To do our own Christmas dinner?

[Chrissstmasdinn]

So me and DH, married this year but have 3yo and 1yo. We’ve always went to either family for Christmas dinners - my mum has had more of us tbh as she’s quite pushy

We’re getting a dining table after we got rid of our island during new kitchen fitting so DH suggested why don’t we host our own dinner? Us and the kids

I liked this idea and still do! I mentioned to my family who’ve been mentioning Christmas dinners a bit and they’re fuming with me and DH

said it’s all him? That its mean of me that he should go to his mums and I should go to them with the kids?

AIBU to want to do my own dinner with my little family? We’d be going to see family before and after it

Yes they are allowed to be upset, but they are upset because you are thinking of your own little family and putting them before your mum.
Now you have your own children, you do what’s best for them, not for your mum who frankly sounds incredibly selfish. Your idea of your little one riding his bike to show nana sounds fabulous!

I would txt your sister…. I am doing what’s best for my family. We are very happy to come and visit in the afternoon. But if that doesn’t suit you then fine.
Your mum needs a good talking to!

So you are actually seeing them on Christmas Day?
Bloody hell. Are they this dramatic about everything?

Laugh at her. "Don't be ridiculous, I'm having dinner with my husband and children, not moving to Australia. 🤣"

Your DM can't have it both ways, she can't claim it's important to have Christmas in her home with her kids and her family around her, but then say to you, a fellow mum, that it shouldn't be important to have Christmas in your home with your kids and your family around you.

Christmas is either a time when kids stay with their mum at their home or it isn't; which one is she claiming?

Yes, this is emotional blackmail. She’s manipulating you. Once you can see that, it’s much easier to ignore. She’s the problem not you.

They always conveniently miss that point, don’t they!

Does your mum provide regular childcare to your children? Is that why she thinks she should be seeing them open presents in their pajamas etc, not be excluded from the fun part of children?

100%, it's time for you to have Christmas Day at home, as a family.

Your children are getting to the really magical age - about 3 onwards - when it's nice for them to have their presents under their own Christmas tree. Time for you to start your own traditions around food and rituals and activities,

Go to relatives on Boxing Day.

So your parents want their DGC to spend Christmas Day without their Dad! Is this what happened when you were little OP - you and siblings went with DM to her parents and DF went to his? Somehow I doubt that.

Oh FFS your family are bonkers!

It is the natural progression of a family to start having their own family Xmas Dinner in their own home. Your own Mum must have done it (unless every Xmas was spent at her Mums until she died)!

Just ignore the puerile wailing. Have a wonderful dinner at yours and start your own traditions.
If they don't want you to call round later stuff 'em.

Utterly bizarre and ridiculous.

Yep that’s my point. I said numerous times we’d pop round after our dinner (which we’d have mid day time ish) and even stay for a bit

It is just doing dinner on our own , so really it’s not even bad🤣 it’s just the dinner alone

they said it’s like I don’t want to see them. I told them, for the 20 millionth time, we’d still come and see them😂

I dare even ask them to come and see us. Imagine the other uproar

This! A completely normal activity, do they not know any other families, neighbours, friends??

I’ve learned that my DC hated having people round at Christmas and felt they had to perform to keep people happy.

Of course you’ve got to suck up stuff you don’t want to do, but there’s a limit.

This year I’m letting my DC have the Christmas they want which they’ve told me involving eating all day, opening presents, watching movies and lying on the sofa.

And after the falling out they cause this year, when there's sour faces when you do turn up, they'll wonder why next year you don't visit at all.

Which I bloody wouldn't with this kind of behaviour!

Does your mum provide regular childcare to your children?

I feel this is a crucial piece of information in your question for approbation of your decision to have them merely "visit" her on Christmas Day.

Why though?
Does providing childcare mean that you have to cater to grandparents wishes - regardless of your own family wishes

No. But it means that if you're doing the grunt work of looking after small children (a lot of it is grunt work at that age), when you're old enough to be a grandmother and it isn't your job and they're your actual grandchildren, the least you could do as a grateful parent is include them in a FAMILY day, not just visit them like they're extended family or friends.

I mean, would YOU do it? When you live nearby? On Christmas day?

It's not about the grandparents being entitled to anything; it's about the parents being generous given the circumstances.

Oh dear OP, sounds like your mum is a carbon copy of mine and dh's mothers. Even before we got married the demands about Christmas began and DH and I decided that Christmas Day would be our day right from the start. We only ever changed on one occasion after we had dcs,when we thought we'd invite them to come to us. For reason won't go into (too long), it was a disaster and we reverted to our previous plans the following year and every year after. Both our mums complained, but that one year showed us we were right to focus on our dcs.
You do Christmas the way you want. Your dcs will thank you for it later. Now they are adults, mine make it very clear they appreciate the Christmases of their childhood.

I would happily give childcare and still be more than welcoming of my adult child having their own Christmas with their own family.

No bother at all. I was told the same thing by my dad who helped with childcare (mum wad dead). He did it for the first two years of DS being born until he died. Came to us late in the day to share our buffet as we changed tradition and didn't do Christmas dinner. He was proud that I'd made my own way.

Lunch at home , Christmas tea at relatives - last four years we have done our own thing at lunch time and all come together for Christmas tea and games and it works great

i can't believe your mother thinks your husband should forego seeing his children on Christmas day to please her! She is puddled ! Start as you mean to go on and stay home all day. I wouldn't visit them at all.tbh

Do not go to the relatives on Boxing Day this year as this become another pattern where you have to go there on BD forever!

After a particularly awful traffic on a journey one year involving the A303 past Stonehenge on the day after Boxing Day, combined with then-toddler DS having a tummy bug, DH and I decided enough was enough of being guilted into spending Christmas away from home.

YANBU. Stick to your plan. Ignore the emotional blackmail. As a PP said, tell your mum 'We are spending Christmas Day at home this year' and repeat as often as is required.

Whatever you decide to do on Christmas Day isn't "bad". Your relatives don't own the day.
If you decided to go abroad for a holiday at Christmas that would be fine too. Thousands of people do that.
The issue is their sense of entitlement - they think you should do what they want, not what you want - and your misplaced sense of obligation.

OP ask your Mum at what stage did she start doing Xmas Dinner at her house with her own children and DH?