Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

[Padronpeppersplease]

Just want to preface this by saying that I KNOW other people’s pregnancies are just not that interesting to other people, and also that pregnancy announcements can be triggering for a host of reasons. That said, I’m starting to feel like I’m just not being treated very respectfully by my friend and it’s really starting to get me down, I’d appreciate people’s opinions! I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant - very happy about the pregnancy, am in a happy relationship and relatively OK financially. I told this friend my news after the 12 week scan on WhatsApp, she said congratulations but then met her for a coffee a week later and she didn’t say anything else about it, when I bought it up myself I felt she was quite terse and since then I have avoided the subject. However, I then messaged her again after my 20 week scan to say that I was having a girl - again, she did message congratulations, but I then went to meet her and she didn’t mention the fact I was having a girl at all. This is in contrast to basically everyone else, again I’m not expecting anybody to want to discuss pregnancy at length but even just a basic acknowledging comment like ‘oooh so you’re having a girl!’ type thing would be nice. As I’ve said I’m not insensitive to the fact that people can struggle with this news, I’ve had miscarriages myself and also an abortion and have been triggered by the pregnancy news of friends, however I’ve at least put on a show of excitement for them. Am I being unreasonable to expect my friend who I considered myself to be very close to to demonstrate some mild interest in my pregnancy and not to feel like it’s a taboo subject I can’t mention?

To respect someone is 'to have due regard for their feelings'. That's not an unusual concept to expect of a friend.

When I was struggling with infertility I would always say "never say never" then change the subject when anyone asked about me having kids.

When friends announced their pregnancy I could always hold it together long enough to say congratulations and ask how they were keeping then depending where I was in my treatment (failed IVF round, just had a miscarriage or about to start the process again) I may just distance my self for a while if I wasn't feeling in the right frame of mind.

I am sure your friend is happy for you and wishes you well but my be struggling with something in her private life.

So what if she is having her own problems, it still makes her a bad friend. After miscarriages and during a difficult IVF journey, I always always made a fuss of pregnant friends and visited new borns laden with gifts. Most were sensitive enough about my situation and didn't go on and on but it was utterly heartbreaking sometimes and i often would come home feeling devastated but i put on a brave face. No matter what is going on i absolutely would never meet a pregnant friend for coffee and not mention they were pregnant!! She is well out of order here. ----

Because it's boring and nobody really cares apart from you, it's just a normal thing.. nothing interesting.

I’ve been on both sides OP. Your friends feelings are valid, so are yours.

Having a baby is a huge life event for you and it’s understandable to expect friends to speak about it or check in every so often. If you are getting married, new job, divorced, moving house etc you’re not expecting too much from a best friend to talk about it a little bit.

I have to admit I was also the friend who went quiet during a friend’s pregnancy. Friends were also quiet with me when I was pregnant too. Infertility, loss, unsure about having kids or not, not having a partner and worrying it won’t happen. Pregnancy is definitely a big trigger.

The fact she’s gone quiet or doesn’t discuss it when you bring up I assume somethings going on rather than that she doesn’t care.

I personally would reach out and check in. Just say she’s been quiet and notice baby talk she goes quiet. Say you’re there for her no matter what.

But you make an effort even a 2 min chat about it for people you love and care about.

I wouldn't talk about someone's pregnancy unless they brought it up each time.

I'm not interested in babies but I know enough to know that things can go wrong and I don't want to be the person who gushes over how excited someone must be when the woman has had some really awful news she hasn't processed yet.

If you start talking about your baby, I will respond appropriately, but I'm not going to initiate that conversation. I'm happy for you, but you need to prompt me when to make happy noises.

I'm also aware that lots of people will only be talking to you about your baby, and while you're excited, you're more than just a mother-to-be.

Me not constantly bringing up someone's pregnancy is actually me trying to show them space and respect, so they can talk about the pregnancy if they want or not if they need a break. I'm not jealous. I'm not upset. I'm just trying to play to my strengths (someone who isn't that into babies) and offer you some time which can be more about the rest of your life if you want it to be.

It is very unusual for a friend to not mention it so she is clearly struggling with something related to your pregnancy. I would leave it and accept this. Tell others about pregnancy related stuff and talk about other stuff with this person.

That's actually really nice to read. I hated all the attention when pregnant, especially people commenting on my body. It really is like you just become public property and it's all people see.

But there is to talk about without talking about your body?

Ie how will you manage work /maternity leave?

Or -how you going to rejig your house?

Or -sny last minute holiday plans to squeeze in now?

If I wanted to avoid a pregnant woman I would not go out for a coffee with them-I'd just avoid them.

The response on here is very odd as most people would enquire how the pregnancy was going/how was the OP feeling, out of politeness if nothing else.

I would ask pregnant colleagues how everything was going, even if we weren't close friends. It's just normal human interaction.

Erm, I don't think you can compare a woman being told that she can't have children ever, or unable to have them without a lot of medical intervention and even then not guaranteed, with not being able to buy a house or have a partner.

The latter two are annoying and frustrating, but facing a life without being able to have the family you longed for is a form of bereavement that takes many years to come to terms with.

Now I get that, as a woman who doesn't have, never wanted and am totally bored with all things baby and pregnancy.....but the fact that you don't get it says all we need to know about you.

OP what do you tend to talk about with this friend usually?

People are making lots of assumptions on this thread. The friend could be going through something related to infertility or struggling to decide whether to have children. Equally she could just be very self absorbed and not interested in any aspect of your life. Or she could just not be interested in children at all. Which is fine but depending on how strong the friendship is you might drift apart.

I think it's interesting that people are piling on the OP when the friends reaction to her miscarriage was 'children aren't the be all and end all'. Which doesn't sound very supportive really.

I would expect my friends to be mildly interested in my pregnancy. If I knew it was triggering for them I wouldn't go on about it. But if we met up for a mutually agreed coffee and I wasn't aware of any issue I'd expect 5 mins of chit chat on it yes! I think most people in the real world would.

Definitely not normal to not acknowledge but i’d think there would be a reason for it

If someone wasn’t mentioning it I would have the emotional intelligence to think she might have fertility problems herself or something and be careful not to bring it up or feel offended by her lack of attention to it. There are countless other topics of conversation, although I appreciate maybe not for you at the moment.

Wow!

Threw it in their face??

It's perfectly normal to share news of a pregnancy with a friend - and to expect some interest

Do you have friends?
Have they been pregnant?
Is that how you reacted?

How close a friend @Padronpeppersplease ?

not unusual at all. I never told anyone about how I felt not even my husband. You just don't know what your friends aren't talking to you about, not even the close ones.

Yes and got children myself. It is quite a boring topic and other people aren't too interested.

I was certainly very interested in the pregnancies of close friends and i suspect this friend simply does not see the op as a close friend

but casual ones? ones i meet up with very infrequently for a coffee like the Op and this friend? not so much. More just leave ball in their caught and if they raise, then sure i’ll make enquiries but if they don’t (which the op clearly didn’t at this coffee meet up) then i’d presume they don’t fancy talking about it and wouldn’t give it another second’s thought

Seem a shame to be pregnant with your first and progressing well with the pregnancy and so focussed and cross about this as the op is

i imagine that over the coming years, the OP will be starting a lot of threads about people’s (wrong) reactions and behaviour post birth, first christmas, christening, school gate mums… on and on

It get that you are upset because she is not reacting the way you have/would act about someone you care about's news. You will probably find that she will distance herself as your pregnancy goes on, or once your daughter has been born. Some people are just not interested in pregnancy and babies.

wrong thread