Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

[Padronpeppersplease]

Just want to preface this by saying that I KNOW other people’s pregnancies are just not that interesting to other people, and also that pregnancy announcements can be triggering for a host of reasons. That said, I’m starting to feel like I’m just not being treated very respectfully by my friend and it’s really starting to get me down, I’d appreciate people’s opinions! I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant - very happy about the pregnancy, am in a happy relationship and relatively OK financially. I told this friend my news after the 12 week scan on WhatsApp, she said congratulations but then met her for a coffee a week later and she didn’t say anything else about it, when I bought it up myself I felt she was quite terse and since then I have avoided the subject. However, I then messaged her again after my 20 week scan to say that I was having a girl - again, she did message congratulations, but I then went to meet her and she didn’t mention the fact I was having a girl at all. This is in contrast to basically everyone else, again I’m not expecting anybody to want to discuss pregnancy at length but even just a basic acknowledging comment like ‘oooh so you’re having a girl!’ type thing would be nice. As I’ve said I’m not insensitive to the fact that people can struggle with this news, I’ve had miscarriages myself and also an abortion and have been triggered by the pregnancy news of friends, however I’ve at least put on a show of excitement for them. Am I being unreasonable to expect my friend who I considered myself to be very close to to demonstrate some mild interest in my pregnancy and not to feel like it’s a taboo subject I can’t mention?

This thread explains a lot of the 'why do I have no friends' I see so often on MN.

I honestly would find it hard to move on in this friendship. There is nothing more life changing than a first baby. Imagine if it were something else: friend A: I'm moving house. B: Ok then. New topic.
B: Im going for promotion. A: Good luck, new topic. That is not how normal people interact.

@Tink3rbell30 I'm sorry to hear your children are so boring.

What are you talking about? I said pregnancy is generally a boring topic and most people aren't too interested, your comment doesn't make sense.

But pregnancy is an emotive subject for some people, they have fertility issues or have had miscarriages and it’s an upsetting topic, and I’ve had mates who’ve been pregnant and that’s the only thing they talk about the whole nine months, it’s quite self indulgent and lacking awareness, IMO.

Add to that that many people aren’t maternal and are sick to death of hearing baby talk every time they meet up with a pregnant friend and you can see the problem. I distanced from my pregnant friends because of this. It really isn’t as interesting as they think it is. Yes, congratulate them and discuss occasionally maybe, but I don’t think they realise how utterly tiresome it can get talking about one thing over and over again. Perhaps her mate doesn’t want to open the floodgates 😂. It’s not really comparable to a house move.

It seems very likely that your friend is struggling with some aspect of your good news for some reason. You could just accept it and be interested in her life when you meet (not saying you're not doing that already!)

Mumsnet is so weird! Are people not expected to be nice to their friends any more?

I have had fertility issues and I'm now finally pregnant. I've felt very ill and anxious and so it's all I've been able to really think about the past few months. I would expect my friends to take an interest as part of a mutual conversation because that's what good friends do. I have had countless discussions about mortgages, offers on houses and work dramas. I don't always find those things that interesting but as a supportive friend I listen to what's important to my friends. Obviously a pregnancy is hugely important to the person who is pregnant. Pregnancy can be a really hard time mentally and physically.

This is of course very different if they do have fertility issues and I know they don't want to talk about it (and again some people do, all people are different). However I don't really believe in a world where pregnant women aren't allowed to talk about their pregnancies full stop. It feels like going back in time to where pregnancy was seen as something shameful or like a kind of misogyny where because it happens to women it's not important.

I haven't read all the thread, but from some of the responses I think you're getting a hard time. If this friend is a good friend it would be respectful of her to at least mention it in your meet up, regardless of what has happened to her tbh. Maybe don't message with updates, but speak in person. It's a huge deal in your life and a good friend wouldn't ignore it, but would be supportive. Hopefully you'll meet some new friends where you are allowed to share your joy and be excited. If a friend makes you feel this way for any reason maybe take a step back and gravitate to positive people. Good luck and congratulations. YANBU

@Allswellthatendswelll Where have I said not to be nice to friends? You’re right, MN is utterly bizarre, people will somehow form their own conclusions about what people typed, despite the post being as clear as day.

What I actually said was, it is fine to talk occasionally about it, but when friends go on constantly for the whole nine months talking about everything from names to birthing plans, to outfits, christenings, what nursery they want to send the child to in two years time (yes, from experience this happens!) then it is boring and tiresome, and some people anticipate that pregnant friends will talk about nothing but baby related things if given half the chance so they don’t bring it up.

FWIW, when I was going through fertility investigations a few years back, I didn’t speak a word of it to even my closest friend so she had absolutely no idea. I did this for my own reasons, it was more about me than her, I know she would have been supportive but I kept it private. Moral of the story is, you never know why somebody might not feel comfortable talking about certain topics. Just because they’re your friend, they don’t have to want to listen to every single thing. It’s nothing to do with being ‘nice’.

the op didn’t raise it (probably testing her friend)

so perhaps this friend thought the op didn’t want to talk about it

Something that's happening in her job she wants to discuss is miles apart from discussing pregnancy especially if she is having fertility issues.

She congratulated you twice, I think that's enough. I didn't speak about my pregnancies unless asked about them. You never know what she could be going through.

However, losing a baby for instance, is so, so much bigger than not being able to buy a house or being single (and I experienced the loneliness of the latter for many years so I’m not underplaying it).

My baby was stillborn in August and it’s just about the worst thing that has happened to me. I have a few friends who are pregnant and I’ll be honest, I’ve congratulated them where I can, but to see them or have deep conversations about their pregnancies at the moment is heartbreaking. Not that I don’t love or care for my friends, and I AM also excited for them, but those conversations remind me of what I lost in probably the most horrific way possible. My cousin’s daughter posted picture’s of her new baby on social media last week and it caught me so completely off guard as didn’t know the baby had been born. I sobbed. Again, not because I wasn’t thrilled for her, but because it reminded me of losing my little girl.

Pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject-and she may not have wanted to share that particular piece of shitty news with you (I’ve not told all my friends my situation) so for all you know she could be struggling with grief but given you her congratulations in the safest way for her.

With kindness, (and this is just my thoughts and could be COMPLETELY wrong and she has other reasons for not mentioning) Try and think about it from her perspective. It may not be anything to do with a lack of excitement, and more protecting herself so she doesn’t fall down the slippery slope of sadness, depression, grief etc.

I’m on the fence.

I wouldn’t ask someone specifically about their pregnancy. I would ask “how are you doing/feeling?” and if they chose to talk about their pregnancy I’d ask questions, if not, I won’t.

I, personally, didn’t talk about my pregnancy unless asked but that was more about wanting to still feel as an individual that is pregnant vs a pregnant woman.

To be honest, I would expect a close friend to ask how you were doing /feeling with the pregnancy just as a small part of general chat/greeting at a meet-up before moving onto other topics.

But I would also expect to know if my close friend was suffering post miscarriage or dealing with infertility.

Are you aware of any issues like this or is your friendship not on that level?

It wouldn't have occurred to me that congratulating a pregnant woman twice when informed of her news would be remotely insufficient. What more is there to say?

I did lay the groundwork over many years with my friends though. Through our 20s I emphasised how uninteresting I found the subject of babies and pregnancy. By the time some of them had babies themselves they knew what to expect from me - they come to me for a proper adult conversation or a proper fun time and to get away from talking/thinking about nothing else but being a mum.

I did occasionally ask some of them whether they had unusual cravings in pregnancy (I am interested in food more than babies) but that was about my limit. All friendships survived intact.

I can only advise from a personal perspective…I think I am quite a considerate, empathetic person. However, I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks back in 2018 after months of ttc.
It turned out my SIL had fallen pregnant at the same time. I love my SIL dearly, she is hands down my favourite from my in-laws (aside from my husband…most of the time) but the grief and the emotional trauma just would not allow me to do much more than acknowledge her news.
My brain shut down for months and as much as I knew I should be happy for her, I just couldn’t join in on the celebrations. It got to the point where I avoided seeing her because I didn’t want to just begin to cry and ruin her moment.
She was incredibly understanding in the circumstances.
What I’m saying is that you just don’t know what might be happening for someone. Infertility is often a very private journey and it may have taken every bit of strength for her to be there.
Of course, this may also not be the issue but if it is please bear it in mind.

lovely thoughtful post

and how did your SIL react? I’m guessing she wasn’t cross and feeling “very disrespected”

@Teanbiscuits33 well that does sound annoying. I'm sure there is a happy middle ground though between not talking about it at all and boring on about it.

Obviously again the caveat of infertility/ loss but I don't think OP's friend has suffered this based on her shitty response to OP's miscarriage.

I suspect this friendship is doomed unless it's got enough common ground elsewhere. I have quite a few friends who aren't interested particularly in DC. That's fine, we do other things together. Although I'd still expect a good friend to at least feign interest in a new pregnancy or baby for 10 mins.

No, YNBU. It's not the reaction I'd expect from my friend. I'd also talk about it with a pregnant friend, as I have done, even though I didn't have DC. It's difficult to know why she's not wanting to discuss it, but that's just the way some people are, regardless of the relationship.

I've got a friend who couldn't give a hoot about pregnancy chit-chat, unless it was with her sister about her pregnancies. She adores her nephews.