Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

The OP said they’re acquaintances, she bumps into them at parties pub etc but they’re not her friends as such

Extremely sweet, apparently!

Thank you to the OP for starting this thread, and to everyone who has contributed helpful advice. I’m just going into the danger zone with a friend of mine, gradually doing all the giving. I had a sleepless night going over things, but I am going to start reigning in things a bit. Although I am not the OP, thank you to everyone who added comments.

close enough that she was around the house of one of them to see the framed photo

so in that case none of the non- coke party animal friends that the OP and her share were there then? or do they not share any genuine friends together?

I think you’re missing my point. What I’m saying is, the person who threw the party probable wanted people who also like to party hard at that party, and that’s not op.

you can be friends with people who feel the need to party hard (it’s rarely a want), but they are likely to often disappoint you, if the dynamic you’re after is more of a close friend, because they have these other needs and motivations that are not well suited for genuine close friendships.

It seems I in fact missed your point @ThisPlumHelper ! Other non party animals were prob invited, so why not op - was your point! I get it now

yes i agree with this
i was just pointing out that this is not the only party come friend of the OP then, given mutual friends were there

Just to clear this up, my friend has recently started spending time with people I have known for a long time, they are acquaintances not friends of mine. They treat her badly but she still seems to like them. I chat if I see them, but no more than that.

I saw the photo at the pub not at a house. It was being shown as my friend had recently moved, and she has a small barn that was being spoken about due to the inside/outside aesthetics.
It was galling! I noticed because my birthday flowers were pretty much centre piece.

I can see that I haven’t factored in how important it is to my friend to have people that enjoy party nights in the same way. Yes there were non party people there too, so this was not a defining factor, if I joined in I think we would absolutely be closer. Better still if I hosted similar events at my house of this nature.

As such I’m the sensible beige friend that she can call if the shit hits the fan category. I hadn’t truly seen this angle before. Ofc she is going to prefer people more on her wavelength in every sense of the word.

It’s honestly like listening to the friend shenanigans of my 14 year old daughter rather than middle aged women presumably my with other responsibilities up to their eyeballs!

and this group of family, hobby friends and cluster of close friends are coke loving party fiends?

No, don’t send a gift. She has relegated you to a birthday text level of friendship, sadly, so I would match her energy. People need to learn there are consequences for hurting others and she shouldn’t take you for granted and expect to receive a gift when she can’t be bothered to send you one.

Op, you are not beige.

You sound like an amazing friend. One we could all do more of in our lives.

Behaving responsibly and kindly is also what I expect of my teen dds. Read the first line of my opening post. It is first world problems and not a big deal, I made that clear at the very beginning. Nonetheless I couldn’t decide if it was petty to not send a gift /card on her birthday and what others would do in my position.

Of course we all have bigger things to worry about, and you can post about those too.

Agree with this

What's the point of sending a card though? What are you hoping to achieve by sending one?

It’s hurtful but try not to take it as a reflection on you. It’s your friends issues and she’s the spiteful one. If I was a mutual friend I’d be reevaluating if she was someone I wanted in my life, not blaming you.

To all those wondering why the Op has only just twigged about her friend being very self centered. It's like the classic boiling frog analogy so often mentioned in marriages that go bad.

We sleepwalk through life, often replaying our early relationships with our families from childhood. Someone lets you down, you don't notice, someone is really rude, you don't react because that's what you're used to and as a people pleaser you have been trained to stuff down your emotions and concentrate on the other person's needs and emotions. You're terrified of losing them, as you were as a child dealing with a difficult parent. Or it can be just how your parents were, people pleasing passing down the generations.

Your dial is faulty but all those suppressed emotions surface eventually (because your needs are not being met) and it takes one more example of shitty behaviour and hurt before you suddenly realise I've been a mug. This person really doesn't care about me or is unable to reciprocate.

It's an unhealthy dynamic. People pleasers often attract selfish people. The pleaser doesn't know any other way to relate, the selfish person doesn't realise other people have needs too. It becomes a habit until one or other has enough.

All those lucky people who were taught healthy, open communication in their lives. You really hit the jackpot. These issues probably seem childish and unbelievable but for many, many people they're life as we know it.

I thought about this, and to my mind sending a card would be a message of no hard feelings and have a good day, pretty much summarises it.

This is totally spot on. I missed lots of signs. I didn’t pay enough attention. I also assume everyone is fundamentally decent, so I am not really looking for issues. The downside of that outlook is surprise and shock when things go wrong.

In hindsight there were so many situations I waved away or let go - perhaps others would have pulled back at that point and reevaluated, saving themselves the trouble of finding out this way.

I have never evaluated any friend that entered my life before now, never once asked if they were good for me etc I am ashamed to say I was just grateful they were my friend! It was only through watching my own dc weigh up their own relationships! I still have a mishmash of people I consider friends that I haven’t even chosen! So it does run deep and needs a lot of work to unpick.

You sound a nice solid friend op. Def hurtful when friends let us down. I dont get as invested in people now

But there ARE hard feelings - and right so!

you don’t need to try to make her not feel bad about treating you badly!

if you still move in similar circles just be politely distanced when you see her

otherwise I’d just ignore her

Who is this starsbrawl character and why does she keep getting deleted? Driving me crazy!

I have already posted on this thread but tbh to the OP, the more replies I read from you and everyone...I think it's only you that make a decision. What do want the outcome to be? Where do you want the friendship to go?

I've already said I'd just send a card and maybe a text. That's a middle road for me. I wouldnt buy her a present after what's happened and to send nothing seems the final nail in the coffin for the friendship. But what do you want for the future from the relationship?

I'm in my 50s with a friendship break up behind me after covid. After 40 years of birthdays, this year I didn't send a birthday card even let alone a present. And I'm OK about it. I've tried my best. I don't want explanations now (I did but didn't get them), I'm happy that I've tried and tried and I feel OK about it. It doesn't matter now if we never speak or see each other again. It's taken me 4 years to get to that decision...so I don't think you'll get there overnight...but put yourself first, what is it that you want?

No idea!

When I really consider it, the friendship now makes me feel anxious and I don’t really want to be friends anymore. I have better friends that are really caring and lovely, I don’t need to feel second best or the junior party any longer.

I want to have friends I can rely on, that I can trust, that have my back and are loyal. I want to be judged for who I am, not what parties I go to. Or don’t go to. I want to have fun but in a way that doesn’t ruin 4 days afterwards, that’s not my scene anymore. I want close intimate, deep friendships that are nourishing and fulfilling and not the plastic fast food takeaway versions. I can’t stand superficiality and fake air kissing and all the other things that irritate me these days.

I would like to end this friendship kindly because it doesn’t meet many of the points above, even if it once had the potential to do so.