To do our own Christmas dinner?

[Chrissstmasdinn]

So me and DH, married this year but have 3yo and 1yo. We’ve always went to either family for Christmas dinners - my mum has had more of us tbh as she’s quite pushy

We’re getting a dining table after we got rid of our island during new kitchen fitting so DH suggested why don’t we host our own dinner? Us and the kids

I liked this idea and still do! I mentioned to my family who’ve been mentioning Christmas dinners a bit and they’re fuming with me and DH

said it’s all him? That its mean of me that he should go to his mums and I should go to them with the kids?

AIBU to want to do my own dinner with my little family? We’d be going to see family before and after it

Stop being such a mummy's girl. Why do you need to do things her way? You've had children of your own, surely you are an adult who can decide what you want to do.
Let her fume, that's her problem!
You have such young kids, your life needs to revolve around them not your selfish and petulant mother.

My in-laws threatened to go to the other side of the world this year for Christmas because (and this is a direct quote): "We are now in a position financially where we could eat the kinds of food your wife (that's me) serves at Christmas ANY day of the year, if we wanted to. And that takes the shine off it. Also we don't want any gifts, because we are able to afford anything we want for ourselves any time."

I think they're missing the point of Christmas. But anyway...

I didn't bite and so they booked their flight. Buh-bye.

Too right.
Every year we see dozens of anxious posts from MNers worrying about being expected to go to their parents, or the in-laws, or grandparents or whatever, and feeling pulled in all directions trying to do what everyone else wants.
You’re a grown up OP, just tell them you’re staying at home this year and ignore their whining.

Very much agree with this. We don't like Christmas dinner here so we make a buffet. We're in Norway then anyway so I suppose easier (they do the 24th), but even when we've had the odd year here at home, it's the same. Pasties, hummus, crisps, cheese. Kids play with their toys in their pj's, we join in, stick telly on if we like. MiL comes around for the buffet but she's very good and brings her own pj's and joins in!

There's a whole week of meet ups, parties, and then all of the stuff in the run up to be social. Plus NYE. We just want one day that's completely for us, focusing on each other. I know people say "but you can do that any weekend", but it does feel different as it's Christmas Day. I like the company of my immediate family then!

Haha, what an excellent result!

We managed a rota, us, mum and dad and my in-laws. My in-laws would host gran as she found the kids too energetic. Once Mum died dad dropped out and has spent Christmas with my sis and her husbands ( one at a time) as she lives near him.

The my in-laws stopped coming as my MiL wanted to do Christmas dinner for the old folks (some of them were younger than her) Then they started coming over on boxing day. Finally my MiL was too ill to come to us and FiL never invited us to theirs.

Now all old adults have gone except my dad and we do a December visit to him and my sister.

Our family Christmas is now usually just the three of us but if DD and her husbands aren't working they'll come to us. If thing pan out next year we'll have both DD'S family and DS's family together

The point of my rambling is that Christmas traditions change over time. If you feel you want a quieter Christmas at home that's fine.

As far as I'm concerned as soon as I became an adult I did what suits me!

Why do so many people get twisted over what their parents want to them to do when they have their own children, come on woman up op and tell your mum how you are doing Christmas day, she can either accept a visit or you can stay home before and after dinner.... she's not the boss of you.

That is something I need tattooing on me
Don't negotiate with terrorists...I definitely need to adopt that theme

Make your own family traditions, I can't believe they'd expect your husband to be at his parents and you at theirs with the kids . You are your own family unit and get to do things your own way.

I really recommend you do this! The idea of travelling over Christmas with small children and carrying their presents etc is very stressful. I think you may get a lot of pushback from grandparents but once you have done it once you can set up new patterns of expectation.

Your mum sounds pretty controlling and suffocating. I'd just shrug and say "well that's what we're doing, you're welcome to come to us" and change the subject. If she pushes I'd probably snap and tell her she doesn't get to dictate the decisions I make about my own family and then walk out. Honestly life is way too short to pander to people like that, whether they're family members or not.

I just got a text off my sister “I don’t understand how you can’t see how it is hurtful”

along with saying I haven’t thought of any of them, they’re upset etc

I feel guilty but reading the replies here I need to not feel guilty and power through I assume?

Chrissstmasdinn · Today 12:53

I just got a text off my sister “I don’t understand how you can’t see how it is hurtful

That apple didn’t fall far from the tree, did it? Ignore. If they want to sulk and cut off their noses to spite their faces, that’s their business.

Definitely power through. Do what's best for your children as you're a mother now and they come first. Ridiculous that these grown adults are making it about themselves. Our dp's come to us/ cook/ pitch in because we have young kids and do everything to make it easier for us. So selfish to do this to you.

Do it before you end up with a lifelong obligation to go to family.

Do your own family Christmas dinner definitely. And see other family on Boxing day or other time. You are entitled to start your own traditions

So now there's flying monkeys guilt tripping you too.

No, OP. Stick to your guns, you don't have to dedicate the next 20 years of your life to sticking to someone else's tradition. Make your own. If you don't want to go, don't do it. Enjoy cooking together and letting the kids explore Christmas how their mum and dad want to do it, not how granny says it should be. She had her turn!

That's their problem, you are perfectly entitled to do things differently when you have your own children.

Offer the visit after or no visit at all, you and your husband are a family unit now they need to get used to it.

You said they are "fuming". So? Let them fume. Stay home, have a lovely Christmas in your own home sitting round your new dining table. Why are they all so desperate to have you with them?

And to point out about staying home it’s not our typical day. We always usually venture out(aside from potty training the eldest! Haha a long weekend inside)

So a day in would be a bit nice but it wouldn’t be the whole day if my family listens to our plans lol. We wanted to have dinner (12/1pm) then visit them after so we’d actually still see them? As they like 5 min drive or even more fun 10 min walks and Father Christmas (😂) is bringing DS a bike so he may want to ride it round to show it off!

but yeah it’s went down like a lead balloon as some would say

And I just keep getting hit with they’re allowed to be upset and I haven’t thought of anyone

Me and DH have always done this, even before kids, Xmas day is ours, Xmas eve and Boxing Day we do family stuff.

It's not even a discussion, if at any point anyone asked we just explained the above.

Did your dad still go back home to his mum and dad and the same with you, your sister and your mum back to her parents??

I didn't think so.

Things change, they can feel put out but it is still reasonable for you to do different things and create your own traditions.

And you have thought of everyone, that's why you offered to visit after dinner, point that out, you could have really not thought of them at all and said fuck off we will see you on Boxing day.

Power on through OP. And I would be so tempted to reply to your sister that you don't understand how she can't see that it's hurtful to suggest that you and your DH split up for Christmas day .

I've got adult DDs and I wouldn't dream of behaving like this OP. They have partners, but no children yet. I invite all of them to join us for Christmas day, and I would like nothing more, but follow it up with an acknowledgement that their partners have families who would also like to see them.

We always have Christmas Day with just the 3 of us. Once our DS was born it was very much our day on our terms. We wouldn’t even consider going to have dinner at another family member’s house.

Once you set the ground rules one year it soon becomes expected in subsequent years and ceases to be an issue.

It’s the same with holidays. They are for the 3 of us. I’ve never seen the appeal of going away with extended family either as a child or now as a parent myself.