace and happiness. Onwards and upwards!

the friend’s family, hobby friends and a few close friends are all coke heads?! And this was a…. 50th?

I am trying to reply to a few posts in one go, as it’s half term and rushing!

I will let the friendship drop off, I feel much better about choosing to do that.

I think I used the wrong words, I should have said mutual acquaintances as her new friends are well known to me, but definitely not friends. They are a harsh bunch and I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in their group, even if I wanted friends like them. It’s possible she has been influenced by them I suppose.

I feel like we have had similar experiences Historian and I am really glad this thread has been good for you as well. It may have highlighted just how far you have come! I wish I could give up the dinners and hosting etc altogether as well, so maybe that’s the next thing to go! I cba and it’s all such a massive effort and I am no Nigella 🫣

I am not quite 50 yet and stressing so much about what to do, who to invite and really at this point quite disappointed that I haven’t quite cracked this people pleasing wholly, even if I have made some limited progress. I would love to be like some pp on here and not care about any of it! How do I stop caring as much?!

So none of your mutual friends were invited either?

does her family and hobby firms also take coke?

. I would love to be like some pp on here and not care about any of it! How do I stop caring as much?!

i think it must be this small community that you live in that makes you feel like this!

if none of your mutual friends were invited…. are they also very hurt?

but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. *
I was mortified to find out about it, it really stung least of all because other friends expected me to be there, and said as much*

but actually no mutual friend was invited? only horrible mutual “acquaintances”?

We overlap on a few old friends and acquaintances and yes most of them were there.

and these genuine mutual friends as opposed to acquaintances also coke heads?
and you were the only of all your mutual close friends not invited?

We do live in a fairly small community, and it’s a drawback when something goes wrong. It’s also been a blessing as people are generally friendly and kind here too.

it’s the people that were at the party i am confused about
her family and hobby friends are also coke party animals?
and it wasn’t just nasty acquaintances? there were genuine mutual friends there too - and they also coke party animals?

She's trolling the cartier necklace thread now. What a sad individual.

is that in style and beauty?

Its trending at the moment on the right of the screen

She’s been deleted everywhere. And the profile has been deleted too I think. I’m getting obsessed and paranoid about AI generated posts on here.

i wouldn’t know where to begin to identify something AI generated!

I just had a look and now googling Cartier necklaces!!! 🤭

If that was an AI post there was no way to tell apart from one thing - that I assumed was diversity, that they didn’t seem to ‘’get’ what I was saying or the nuance. I felt intimidated by some of the strange questions, and didn’t know to answer.

AI will ruin forums like this 🙁

I'd maybe send a polite text, but then distance myself.

I had similar with a friend earlier in the year. It had always been the case she'd been my main friend, but she clearly had a much wider circle and others closer, and our friendship was based around our kids being a similar age. Her children were always invited to our child's party, they never reciprocated, which was odd and a bit hurtful. Then as the kids got older, hers were repeatedly less than kind to mine, and things like presents from them got less thoughtful - we bought from their list, we got obvious re-gifts, and when we met up, we had to increasingly bend plans to accomodate them. The last time we saw them, 90% of the day had been made to suit them, one of her children was very unpleasant to mine, my friend then further caused hassle making my child shuffle about to suit whatever her own narrative around her child being difficult was, her husband accidentally revealed all the issues around planning the day weren't issues at all, and he then let their kids completely monopolise playground equipment to the exclusion of about 30 other children because heaven forbid their children should share and take turns. It just highlighted that tme had moved on and that our values were very different. They then undermined our parenting choices which didn't make for the pleasant day we'd hoped for. I was then ignored for months, presumably for a tiny, should have been inoffensive, and most importantly, factual, comment I'd made, though who even knows. I just decided I didn't have the energy amongst my own busy, difficult and stressful life to be messing about accommodating their huge blindspot around their kids any more. I kept things polite, sent gifts and cards for their birthdays. Got no/bare minimum thanks or response and my birthday was completely ignored. Told me all I needed to know and had already suspected about that friendship unfortunately. I'm sad about it, obviously, my life is fairly lonely and unhappy, but it wasn't in the best interests of my family to flog a dead horse. Some friends are for life, and some are for a while, and that's ok.

Hopefully in time you'll either manage to repair your friendship, if you want to, or if not, find another friendship that is more respectful.

Text her like she texted you.

If you know you will mix in the same circle just send a text. Don’t send a card or present and I wouldn’t socialise with her on your own just a polite hello when you meet in your friendship group. She’s not a nice person and you are better off without her.