Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

[Padronpeppersplease]

Just want to preface this by saying that I KNOW other people’s pregnancies are just not that interesting to other people, and also that pregnancy announcements can be triggering for a host of reasons. That said, I’m starting to feel like I’m just not being treated very respectfully by my friend and it’s really starting to get me down, I’d appreciate people’s opinions! I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant - very happy about the pregnancy, am in a happy relationship and relatively OK financially. I told this friend my news after the 12 week scan on WhatsApp, she said congratulations but then met her for a coffee a week later and she didn’t say anything else about it, when I bought it up myself I felt she was quite terse and since then I have avoided the subject. However, I then messaged her again after my 20 week scan to say that I was having a girl - again, she did message congratulations, but I then went to meet her and she didn’t mention the fact I was having a girl at all. This is in contrast to basically everyone else, again I’m not expecting anybody to want to discuss pregnancy at length but even just a basic acknowledging comment like ‘oooh so you’re having a girl!’ type thing would be nice. As I’ve said I’m not insensitive to the fact that people can struggle with this news, I’ve had miscarriages myself and also an abortion and have been triggered by the pregnancy news of friends, however I’ve at least put on a show of excitement for them. Am I being unreasonable to expect my friend who I considered myself to be very close to to demonstrate some mild interest in my pregnancy and not to feel like it’s a taboo subject I can’t mention?

Totally agree with this.
I'm child free by choice but always show how pleased I am for my relatives, friends and work colleagues who become pregnant especially if they've had difficulty conceiving.
It's a huge, life-changing deal so why wouldn't you talk about that with the prospective mum?
If the OP's friend has got some pregnancy related issue then she should tell OP. Even the briefest of explanations would be better than keeping OP in a state of hurt bewilderment.
Two good women friends in this situation should be celebrating right now.
Is the friend jealous?

I’m pregnant with my second at the moment and honestly over the last 2 years I’ve come to realise most people without children just aren’t that interested. I wouldn’t take it personally.

NOPE, absolutely definitely not. Someone suffering with infertility, miscarriage etc does not have to disclose that incredibly painful, upsetting and personal information to a friend just so that they don’t shove scan photos and pregnancy chat in your face.

She has made her feelings clear in her responses and not bringing it up, she does not want to talk about it, there’s your “hint”.

Another thread where mumsnet is a parallel universe.
Of course it’s perfectly normal to expect a friend to show some interest in any major life event. Even if it’s a life event that they don’t find very interesting. A new job, partner, wedding, baby, holiday, car, cat……. All these things are part of the fabric of life. If we call ourselves someone’s friends then we should be showing at least minimal interest in what’s going on in that other persons life. Ask a couple of questions listen to the answers.
This should, of course, be reciprocal.
If I listened to mumsnet I’d never talk about anything except the weather and what I had for breakfast.

There's a massive difference between being childfree by choice and not. You cannot compare your situation.

You ask if she's jealous, if she is jealous then that would suggest that she does want children and for whatever reason she can't/hasn't. So if you have a little bit more of a think that shows that the friend is struggling right now.

I had very very minimal conversations about my pregnancy outside of family. I didn’t know who was going through what & didn’t want to put my foot in it if people were struggling with infertility/miscarriages 🤷🏼‍♀️

Each time you've contacted her with information about your pregnancy, she's congratulated you. What more do you want exactly? You don't seem to know what's going on for her in this regard so why can't you accept that what she's given you is all she can or is prepared to give you at this time.

You need to understand that your pregnancy is very interesting to you and probably to some of your other friends and your family but not everyone is going to be interested in talking about it and that could be for a whole host of reasons that are perfectly fine and valid. I went through fertility struggles and lost a child at 20 weeks, I found it exceptionally hard to be around pregnancies or to talk about them. I was much better when the babies were born and safe. Maybe your friend will be like that. Maybe not. It's not really up to you. The only thing you can control is whether or not you keep the friendship.

Then she should be able to tell a friend that. Or they’re not really friends.
She doesn’t have to go into massive detail or spill all her private problems but a short message to say - ‘I’m happy for you but at the moment this topic is difficult for me, I hope you can understand’
Just blanking one of the most important events in her friends life is poor behaviour. It just is.

But that’s precisely my point really the OP has no idea because her friend hasn’t told her so why is she unreasonable to expect not to talk about it? Yes maybe the Op should gently ask if she is ok or if there is something going on. But are pregnant women supposed to tip toe around terrified of upsetting people by just being pregnant and having normal conversations about pregnancy? A PP said the OP “threw her pregnancy in her face and didn’t ask twice” when she messaged her close friend to tell her she was pregnant! Good grief!

Other people have already said on this thread that there are some things like these that they can't even talk about even with their closest friends. There have been things in my life that I just can't talk about to anyone apart from my counceller, I just can't and I can't explain why.

She also hasn't blanked it, she's congratulated OP twice.

She might not want to take the gloss off the OP’s happiness by mentioning that she herself is having difficulties. Infertile women often get criticised for that.

Again, nope.

She hasn’t blanked it, she’s congratulated OP TWICE.

Nobody who is going through the hell of infertility and miscarriage, which is an incredibly personal, private and painful thing, owes anybody that information unless THEY want to share it.

My best friend was pregnant at the same time as me and then I lost the baby. I faked it best I could but in reality we drifted for at least a year because she was so busy and happy and I wasn't. I knitted her clothes and took gifts and visited in hospital but in reality I kept her at arms length and probably wasn't there for her like I would have been because i was quite depressed. I think it might have been different if I'd gotten pregnant again but that never happened. I think it's just one of those circumstances that isn't necessarily anyone's fault but has the potential to derail the whole relationship.

surely the hint is not discussing it?

I think it’s quite naive to compare not being able to afford buying a house with the pain of baby loss or infertility. Your friend has congratulated you twice and you say you’re aware that not everyone is as interested in your pregnancy as you are but you aren’t really exhibiting that behaviour. She might be struggling with something deeply personal, or shock horror, that could just be the limit of her interest in your news.

Wow the pile on the OP is so unnecessary. I cannot imagine the pain of infertility or pregnancy loss, but I also don't agree that the OP is being selfish for wanting to talk to her friends about her child.
Of course everyone should be sensitive to other people's personal circumstances, and if she thinks it may be due to infertility issues, then she should tread carefully to not brag or take it too far by only speaking about the baby, but for the people saying she should be grateful for a congratulations and not expect people to talk more about it is insane.
Having a baby is completely life-changing, exhausting, and all consuming. Pregnancy can be hard. It is also really hard trying to raise a child well! How can people possibly expect friends to not mention their children?! New mums need support!
Of course if someone is finding it too hard to talk to their friends with children, they themselves can step away from friendships, which is desperately sad, but those of you who have said the OP is being unreasonable for wanting to discuss the life she is about to bring into the world, are mad.
How can you say on one hand, that the OP is being inconsiderate for comparing infertility to other big life events, but also expect her to keep any discussion of her child to herself and that 'other people don't care'. This is a human being, a life, not just a new handbag she is talking about!!

Having a baby is completely life-changing, exhausting, and all consuming.

So is going through infertility.

OP, it seems to need spelling out. There’s likely to be a reason your friend is clearly avoiding what would normally be the most obvious topic of conversation . She’s not merely disinterested, she’s uncomfortable at the moment with having conversations about your pregnancy and seems to be actively avoiding the topic.

With this situation, stop attempting to extract protracted congratulations / excitement / whatever else it is that you are seeking from her.

She could have lost a baby the morning you first texted her with your news - it could be horrifically raw - you have no idea at all. All you know is that something isn’t right. You have your baby and excitement irrespective of how she reacts. Time to be sensitive.

Infertility is also life-changing, exhausting and all consuming. One of my friends has been through 5 years of infertility, countless appointments, daily injections, invasive tests, surgeries, egg extractions, IUI, IVF. She didn’t share this information with us until very recently, she was absolutely going through enough without feeling she HAD to share that info with anybody else.

There are plenty of people OP can discuss pregnancy with, this friend has made clear she isn’t one of them, that’s the hint.

I cannot imagine the pain of infertility or pregnancy loss

Clearly.

I think that just because you don't feel like having a miscarriage would stop you from excitedly discussing a friends pregnancy, doesn't mean that it wouldn't affect other people in a different way.
I think fertility and pregnancy can be extremely emotional topics for people and I think you should accept that for whatever reason, this friend doesn't feel comfortable bringing up your pregnancy in conversation and respect that.
You obviously have plenty of other people that you can talk about it with.

I really hope you're taking notice of the replies OP.

Exactly my point, one doesn't top the other. Both are equally entitled to feel their feelings. But the people saying the OP is in the wrong for wanting to talk about her baby, are just as wrong as the people saying a friend with fertility problems should just tell her etc.

I'm not saying the OP should expect this friend to want to be the one who she has long discussions with. But the generalisation that "people don't care about your children" or "your children aren't interesting to other people" is so sad. Surely friends would care enough about the human life you created to at least ask about them.

Having a baby is completely life-changing, exhausting, and all consuming. Pregnancy can be hard. It is also really hard trying to raise a child well! How can people possibly expect friends to not mention their children?! New mums need support!

That’s true about being a new parent and actually having a baby, but I’m 19 weeks and I don’t have a lot to say. I forget I’m pregnant a lot of time to be honest. I’m tired and have heartburn, and sure if I was struggling with pregnancy then I’d want the support of my friends just like if I was struggling with anything but for (what sounds like) a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy, I think it’s fair for the OP’s friend not to bring it up. I’ve also heard some pregnant women say they hate everyone asking about their all the time as it makes them feel like a walking incubator so it’s fair to wait for the OP to bring it up if she wanted to discuss it, and it sounds like the friend has always responded when she has. I’m not a person who thinks that no one should care about the OP and her baby or the OP is wrong to want to talk about it but I don’t think it’s the friend who has to start that conversation.