To ask what you wish you’d done (or not done) when planning a funeral?

[Canyoudigityesyoucan]

I am planning a funeral for the first time for an elderly grandparent.

I would appreciate any advice on what you wish you’d done when arranging a funeral or what you wish you hadn’t done. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, and I want to do it right.

I’ve never attended a funeral with a good celebrant. At the last one, for my uncle, the celebrant got my grandparents’ names wrong (one name completely wrong, the other mispronounced) and the rest of his family were not mentioned at all. Yes, the celebrant is only as good as the information they are given but none of them actually knew the deceased and none of them spoke with feeling.
I believe at least one of my children and my nephew would speak, as well as my husband. Therefore no live streaming

Circumstances can take you by surprise. My dad's funeral was during lockdown and it was a great comfort to me to know that all the people who'd have been in the room, if things were different, were still there remotely and joining with me in mourning him. When I spoke about him I knew people were there with me in spirit and listening.

That's shocking OP. When I was a funeral arranger I always asked if the family wanted the hearse to go straight from our premises to the crem/church, or if they wanted it to go via the home. We also offered to drive by any favourite place eg social club, workplace, if it wasn't to far off route. We didn't charge for any of this.

I've seen a few people mention adverts. All funeral directors have access to something called MuchLoved.com. The FD can create a memorial page for your loved one that includes all the details of the funeral and wake. They can add a direct link for donations to charity too. Everyone you send a link to the site to can add photos or their personal memories to the page, so it becomes a lasting memorial. The page is yours forever and doesn't expire after the funeral. Some FDs will charge to set it up, but believe me it takes just a few minutes and we never charged. Challenge them if they do.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I sorted through their photographs and purchased an album , put them in and left it on a table at the wake and it did the rounds of the people there . The photos showed them from very young up to the more present.
People made the comment that they enjoyed seeing them .

That is so horrible - and unforgiveable imho.

Obviously, the celebrant almost certainly didn't know the deceased, but how difficult is it to have their name in huge letters on the podium or their notes, where only they can see it - maybe also written phonetically if a foreign, different culture or unusual/variable pronunciation name that they may not instinctively be familiar with?

My Mum went to one of her Aunt's funerals (either before I was born or I was too young to go/know) and she later told me, disgusted, that the vicar kept referring to her Aunt using male pronouns.

I can only assume that he had a copy of the standard OOS, which probably (at that time) used a default 'he' - and he couldn't be bothered to even keep a second copy with female pronouns or add a prompt to remember that he was celebrating the life of a woman.

Horrifically disrespectful and dismissive; what a way to clearly show the grieving family that you really don't care in the least.

My dad was the first of that generation of relations on both sides of our family to die. My DS wrote the eulogy and gave it to the celebrant to read. It didn't seem right to me at the funeral, so we have since lost all the other 3 of out parents, and my brother, and I took it upon myself to read the eulogy. It is difficult, and hard to get through it without choking up at some points, but I feel it is so much better than having a stranger tell the anecdotes that gives life to the deceased. So my recommendation, is to get one of the family to read and write the eulogy.

I agree with this. Nobody (who matters) is going to judge you in the least for tearing up at your loves one's memorial service.

An alternative option, if you want the eulogy in your voice but fear that you'll be unable to get through it, is to record it in advance and play the recording on the day. That way, you can take as many goes as you like to get it right - or even just read a sentence or two at a time, with s oause afterwards, and then edit them all together later.

Direct Cremation and a celebration of their life somewhere of your choice with music and photos.I think the funeral directors prey on vulnerability and guilt people into equating how much one spends with how much the person was valued. All that it's £500 more for the oak effect coffin etc and the cars for the family are just v expensive taxis. I think its all outdated and there are many options these days to have whatever you want. 💐

Don't feel that you have to spend £££. Even the best will upsell.

• just the crematorium service is enough. You don't need church too unless Nana was a regular attender
• photos and eulogies are lovely
• seagrass coffins are lovely and much more environmentally friendly. Look better too.
• talk about things she achieved and the essence of her at the funeral. Leave a lasting impression of her.

This is a really good point. When planning my Dad’s funeral we originally said we
didn’t want the hearse arriving at the house, we wanted picking up and to meet him at the church. It was a friend of mine who mentioned them not having been home,
and how nice it is for their last journey to start from their home.

This may be controversial to some, but don’t think too hard about what they would have wanted. The funeral ain’t for them, it’s for those who are grieving. Obviously don’t go for things you things you know they would have hated, but think about what will help those who are there on the day.

We were blown away by the amount of donations instead of flowers. If you do opt for donations, make sure the charity is aware. We had a lovely letter from the charity that we chose for my Dad which I think my Mum really appreciated.

Looking back, I’d be kinder and more alert to the wider family’s pace of grief. Not everyone responds in the same way. One of my siblings barely remembers our father’s funeral. Another got deeply upset at the more light-hearted memories people shared at the wake, feeling it was no time for laughter. Can you have a family meeting to plan things out quietly, to involve those who want a role, and to consider those who feel they can’t? Having a consensus, without coming across as ‘the organiser’, is something I would, on reflection, do better.

When writing the eulogy, try to mention funny shared memories the deceased person had in common with close friends and family, rather than a dry purely factual list of dates/events. It will be nice for them and you to remember the positive, funny and uplifting times. Try to include the main and most meaningful people and experiences of/in their life when writing it.

If you're going to include others you might want to give them a heads up.
I went to a funeral of a family friend and my (late) dad was mentioned in the eulogy. It was a lovely touch and i was honoured they thought enough of him to mention but it took me by surprise

We had fairly modest flowers and asked for donations to Parkinson’s and RNLI at my dads and the wake was at a local social club catered and hot drinks but no free bar or anything , I designed the order of service and read a poem then a bit of a eulogy which is something I’d always wanted to do. Before his funeral we went for a final drive around the local harbour where he fished from and that was a nice touch

I'm helping to organise a family funeral atm, having done one a few years ago as well, and I wish people would share their wishes - it's really really stressful to try and figure out music/poems/photos etc.

I disagree. I enjoyed thinking about what music and readings to include in my parents' funerals. It gave me something practical to focus on, which I found helpful, and in both cases I was confident that the funerals reflected their personalities and that they were how they would have wanted them to be

With my mother's in particular I had a strong sense of her looking down on us and giving approving nods!

Having said that, my father always used to say that funerals were for the living not the dead. So actually the most important thing is what the primary mourners want, not what the dead person wanted.

Wished I'd proof read the order of service properly. Read it in the undertakers to make sure everything was ok. "Yep that's fine" I said.
So they printed them off .
So I'm sitting there at my mum's funeral holding onto the order of service and glanced down at it. Wrong date of birth. By a month . Oh ffs I thought although I was upset, I know my mum would not have cared one jot and nobody else including my son would have noticed it.

If you’re doing a reading, practice it a few times beforehand so you feel confident. I did a reading for a relative earlier this year and one particular word was a bit of a tongue twister so I was glad I’d practiced.

I wish we'd asked for a vague idea of who was coming. My dad's funeral was so busy some people couldn't even get in the room at the crematorium and we massively under-catered at the after bit. I felt a bit bad for the people who made the effort to come then couldn't even see the celebrant.

We scanned and printed off photos of my parents for their funerals - that way they could be passed around without worrying about losing/damaging the originals. We chose photos from throughout their lives that tied in with the eulogies, grouped them together on PowerPoint and printed out on A4 photo paper, so we had six or seven sheets with photos showing them at different ages/events. We put them on the table at the door of the hall and then took them to the do afterwards. The celebrant thought it was great!

At my mums service the crematorium didn’t have an organist, the hymns were pre-recorded with the words sung by a congregation. It was the first time I’d heard it done like that and it worked really well - the singing is usually pretty tentative at a funeral but having the singing playing on the speakers seemed to encourage people and filled the space better. It was really nice.

Finally try not to stress too much - if something goes wrong it’s not the end of the world. The day is about celebrating your grandparent and sharing memories with people who loved her, so take your time to do that.

There used to be a joke shop in our town back in the 80s. Sold fake dog poo Itching powder, stink bombs etc DB and i bought some itching powder and snuck some into a pair of Dads trousers. Later on that evening he squirmed and wriggled in his arm chair and asked DM if she had changed the washing powder for a different one

Yes, don't be afraid to include little memories and mentions about amusing quirks they may have had. Obviously nothing embarrassing, upsetting or disrespectful whatsoever - but just silly, harmless things that will make people who knew them smile and pause to remember the irreplaceable character whom they loved and whom they're now finally bidding farewell.

Did they never manage to make it down the high street in less than an hour, even when just going for a bottle of milk, as they'd always bump into a friend, acquaintance (or stranger!) and lose track of the time in chatting; did they have a mild obsession with Tipping Point and always have a carefully worked-out strategy that they eagerly shared as to whether they should have taken the trade or the money; did they have a strict personal rule that they never, ever wore blue on a Thursday?! etc. etc.

Of course, you want to hear all the facts about achievements about their life, but it's often the insignificant, silly stuff that makes people realise that it's OK to laugh out loud at something their loved one would have laughed along with, were they still here, even at a funeral.

I know it's a cliche, but it's absolutely true nevertheless: it's a celebration of a treasured person and their wonderful life, and all that they meant to you and enriched your life for the privilege of having known them; not an enforced non-stop glumfest.

Op we had a celebrant for my mum's funeral. I was going to speak but was too choked up. Also have the hymns etc already recorded.....then if noone wants to sing you still have some music. Sorry for your loss x

Instead of sending florist flowers, we asked people to bring a bunch of flowers from their garden. We had a group of baskets at the church for people to put them in and it looked lovely.

I nearly fell into a trap because I didn't realise that the time they give you for a crematorium service is so short. I found out by chance that they only allowed twenty minutes, so I booked a double-length service. My piece of advice is: check the length of time you're going to be allowed.

I've organised two funerals - a church service and a humanist service. Both the C of E vicar and the Humanist celebrant were absolutely brilliant (they were both women). I think it's important to meet the celebrant who will be taking the service and have a decent long talk.

During lockdown, our crematorium wouldn't allow any copyright music (because of the webcast). Luckily, I had a recording of my husband singing.

I found three appropriate songs and we used that for the service. It worked well, particularly since we also heard my husband introducing each song.