To do our own Christmas dinner?

[Chrissstmasdinn]

So me and DH, married this year but have 3yo and 1yo. We’ve always went to either family for Christmas dinners - my mum has had more of us tbh as she’s quite pushy

We’re getting a dining table after we got rid of our island during new kitchen fitting so DH suggested why don’t we host our own dinner? Us and the kids

I liked this idea and still do! I mentioned to my family who’ve been mentioning Christmas dinners a bit and they’re fuming with me and DH

said it’s all him? That its mean of me that he should go to his mums and I should go to them with the kids?

AIBU to want to do my own dinner with my little family? We’d be going to see family before and after it

Much like adult children compromising their relationships with their parents by doing what they prefer.

If you want your DC to have a relationship with their grandparents, there may need to be compromise on both sides.

Your dcs will thank you for it later. Not necessarily, I appreciated the Christmases of my childhood, alternately at our house or my aunt's, with GP - the only times there were enough people together to play silly team games with balloons etc. Christmas at home, with our own tree and my "own little family" wouldn't have been half as much fun.

Ignore her pushiness, it’s time to make your own traditions with your children. It’s not like you haven’t offered to host or that you’re not seeing her on the day, she needs to stop telling you what to do. Is she usually this overbearing? Your poor Dh sounds fed up!

This!!

not all children are the same.

"Tradition (dictionary definition): the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation, or the fact of being passed on in this way."

"Tradition (new definition) something I do with my children, which will be abandoned in 20 years when my children start a different tradition (new definition) with their children"

Last year my daughter and husband spent Christmas Eve and day in Williamsburg and we saw them a few days later. I was sad but kept my mouth shut. When our children become adults it isn't about us anymore.

Stay at home, we have hosted for too many years, or take a whole dinner to a relative and eat there.
Neither option we have ever wanted, but are obligated.
One day we might regret not doing it, but my goodness, it would be nice to have a break some years.

Oh dear, what is it with Christmas? We would really love to have our Granddaughter here for Christmas as we always spent Christmas with wider family when children were small. Daughter in law decided in 2022 (granddaughter's first) that she didn't want to travel and preferred to have Christmas at home. Was I disappointed? Yes. Did I make a fuss? No. Husband and I had Christmas at home by ourselves last year for the first time in over 40 years. BUT it was their choice and should be. I don't want them to feel pressured into travelling with a toddler.

Just respond with
Ok you're right, I've only considered my little family this year for dinner. I suppose people will have to cope with changing traditions. However we'll be popping by mums at 6pm to see everyone.

They can't argue if you agree with them

I completely agree with this - we loved family Christmases when we were kids and I did the same with my kids - although now they are older I’d love to get away.

BUT no mother should dictate what her grown up children do.

I spent 17 years driving up and down the country in hired cars, took trains and buses to visit my family and their small children because they said the kids couldn't travel and it was unfair on them. Had my first child, guess what they have never accepted an invite and we've never gone to them again. We have a house bid enough for them all to stay. Double standards, we have been on holiday and had just our family Christmases and also with friends we love best thing ever.

Everyone? Slight exaggeration from you there.

People like different things. Some people like to be around lots of other people at Xmas and visit family and some don’t. Some people don’t like cooking, some prefer to cook for themselves. If you don’t want a big social occasion, prefer to be around just a few people and want to cook for yourself, then the scenario you describe is not a ‘winner’ is it? 🙄

Your family sound like a nightmare OP. You’ve invited them, which they don’t want, and then you’ve said you’ll see them on the day just after dinner. You’ve been more than accommodating.

We always alternated between having in-laws and my parents and we would see the other Boxing Day. But Xmas day always at home.

It’s not your job to manage their feelings. If they are hurt they need to deal with that themselves.

My husband and I always used to go to our own parents' for Xmas, separately. When we had our first baby we did the first Xmas with his, then the second with mine. Then we put a stop to that and are now having every Christmas on our own making our own Xmas memories and traditions. It is so much hassle putting everything in the car and travelling and it's disruptive for the children to be on other people's schedules, in their non-child friendly houses. We please ourselves at home.

One of the nans is clearly unhappy about it but she had her turn for 35 years. Also it's a mindset thing. Christmas is now a period of festivity, not just one day. She is salty about not seeing the children on the actual day but that's just unrealistic and greedy in my opinion. What does it matter if it's a week earlier or later? She still gets the Christmas visit.

Reply to your sister- did mum not tell you her suggestion is that <dh> go ti his family…. On his own! And I bring the kids to hers. Talk about hurtful!! Who suggests a parent misses out on Christmas with their kids?? That’s what divorced parents do and if I were dh I’d be considering it with a mother in law who makes suggestions like that. They are our children and we both have parents and mum is being extremely unfair. I can’t believe you don’t see that. If she keeps this up we won’t be popping in like we offered because it would ruin our day the way she’s going on.

There is absolutely nothing "mean" about wanting to have Christmas at your home. However your family sound kind of mean kicking up a fuss.

I wouldn't mention it again, and say "I have to go now" if they do.

They are being unreasonable.

Language policing!

It was a joke and I thought it was funny. Sometimes I refer to public spaces like restaurants being "terrorised" by little kids running around. So I guess I shouldn't say that. Nor should I say that I live in terror of the rats that I had returning.

If we can't use the word "terrorist" to humorously refer to demanding family members, presumably we also can't refer to ourselves being terrified unless we are in the middle of a terrorist attack?

I don't think we should be policing others' word choice, unless it's profane or inciting hate. We don't have the right to tell others what words they should or should not use.

It's a pity they didn't invite you.

We always had Christmas at home but our grandparents came to stay. My dad was an only child so his parents always came to us, but my mum was one of three, so that set of grandparents alternated.

I don't understand the modern trend for Christmas to just be the nuclear family. To me, Christmas is about grandparents too, bringing the generations together. But that's because of how I was brought up, I guess.

I'm grateful I had so many Christmases with grandparents, and I miss them now, many years on. Sorry you had to stay home just the two of you. That seems mean to me.

Have your Christmas the way you want it.

I do hope that all the parents here who don't invite their own parents for Christmas are fine with not spending Christmas with their own grandchildren, when the time comes...

Yes , this 100%. My DM is difficult but I would never leave her alone at Christmas.

I remember the saddest Christmas I had was the one when my grandmother died earlier that year. We, young adult children missed having her around the table so much. Christmas just wasn’t the same .

Now my children are teens I realise that your ‘nuclear’ family doesn’t stay that way for very long so careful what behaviours you model.

In saying that I do find grandparents who make demands OTT but it’s probably how they were brought up so around Christmas I tend to just keep everyone happy for the couple of days

Op, what @MissScarletInTheBallroom said.

Don't negotiate with terrorists.

We've been through this fire and the end is worth it believe me.
Accept that this is painful, what your doing is cutting the umbilical cord between you and dm and attaching your own to your own dc. So it will be painful.
However think of all the other Xmasses in future where you will be almost free to make your own choice

I'd hit back, I completely understand you're upset however I also can't understand why you can't see why as a newly married couple with two dc why we wouldn't want to start to have it in our own home.

I said we would come around later however I'm not sure about that now because I want xmas day to be fun

I won't discuss this further.

End of.

Ignore any message from sister and just think one less messages for next year or the year after.

I'd also be upset if my dc did what your doing but I'd also completely understand it and be very happy you offered to come around after.

Unfortunately it's behaviour like that that leads to people being cut out because it's so unreasonable and selfish.

Do Christmas how you want to.

The suggestion your DH shouldn't have Christmas dinner with his own children is ludicrous!

We have 26 people for Christmas. That's our way of doing things and we love it. It's a mish mash of relatives and in laws (some of the relatives bring in laws 😂). DH's cousin finds it waaaaay too much and overwhelming so she pops in for an hour or so and then has dinner with her husband just them. Not a single person gives her grief for it because it's her Christmas too!