To ask what you wish you’d done (or not done) when planning a funeral?

[Canyoudigityesyoucan]

I am planning a funeral for the first time for an elderly grandparent.

I would appreciate any advice on what you wish you’d done when arranging a funeral or what you wish you hadn’t done. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, and I want to do it right.

I wish we hadn’t served so much alcohol at the house afterwards. It turned into a party which was unfair on the widow.

Father's funeral - I wish I hadn't invited my brother, who had had no contact with Father for five years, turned up mob handed with a tribe of children and grandchildren, several of whom had never met my father, despite living relatively close by..

I wish I’d asked the hearse to not drive so slowly. I absolutely HATED crawling along with a snake of traffic stuck behind us. My dad would have hated it too.

My brother and I were tasked with getting mcdonalds for my 4 year old niece. Then got told off for not getting fish fingers (they gave us nuggets). So we had to leave my Dads wake, go to McDs, and come back only to be berated. You are not responsible for any of that shit. Delegate, or ignore.

100% glad we did catering at home, and not grab stuff ourselves, glad we hired a lady to run the ceremony, so we didn't have to stand and talk.

My dad funeral was mid-Covid so light on attendance but happy to have taken some stress off with the above.

Sorry for your loss.
No major advice, just follow their wishes as best as you can with the information you have.

We were advised by officiant to consider the order of the service to minimise the standing up / sitting down as many elderly attendees. Noticed at subsequent funerals this hadn't been thought of and people were up/down/up from seats.

Good ideas - book a good celebrant. They just come and have a chat to you and your loved ones and weave their magic and present a lovely narration on the day.
It is also good to have a printed order of service but the lady funeral I went to it was a 6 page fold out brochure. It was too much and it costs a fortune.
The after party, as my dad called it - cold day so made sure there was some hot food. Don’t bother with a free bar, maybe by the first drink but let everyone get their own.
I am not tight by the way but even basic funerals cost a fortune now!
Funeral directors are pretty good once you meet they take a lot of the weight from you.
Try and include some meaningful stuff about your grandad, especially songs he liked, a bit of his personal history, and stories.
Best advice I was ever given from another lady - get some waterproof mascara! It’s

Your funeral director can give you lots of advice and support. Did they leave their wishes?
your vicar/ celebrant can help. Don’t force anyone to do anything - ie speak unless they want to. See if it can be streamed so distant family etc can watch.
A collection of photos is lovely.

We also printed the order of service (just on an a4 but in booklet style)

we paid for a musician and they sang their favourite song. Was incredibly moving. Outsource as much of the work as you can.

Thank you all lots of good ideas here!

I have met a funeral director already but am astounded at the cost of everything. I’m trying to maintain a sensible head and deliver on the essentials whilst still making it feel special. My Nanna wouldn’t have wanted us to spend huge sums. She didn’t have a funeral plan so we need to start from scratch.

Have the wake some where that is not your home so when you’ve had enough or feel overwhelmed you can leave

Ask who wants to speak on behalf of certain groups eg siblings, grandchildren whoever it might be have one representative who will collect memories from that group

Don't have hymns that have really high notes. It is more difficult to sing when you are upset.

Keep her voice in your head as you plan. Flowers can be a huge expense- family only and donations to her chosen charity is a good idea.

@thesandwich thats insanely helpful. Thank you

We were able to have a slide show of photos as part of the service - we gave in a USB, I think, but it’s probably all digital now. It meant we were able to have a nice range of photos without having to get them all printed and displayed somewhere.

If you are having hymns, make sure they are well-known ones - e.g. All Things Bright and Beautiful or Morning Has Broken. Don't have the catering afterwards in your own home, unless you really want to - it just adds to the stress for you. Even alhtough it's quite expensive, let a local hotel do soup and sandwiches, then you have no cooking, serving or washing up to do. Gather together some photos of your Nanna at various stages of her life, and make a display board or if you have access to a pc, a slide show. Make sure that positive memories will be shared by the celebrant or vicar - make this a happy celebration of her life. Make sure people know what the dress code is - I've been caught out several times wearing black to funerals when the family wanted colourful clothes to be worn. I hope it goes well - sorry for your loss

If your person is going into an already established plot, go a couple of days before the funeral and give it a tidy up.

I'm sorry for your loss OP
Having as much planned before they die is obviously much easier. What songs they like/don't like as a start, whether they'd want Aunt Maud there, what flowers they like/don't like etc. I don't mean asking them pointedly, but in general conversation beforehand. If this wasn't the case, can family members help with hymn/song recommendations?

Maybe not done so much now, but commonly, the funeral was 'advertised' in the local paper. This has a fee, and the funeral director used to add their own advertisement logo/contact details at the bottom of the advert! IF you feel the need to place a notification in a newspaper, do so it separately to the funeral director!

Use flowers in season if possible because they are much cheaper than exotic orchids in December in the UK etc!

Have the wake separate to your own home- pub, club, cafe etc. As others have said, you can leave when you like and there is no stress of people traipsing through your house using the loo, pressure of catering etc.

I've planned 3. The best was the one with a humanist celebrant.

For one of the C of S funerals, I had the celebrant telling me that I couldn't have specific non-religious music played when I wanted it played. For the humanist funeral, there was no such difficulty.

I had a family member trying to interfere with the music for the last funeral I organised, after it had all been arranged. They'd been given the chance to listen to the selected music, but had told me that they "couldn't bear" to listen it yet. Then, once I'd had the music edited and sent to the crem in the proper format, suddenly insisted that I use different music for one of the three slots. They couldn't tell me what actual music they wanted "Oh, you'll know better what they would have liked..."

I did. So I said "I'll see what I can do," and went ahead with the music I'd planned. (By that stage, it would have been impossible for me to have the music edited again.)

If you're in charge of planning the funeral, OP, you get the final say in the arrangements.

i paid for funeral notices in the local paper, but most funeral directors in my locality now put the funeral notices on FB and there's no charge for that.

My mum died in hospital and was taken by the funeral directors to the crematorium by the most direct route. I really wished that she had been driven there via the front of her house. I felt sad that she had never gone home from hospital.

the funeral director used to add their own advertisement logo/contact details at the bottom of the advert!

The reason they do this is to make charity donations easier. They also get a discount and ours passed it on.

@JosieRay I feel similarly but pretty shocked to see our funeral directors charge for this with the additional mileage! I know it’s not about money but trying to think with my head versus heart.