Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

[Padronpeppersplease]

Just want to preface this by saying that I KNOW other people’s pregnancies are just not that interesting to other people, and also that pregnancy announcements can be triggering for a host of reasons. That said, I’m starting to feel like I’m just not being treated very respectfully by my friend and it’s really starting to get me down, I’d appreciate people’s opinions! I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant - very happy about the pregnancy, am in a happy relationship and relatively OK financially. I told this friend my news after the 12 week scan on WhatsApp, she said congratulations but then met her for a coffee a week later and she didn’t say anything else about it, when I bought it up myself I felt she was quite terse and since then I have avoided the subject. However, I then messaged her again after my 20 week scan to say that I was having a girl - again, she did message congratulations, but I then went to meet her and she didn’t mention the fact I was having a girl at all. This is in contrast to basically everyone else, again I’m not expecting anybody to want to discuss pregnancy at length but even just a basic acknowledging comment like ‘oooh so you’re having a girl!’ type thing would be nice. As I’ve said I’m not insensitive to the fact that people can struggle with this news, I’ve had miscarriages myself and also an abortion and have been triggered by the pregnancy news of friends, however I’ve at least put on a show of excitement for them. Am I being unreasonable to expect my friend who I considered myself to be very close to to demonstrate some mild interest in my pregnancy and not to feel like it’s a taboo subject I can’t mention?

@Padronpeppersplease many congratulations on your pregnancy and lovely wee little girl! 💗💗💗

I have a wonderful friend who doesn't give a single fuck about my babies but is still a wonderful friend, kids aren't her jam. Same way her doing mdma and cocaine of a weekend hold no interest to me, we're at different stages and we discuss other things just so we both can enjoy the chat.

Now our other friend is stoic as anything and we had no idea she was suffering silently from miscarriages because she never told us, she didn't mention it to me until she was pregnant with her eldest DC and was ready to give birth. She didn't tell us she was pregnant with her second until she was about 8 months pregnant either. And once she had her children was able to ask me about mine and enjoy sending pictures of her kids and asked for pictures of my DC in return.

Even our closest friends don't always share their personal struggles with loss or fertility, please be mindful.

My best friend had her beautiful DD a few months after I had a very traumatic loss and when I dropped in her flowers and gifts for baby I had a bit of a wobble and she dragged me inside and forced me to hold that gorgeous baby and my heart just exploded with love for this darling of a baby but also sadness mine was never going to be held, it was tough but I was already a mum, I had other beautiful children to be strong and mother, had I not had them to distract my grief somewhat, I don't know if I would have been able to go anywhere near a newborn. I'm not my stoic friend, I'm the opposite, if I'm hurting I'll tell people because I don't want people to think I'm being off with them, but I appreciate that not everyone is comfortable to share grief or struggles.

Even if your pal isn't actively trying for a baby or has a partner etc, this may be something she's anxious about, some women, I include myself are very focused on having children and it may hurt her deeply she isn't able to be also excitedly getting ready to have a baby.

Hopefully though she just isn't really interested and there is no struggles, but be mindful incase there is.

And congratulations again x

YABU

you're right people don't care, outside of a few direct relatives and maybe a couple of extremely close friends, it really is something people don't care about.

Here's a home truth, if you insist the whole world should revolve around giving you attention because you're having a baby, then you're going to find being a parent really hard and you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Let me guess you've already posted your announcement and then watched to see how many likes it gets, and you've planned out how to announce the birth on social media too... people don't care.

Having had an abortion and a miscarriage followed by a pregnancy doesn't give you a view of how hard it is to never have a child, maybe your friend is in that boat. They said congratulations when you threw it in their face without them asking twice. What more do you want? A big party of attention where everyone says how great it is that you have a fetus in your uterus?

I totally understand how you feel, it seems odd that with a close friend, you wouldn’t discuss such a big life changing thing you are going through, and it’s hurtful to you she isn’t showing an interest, I can imagine feeling that too. Yet, if she’s normally a good and attentive friend, then she must have a good reason that is important to her, and I’m sure we’d understand her feelings too if we heard them. I think best not to ask her when you are feeling a bit miffed like this, but be curious about how she really is - perhaps she’s going through a big thing too. You only need to read long term conception posts here to understand how painful it is for people - I’m not sure I understood that when I had my first baby tbh.

I had a similar thing happen OP, and I understand how it can leave you feeling, especially if you've been there for them through the years. What helped me was not focusing on it and still being a friend for them, even though sometimes it felt a little awkward. I thought to myself, maybe she's going through something and couldn't cope with talking about it. Even though I would have congratulated a friend on her pregnancy in person, (which I've had to do even though it was hard) doesn't mean she will. Sorry I can't offer much advice, but I do understand. And congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

If she asks when you meet up how you are that is your moment to bring up the subject

For all you know she's assuming that if you wanted to talk about it then you'd bring it up - some pregnant women get annoyed by always being asked about the pregnancy and not treated as 'them' any more

She's said congratulations and presumably when you meet she asks how you are and what's new generally

No, the examples you gave are in no way comparable!
.
All of your examples are within the control of the person and are temporary.

Your ignorance is very telling.

…and breathe

I’m guessing that most posters essentially saying she should get over any possible infertility pain she may be feeling have not actually struggled with the absolutely crushing facts of infertility. My DP and I have been struggling with infertility for more than 2 years and we have recently been told that unless we use double donation that pregnancy just isn’t going to happen for us. My best friend has recently told me she is pregnant. I am trying to be happy for her so badly - I want nothing more than to be a part of her life and for pregnancy to be something joyful that I can celebrate with her - and I really am trying. Every time I get a scan picture or when she told me that she was having a girl I spent hours sobbing afterwards though. It’s soul destroying and is impacting on all my relationships - with friends, family and my partner. If your friend isn’t able to talk about your pregnancy for whatever reason, I think you need to respect that..

Jesus Christ you are being entirely unreasonable for even comparing infertility and miscarriage, baby loss, to being unable to buy a house or get a promotion in a job.

One of the worst things I’ve read.

Honestly I have to agree.

I can’t actually believe that anybody would compare not being able to have a baby, or losing a baby, to buying a house or getting a job🤯

I agree, before this comment I had a feeling you didn't understand but after it, my god you really don't understand at all.

Honestly I totally disagree with this. This is obviously a huge thing for the OP probably the biggest thing in her life ever to be having her first child, why would she be unreasonably to want to talk to her closest friend about that? Do people honestly not discuss huge life events with their friends and expect to be listened to? What do yous talk about??
obviously there may be a triggering element going on here and that’s different but if it’s just a case of her not being interested in pregnancies or babies then honestly I just think that’s rude. I don’t particularly care about what kitchen my friends are putting in their new house or what wedding dress style they are going for but as a good friend I listen and give opinions, surely that’s what friends do?

I have no kids and never especially wanted any but when I hit peri and "No children yet" became "no children ever" for some reason it hit me hard and I couldn't even have feigned pleasure and interest. I was an NHS manager and quite a few of my young team were expecting or had just had babies. It was a very difficult time for me.

Absolutely!! Being 'disrespectful' because she's not doing what the OP wants?
However everyone deals with things differently.
Re the above post My best friend had her beautiful DD a few months after I had a very traumatic loss and when I dropped in her flowers and gifts for baby I had a bit of a wobble and she dragged me inside and forced me to hold that gorgeous baby and my heart just exploded with love
If after my miscarriage a 'friend' tried that on me? I'd would have probably had a full on collapse and breakdown and they would no longer be a friend.
So everyone deals and can cope with things differently I suppose.

I had a friend like that, and perhaps unsurprisingly she is no longer my friend.

But the fact OP has no clue what is going on is exactly the point. This friend could be struggling with infertility, this friend could be suffering with recurrent miscarriages, this friend could have lost a baby.

Those are not things that many people share, even with their closest friends.

Here's that attention you ordered OP

Maybe it’s me, but if you’ve already had the conversation by text message, then why do you need to have it again in person? Like after you’ve messaged her and said you’re having a girl, and she replies what else is there to say? I genuinely don’t know. I’m 19 weeks pregnant and I don’t expect friends to bring it up themselves. There’s just not a lot to bring up at the moment. My closest friend is childfree by choice and has little interest in pregnancy/children and when I’ve seen her during my pregnancy, we talked about the same things we always have and I like that. I’m sure I’ll make new friends with parents of babies the same age as mine to have the baby chat with.

You say you didn't expect to discuss it at length but a comment about how you're having a girl would be nice. The thing is, it then would have led to you discussing it at length because you're naturally very excited.

You say she was "terse" when you initially told her but then you messaged her about your pregnancy again to tell her you're having a girl (and she did congratulate you).

Like you, I had an abortion and a miscarriage before my DD and I remember the gut wrenching pain of seeing other people's pregnancy announcements and them messaging me their scan pics. I think the excitement of your pregnancy has dulled these memories for you.

Of course we don't know that this is what's going on with her. Perhaps it is, in which case I think you should stop pushing the issue with her. The other possibility is that she's just not interested at all in which case I imagine the friendship will probably fizzle out anyway.

Totally agree with this and I don't get the posts attacking OPs like this one. Of course you're going to be hurt if a close friend ignores this massive, momentous thing that's happening to you. It will do irreparable damage to the friendship unless they can talk about it. The friend hasn't said that she's struggling with the news. It shouldn't be for the OP to second- guess or mind- read. If the friend can't react in a supportive way then surely she should at least hint to OP (if she can't fully talk about it) that it's a difficult thing for her. That would immediately activate the OPs empathy and neutralise the hurt the OP is currently feeling.

OP does your friend have children? Do you know whether she wants children, is trying or going through fertility treatment?