Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

[Padronpeppersplease]

Just want to preface this by saying that I KNOW other people’s pregnancies are just not that interesting to other people, and also that pregnancy announcements can be triggering for a host of reasons. That said, I’m starting to feel like I’m just not being treated very respectfully by my friend and it’s really starting to get me down, I’d appreciate people’s opinions! I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant - very happy about the pregnancy, am in a happy relationship and relatively OK financially. I told this friend my news after the 12 week scan on WhatsApp, she said congratulations but then met her for a coffee a week later and she didn’t say anything else about it, when I bought it up myself I felt she was quite terse and since then I have avoided the subject. However, I then messaged her again after my 20 week scan to say that I was having a girl - again, she did message congratulations, but I then went to meet her and she didn’t mention the fact I was having a girl at all. This is in contrast to basically everyone else, again I’m not expecting anybody to want to discuss pregnancy at length but even just a basic acknowledging comment like ‘oooh so you’re having a girl!’ type thing would be nice. As I’ve said I’m not insensitive to the fact that people can struggle with this news, I’ve had miscarriages myself and also an abortion and have been triggered by the pregnancy news of friends, however I’ve at least put on a show of excitement for them. Am I being unreasonable to expect my friend who I considered myself to be very close to to demonstrate some mild interest in my pregnancy and not to feel like it’s a taboo subject I can’t mention?

How are things going for her in life at the moment?
What else did you discuss when you met?

How good a friend is this friend? If a good one could you ask in a gentle/careful way “when I mentioned my pregnancy before you seemed kind of upset by it, is everything ok? I’m here if you want to talk“. Type thing.
Or you are in two completely different places RN and baby talk just isn’t something she interested in.

Stop texting her then and tell her things in person if you want to talk about it.

Or accept she's either not in the frame of mind to celebrate with you for whatever reason.

If she doesn't do pregnancy and babies expect this friendship to frizzle away in the next few months/years.

I wouldn't necessarily bring up a pregnancy unless my pregnant friend did incase things hadn't gone well particularly before you are showing properly.

She's congratulated you twice...

I don't think you do understand other people aren't interested in babies/pregnancy otherwise you wouldn't be griping that she's not said more.

Please leave the woman alone. It could be anything between no interest in children to devastating fertility challenges. How will pushing it help you or her?

To be honest have two children other than congratulations I wouldn't have spoken much. It may be your whole world and that's fine but kindly it isn't everyone else's.

But the point is that it’s a big thing in my life and as a friend I’d therefore think you’d show some interest, however feigned? When a friend talks to me about problems with their job for instance it doesn’t “interest” me but I am happy to talk about it with them because I know it’s a big/consuming thing for them.

You also say you’re sensitive to other people being triggered by pregnancy news but you’re complaining about her on here. For all you know she may have lost a baby.

It's sad how apologetic you feel you need to be in your post about wanting to talk about your pregnancy with a friend.

It's normal and healthy to want that. Pregnancy is a huge deal to most people and good friends should understand that.

This. A good friend of mine who is genuinely the nicest person ever really really struggled with having children. Whenever someone was pregnant she would smile and that was all she could muster and then go to a private place and cry.

It’s your baby and everyone is entitled to celebrate the way they want - and oh yeah she did say congratulations twice.

Just a question, were you a bridezilla who continually said ‘it’s my special day’ when things weren’t going as you wanted, people weren’t totally focused on you and everyone wasn’t doing what you wanted them to?

I dunno... I never wanted kids, have no interest in them at all, but I think I'd have the nous to understood that my friend was excited about such a big event and to encourage her to talk about it a little, just as a human kindness...

Has she shown jealousy of anything else in your life before? What is her own situation re kids? You may never know what's causing her to be uninterested, but might just have to accept it if the friendship is rewarding in other ways. I hope you have other friends who can share the joy with you.

And congratulations! You must be thrilled and I hope all goes well with you and your little girl, and that you enjoy this special time of life! 🙂

if you don’t know what’s going on in her life with regards to children and fertility etc then you can’t be mad at her.

she could have been trying for a child for years, she could possibly not be able to have children at all and longs for one. She could be going through relationship issues because she wants a child and he doesn’t. You simply don’t know what she is dealing with right now and how badly it is affecting her.

just the mere mention of pregnancy etc could be deeply hurtful to her so she’s doing what she needs to to protect herself right now.

be a good friend and respect that.

Exactly.

I have no interest in kids but I'd ask questions about it sane as I would if they got a new puppy or new car or new house/job.

If I had struggled with baby news I'd avoid the coffee meet up until I could cope. Not go and ignore the situation!

YANBU - as close friends you check in with each other about big life events eg if you were buying a house, your friend would ask where you’re up to with it.

id expect a close friend to ask how I was /how it’s all going- at which point I’d update them on current preg situation. Normally people ask ‘are you all sorted, or you waiting to buy things?’ General curiosity really. Then you’d ask how they were, what they’ve got on etc.

i don’t know why people here act like someone is going to meet you and not reference a huge life event @Padronpeppersplease . If someone can’t be pleasant because of their own issues, they need to message/ avoid you.
however, they might just not know what to say if you’re at different stages in life. I was a poor friend to my friends who had a baby before me coz I didn’t get it. Now I’m a lot more supportive coz I know what is needed.

I'm in the minority here but I totally would talk about it with you more, if I were your friend. Having said that though, I've not battled fertility issues or had any losses. I have 1 DS so far. I take great interest in other people's plans in regards to kids (if they bring it up first). I could imagine it could be a triggering subject for others however.

I think it's rather ridiculous of people saying she's congratulated you twice why would she bring it up again?
When you're good friends you ask about these things whether you're interested or not.
My guess is though is that infertility is the cause or something of that nature. I'd try not to take it to heart OP. She's maybe really struggling.

Thats what you’d do. The OP’s friend made a different choice.

I’d also just like to make the point that pregnancy isn’t the only thing that can be triggering for people - someone could be triggered hearing about a friend buying a house because they can’t afford to themselves, or hearing about a friends relationship because they are single, or hearing about a friends flourishing career because they are unemployed, or or or. If you could never bring up any of these things or show happiness ever then what sort of friendship would it be? There’s a big difference between boasting about these things and being insensitive to whatever your friends position is and avoiding the subject altogether.

And no @Westofeasttoday i wasn’t a bridezilla, thanks

We are all so afraid to upset other people about possible/unknown areas of sensitivity that we end up feeling unsupported and like we’re tiptoeing around our own realities.

It’s quite different if fertility is something you know she struggles with. And even then, I think she should recognise that it is essentially her own issue, however personally devastating it is for her, and it shouldn’t affect you feeling happy and supported in your own pregnancy. And presumably you’d be caring and kind towards her in these circumstances.

It seems like she’s fine with not showing any care or interest towards you OP (beyond a standard congratulations text). I don’t think I’d bother much with her tbh.

If she is struggling with fertility and goes on to have a baby in the future, I wonder how she’d feel if you treated her like she’s treating you. Just a thought.

Maybe she doesn’t want the topic, of every coffe / meet up, for the next 18 years to be about your child, and is setting the stall out early.

This is your life event, not hers

She has sent the appropriate congratulatory response to your messages, so she’s not being horrible about it. I would follow her lead and not go into it except when you have news to share. Some people find pregnancy difficult, some just aren’t interested. They can still be good friends.

Congratulations on your little girl!

Sorry where did I say I want the topic to dominate every conversation?