To ask what you wish you’d done (or not done) when planning a funeral?

[Canyoudigityesyoucan]

I am planning a funeral for the first time for an elderly grandparent.

I would appreciate any advice on what you wish you’d done when arranging a funeral or what you wish you hadn’t done. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, and I want to do it right.

If you decide to cater at home ask a friend or two to come in and help.

I did my dads funeral my way.

we had a direct cremation, a short service around his coffin, just me, dh and the children. It was ten mins, we played his favourite songs, and then we went home. None of the hearse nonsense just for the 5 of us. We met them at the crem. No flowers as he hated me wasting money, and funerals really are a racket. The price of the coffins they tried to flog me for a bloody cremation was laughable.

We got his ashes back, they stayed in the house for a while then a few months later last summer, we had them buried in the church he was christened in. The vicar did a lovely grave side service, his favourite music was played, again just me, dh and the kids. That was his real funeral, in the church yard where all his grandparents are, with his grandchildren there.

We had watched him die an terrible death from dementia. He’d been in a home for 3 years. I’d begged his friends and his brother for help but they all abandoned him. I was the one dealing with the trauma of 3 years of fighting for his dignity in a home, then siting alone with him for 5 days watching him die and agonising death. No one gave a shit then.

What I’m saying is, do it for you. No one else. One of his friends said I’d been selfish. And so what?

The only people that would have gained from a huge production would have been the funeral directors and people pretending to care when they’d left him to rot when I needed them.

I’m happy I did what I did.

My best friend from school's funeral was huge. She came from a big family and worked as a doctor, so between NHS staff and family members there were hundreds there. The awful thing was that the crematorium, in a high population density area, timetabled funerals on the hour every hour, which meant that each service has to be cleared out within 45 minutes. There were lots of tributes at the service, of course, then the logistics of getting everyone out and shaking hands with her family and chatting to other bereaved relatives, meant that the crematorium staff were literally shouting at mourners to get a move on and clear the area. I found it very distressing, as I'm sure the family did. Not all the mourners could stay for the wake in a local hotel, as they were on NHS shifts and had to get back, so they had no chance to give their condolences to the family. So, my tip is to find out how long you get in the church, chapel of rest or crematorium, and allow a minimum of an hour for the whole thing, i.e. service and chatting to people outside afterwards. Don't let yourselves be rushed.

Making sure my mums coffin went from her home ( my childhood home ) and not my sisters house round the corner !
regret , as it was a short route to church which we walked as a family when we were children, not walking behind the coffin , letting the funeral directors and my sister stop me x

That's a good point. There are two crematoria in my region and the norm is half an hour. I didn't realise until a friend arranged her partner's funeral that the council will allow you to book and pay for a double spot.

Some years ago, I attended a former colleague's funeral. He was a retired Pipe Major and his cortege was led by a pipe band made up solely of Pipe Majors from across the country.

Afterwards, there was a bit of a hubbub as people from pipe bands caught up with one another; the funeral director had to ask people to move on to make way for the next funeral.

As we headed for our cars round the back, the guard of honour for the next funeral was forming at the front door: umpteen Jedi, Princess Leia and a Wookie, all armed with light sabres.

I’ve realised this thread is older than I thought , I hope you have had the funeral already and all went well xx recently my mil died and I’d say after that keep the locations of church, crematorium and wake close together ,

This is what we did for my mum and sister, so much nicer not having to worry about others, awkward family encounters, speaking infront of others. we could just grieve, cry, not be "on". It was so nice and chilled.

The one thing I'd caution is that the family should check whether they're allowed to be in attendance.

I know someone who was dismayed to discover that the particular crematorium didn't allow family to be present at a direct cremation.

It’s very clear when you book the packages.

The cheapest is no family at the crem.

The next price up is a ten minute slot for X number of guests.

I don’t know how it would be a shock, you go through everything when you book and pay for it. It would have had to have been quite some mistake, IME, they checked and double checked everything and we had it all in writing and were called quite a few times to go through it all.

So actually something I did is what I'm going to contribute. The vicar from my parish did the service at the crematorium. She said that having 3 tributes to my Dad - myself and my son reading a eulogy and a photographic collage to music might be too long and our eulogies could be shorter. I said we'd say slightly less. We didnt and it was perfect

Thank you. That's a very useful explanation.

It may well be that they didn't read over everything properly.

We lost my DSis recently and her funeral was at the beginning of the month. She didn’t want a religious funeral so we all wrote our memories down, dug out some old photos and BIL chose a reading and a poem. She had already chosen the music she wanted.
The celebrant knew her really well and chose to read out our contributions in full.
It was a beautiful ceremony and the undertakers had put a slide show together with music.
The wake was held in the same venue as her wedding reception and catered by a local bakery who also knew her.
It was exactly what she wanted.
Try to delegate as much as you can so that you can relax. Having the wake somewhere other than home means you are not left to clear up and you don’t have try and get rid of people when you’ve had enough.
I thought I would have been able to read my own memories but I hadn’t realised how overwhelmed I would feel.
Her coffin was a lovely wicker one which somehow helped. I can’t explain why but it just seemed right.

We had asked that they didn’t draw the curtain around her at the end so we could all approach the coffin as we left. It was lovely to just touch the wicker coffin, so tactile. As I said it felt just right. And I think many of the mourners did the same. I’ve never been hugged by so many people.

I think being able to walk away rather than see her disappear behind a curtain was a more natural process and one I have experienced at other funerals.

The funeral is just a big goodbye and helps with the grieving process. I have to admit that it is the first one where I have completely broken down before it started. I was with my DSis for the last 3 days of her life and along with my other sibling and BIL we didn’t leave her on her own during her last month. It was a rather quick death after a terminal diagnosis that came out of the blue. It was good to complete the whole process both DSis and I couldn’t really process it while her body was still at the undertakers. We lost our parents when we were much younger so we know how it will go over the next few months, but with our parents we were not in a position to spend as much time with them as they were dying.

Do what you want to do. You don’t have to spend a fortune. Simple flowers are ok. People don’t expect a three course meal. Traditionally, in our family, it was cream cakes and tea. You don’t have to serve alcohol. No one will judge you.

The most important thing is to follow your relatives wishes. My DSis was an environmentalist so requested a cardboard coffin but BIL preferred the willow wicker one which is as sustainable as you can get and looks really pretty. She was not a bling girl.

Finally the funeral was live streamed for family and friends who could t make it. One niece is on the other side of the world and we have elderly relatives who were struggling to travel. They were able to join us though via the internet. It became popular during the pandemic and it’s a service that has continued.

@Petergriffinschins

I've only ever organised a "regular" cremation and the only person who checked things over with me was the humanist celebrant for my husband's funeral. Maybe it's dependant on the company or funeral director.

I do recall some glitches. I'd discussed what DH was to wear and told the organiser what I'd be dropping off for him.

The day before the funeral, I got a phone call telling me that his footwear wasn't allowed and did I want it returned or disposed of?

A neighbour asked me to accompany her to the Co-op when she organised a Simple Cremation (not a Direct Cremation) for her husband and it was much the same as my experience - what was going to happen was agreed and then it was just a case of "Sign here..."

It's the cars , flowers and pall bearers that cost the money

Things I am glad I did for my father’s funeral - did a slideshow of photos from his life, picked an upbeat song to leave the service, and wrote and delivered the Eulogy myself, which consisted of a story really about his life, what kind of person he was. My friend told me it was the nicest funeral she had ever been to. My eldest child also read out a funny poem he wrote about his grandad.

I planned my Dad's funeral. On the whole I think it went well. We got grandchildren involved and reading poems and things their Grandad liked. Note that for finance, you can get a bank to release funds to pay for a funeral in advance of probate. Given the cost, this is worth knowing. Only negative is that we lent on the advice of the funeral director to get a Vicar for the service (dad had not lived in his last house that long), and they guy they got was terrible. He was most put out that we got his title wrong on the order of service (we had missed out a parish) and insisted on correcting it at the start of the service! At the wake, we set up lots of photos and a video loop. That went down well.

It’s very different with direct cremation, I think. There was no celebrant (well, one person standing there, but she didn’t say anything, she was basically there to press play on the music and make sure we were out in ten mins), no one could say anything, that would have cost extra. They just allowed 3 songs to be played and as there was only 5 of us, we just stood round the coffin. We weren’t allowed to chose clothes or anything it was just a shroud but that wasn’t a problem for me, I want fussed, not like we could see him. There was no choice of date either, we were told what date and time it would be, be there or don’t basically. It was still £1,800 though.

Sounds soulless I know, but it was a means to an end to get the ashes so we could have his proper little funeral when they were interred at the church his family were buried at.

it was a rep from the company who kept calling, mainly to try and flog me more add ons to be honest, but it was made very clear what I’d paid for.

That's good that they were so clear, though.

@WearyAuldWumman Definitely. The funeral director went through it all first so yes you're right there needs to be clarity.

With DSis - the funeral home had a large room we could use for a "farewell celebration" - with the coffin in the room

We hired a celebrant (£200) and had as much time as we needed (up to their closing time)
No rushed crem service or cars which added both cost and (for me) surges of emotion

But it felt a bit more personal than just a direct cremation (where you aren't there)

Direct crem was c£1300
"Farewell" was £1500 + celebrant

In person cremations start from £1800 but then all the extras add up!

This is such a useful thread thank you , hope all went ok for the OP back in October.

Thank you all. Thought it best I update the thread!

I took everyone’s advice and ended up planning a lovely, peaceful and commemorative service. My Nanna would have been over the moon.

We had some beautiful songs, two euologies and I wrote a poem which I read. I also opted to have a celebrant at the crematorium who did the most incredible job.

I can’t remember if anyone mentioned this but we opted to stream and record the service for those who couldn’t attend. I was against it at first but it was best thing I did. I have watched it back and it’s brought me immense peace.

Thank you everyone for your guidance and advice. It was invaluable.