To ask what you wish you’d done (or not done) when planning a funeral?

[Canyoudigityesyoucan]

I am planning a funeral for the first time for an elderly grandparent.

I would appreciate any advice on what you wish you’d done when arranging a funeral or what you wish you hadn’t done. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, and I want to do it right.

I had to organise two funerals in 2 months and there certainly were a few learning points.
Arrive early at the venue, don't leave any chance of being delayed or late. Meet and greet the other mourners before the service if possible.
Think carefully about what your relative will wear, we found this was a great way of taking our relatives wishes into account.
I got really cold at the first funeral, make sure you bring a warm coat. Have a particular time or place where you met mourners.I stated to speak with people outside the chapel and couldn't get back in to the tea. Try and get the rest of your family to help identify those who attend and to speak with them , otherwise it gets exhausting.

Find a celebrant who will talk about your person (I went to one where they kept referring to ‘she’ and not using name. It was a man).
All caskets are serviceable. Don’t spend on an expensive one with metal handles.
Unless it’s part of your culture, you can be restrained with refreshments. Have enough, of course, but it’s not for everyone to get drunk.
in my experience, funeral companies charge to transport the person. If I wanted to view, I was going to pay to move them from the funeral storage area to the viewing and back.
we didn’t get big flowers. We bought flowers they liked, and everyone who wanted to placed a flower on the casket,
Then, we thought of the person. Dressed in their comfy clothes, placed things that they liked doing (book, magazine, favourite chocs etc) with them. We were happy that they had familiar things.
played sings that they liked. For one who loved bagpipes, we got a piper to play who did a fade away (walking off playing). It was lovely.

Don't do the catering at your own house/ The deceased persons house - always go for somewhere neutral like a (golf) club or local hotel/pub. Cater for some food, but not drinks. So maybe choose somewhere close to the cemetary/crematorium?

Good luck. It's a horrible time

Both of my Parents were religious so we chose the Church where they both worshipped (That's what they both wanted so It wasn't for myself/my brother to refuse that - we had to do what our parents wanted). The Vicar (who was the same on both occasions) respected that my brother/myself and probably weren't religious and we were very happy with both services

Photos are great afterwards at the wake. Gets people talking and remembering. Make sure someone talks about the life of the person and their interests at the funeral. Music - you don't need hymns. You don't need people to sing along... my cousin specified Bon Jovi, Livin' on a Prayer, at her funeral - her sister had a lone piper at hers.

DH's best friend went for political songs, one of them was "Masters of War" by Bob Dylan and he had "This could be the Last Time" by the Rolling Stones. If you can't make people listen to you when you are alive, they'll have to at your funeral!! And it gives something else to talk about and ponder...

A funeral's sad, but it's also an appreciation of the life events and important issues the person encountered.

Think about how elderly they were... what music was popular, were they religious?

Make sure that the celebrant uses your loved one's preferred name. I went to a funeral where the celebrant kept saying Catherine or Katie, when everyone knew the deceased as Kat. (Not real names).
I wish I had slapped 2 of my DMs so called friends after the funeral of my dad. One who was making snide comments about us using M&S platters for the catering, when she would have prepared everything herself if it were her. The other who got drunk and outstayed her welcome. My dad didn't like her and only put up with her because she was mum's friend.

I put a great deal of thought into my Mum’s funeral. I wanted it to be beautiful and chose all the music with great care. The only thing I regret is not having the church choir as, like a lot of funerals, people didn’t join in enthusiastically with the hymns.

When my father died years ago, I had been seriously ill and had only just come out of hospital, so I wasn't in a fit state to help with the funeral planning. Other family members were too upset to think it through so there were many things missed - for instance, there was no service booklet, so it seemed a bit haphazard as there was nothing to "follow" during the service.

When my mother died we were much more united as a family and so we could support each other as we planned the funeral, so much better. We had the service in the church where our parents married, and printed a lovely service sheet with a picture of my mother on the cover - it also served as a memento of her life.

For the service, other posters are right, use hymns that are well known so that people can sing. We asked a priest known to the family to take the service so it was easier to ask for what we wanted. We wanted to write our own eulogy instead of a long monologue by the priest - that was really important to us - I spent hours practising it the night beforehand so I could deliver it without getting upset halfway through. We also chose a beautiful piece of music to be played and a poem to be read.

I agree with not having the catering at home. It really is too much else to think of. We all went to a local venue that happily provided a simple buffet and a nicely decorated room, it was such a relief to let someone else look after the whole thing and it gave us chance to console each other and grieve.

If you take photographs, be sure not to use the originals - in case of mishaps.

You don’t need a funeral procession of big black cars following a hearse. Just meet the coffin at the crematorium or church. An undertaker described such a journey as the longest one and we decided not to do it.

as with wedding don’t feel that you need to have all the traditional things such as a paid for notice in a local paper. It doesn’t mean that your grief or respect for relative is any less.

Unless the family home is miles away (think 20+) you shouldn't be charged for the hearse leaving the family home.

Re think funeral directors. You do have the choice.

This is true to extent except the part about funeral directors 'preying' on people.

Funeral directors traditional and none traditional services. As with weddings the more you ask for the more it costs.

You absolutely can have a 'direct cremation' and all funeral directors offer this. However PLEASE do go to a funeral directors for the service. Do not go to these large companies who pay thousands for advertising campaigns. They are not funeral directors, they do not treat people with dignity and respect and are the next big scandal waiting to happen.

And to the person who suggested listing the wake online on 'much loved' absolutely do not do this. It will result in undesirable who do not know your relative attending for the free food.

I've attended a few live screened funerals and they are always focused on the ceremony, never ever the attendees.

Definitely yes to streaming. It meant that several of my dad's elderly relatives were able to watch.

Also agree with going to the local hotel after rather than your home. They do this regularly and will be able to provide tea/coffee, soup, sandwiches, sausage rolls, etc. It also means you can leave when you want and don't have the burden of clearing up. This was a godsend for my mum, who was devastated by the loss of my dad and hadn't slept for days. She was able to show her face for an hour before leaving rather than having to spend the rest of the day hosting everyone. People who wanted to drink could buy one at the bar.

A good singer. The church gave us a list of people locally and we picked a guy and his pianist who were absolutely perfect and who did this sort of thing in that church all the time.

Direct cremation followed by a memorial service when you are ready
celebrant was a good idea to organise things on the day
don’t get talked into things by a salesman(funeral director)

My mum has it all organised for hers.

She is fit and well by the way.

Pre paid plan, straight to cremation, no flowers thank you very much, way too expensive and a waste.
No one she has never met talking about her.
No crap music including “bloody shit hymns “ wailing out annoying everyone (her words!!)

Stick me wherever you want to, scatter me if you like, I’m not arsed, whatever is cheapest and easiest. (Her words).

She has a will and a little savings account for us all, a couple of grand each as she hasn’t anything to leave, not a rich woman.

Also doesn’t give a shiny shite about what anyone else would like, it’s what she wants after a lifetime of thinking of every other bugger so everyone else can get lost! (Her words).

Everything paperwork wise we practically need in a top drawer in her house.

Done. The end. Simple, economical and exactly what she wants.

Got to admire & respect that.

Ask to see the vicar's/celebrant's notes on the deceased after your talk about them. Our vicar got facts wrong which he then used in church. I wanted to check his notes, my siblings talked me out of it, and trusted him to get it all right, and of course he did not. Ask for it, even if it feels embarrassing.

They charge per mile????
Get a simple/direct cremation and then have a celebration of her life shortly afterwards. That way, there is no argument about hymns, order of service, prayers, etc.
Funeral directors are just money-grabbing shysters, no matter how polite and obsequious they are. It is an extortion with menaces business. All they do is up-sell, and charge a fortune for a process which in essence, is not expensive.

One funeral I attended, the deceased was a gardener. When he died, he had trays of seedings in his greenhouse. His DW brought them to the wake and asked guests to take them and plant them in their own gardens to remember him. We had a lovely display of sweet peas that year. At another the son gave the priest details of his deceased DM mentioning that his mum liked a bet on the Grand National. The priest made it sound like gambling was his DMs greatest joy. So be careful you don't over emphasise any traits if using a stranger to do the eulogy.

Well, you’ll never please everyone…

My BIL had this and I think it is much better. I have paid in advance for one and have started to give some favourite photos to my daughter so that they can be displayed.

I used an independent funeral director for a close relative's funeral. They were lovely and kind but there were a few unnecessary expenses looking back. Like flowers - we bought expensive ones which just ended up going to waste. Similarly - go for the least expensive coffin. Make/print your own order of services. It's only after the funeral you realise the unnecessary costs. Ultimately it's a business for the funeral directors. They are experts in managing it for you. The one I used was lovely. But they won't try to talk you out of going for expensive options so you need to be decisive with what you want. A wake is nice but again you can offer tea/coffee and a selection of cakes rather than a complete spread. As long as people know what to expect food-wise you don't need to spend a fortune.

Think about the timing. If the funeral is 9am Monday morning then a number of people will go straight back to work. If it's 2pm Friday many will go for the after part at the pub / club etc. This will have a bearing on numbers.

This is good advice and also means you are not left dealing with grief and a massive clear up operation.

Consider the day and time of the funeral.
Monday morning may seem odd but it works well if you have family travelling a long way and staying overnight on Saturday and/or Sunday. Can spend time together, doing last minute bits and pieces and reminiscing. And then guests can travel home in the afternoon.

Ask if the crematorium has access to pre-recorded music. We had time to go through the library and play extracts to help select a version.

Also if it can do a slideshow/video. Again, we had time to go through photos and upload with a music track. All this was managed by the crematorium service.

Ask if any family members wish to do the eulogy. Adult grandchildren can be very good at this, at ease with stepping up. And quite candid.

Streaming is a great innovation especially for including friends and family too frail or too far away to travel. Just ensure they have the details in advance to share with tech-savvy carers. It doesn't have to be shared publicly.