To ask what you wish you’d done (or not done) when planning a funeral?

[Canyoudigityesyoucan]

I am planning a funeral for the first time for an elderly grandparent.

I would appreciate any advice on what you wish you’d done when arranging a funeral or what you wish you hadn’t done. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, and I want to do it right.

I did pay a little bit extra, to have the hearse drive past the two schools my husband had worked in.

Unfortunately I've organised quite a few funerals now.
Consider a celebrant if you think you won't be up to reading a eulogy - it can be far more upsetting than you think

If you want to do the readings yourself then practice, practice, practice, until you have it memorised as it will be easier not to get upset on the day if you know it by rote.

A funeral without any flowers can be a bit sad so consider just something for the coffin at least. They do act as a focus for conversation.

Yes to no hymns that are particularly high as your voice will crack. Consider taped music instead.

Don't have the wake at home, you'll never get rid of people. Hire a pub or a hall. Pay for first drink only, it weeds out the freeloaders. Sandwiches/crisps/ basic buffet etc is absolutely fine - people don't go to funerals to get fed, although a decent amount of nice food is always welcome.

It's ok to leave ahead of your guests as long as you've said goodbye to everyone and paid the bar tab.

Make sure you have a designated person to deal with any anticipated friction with extended family (for example). If you think your cousin is going to start bitching about the will, having someone on hand to head that shit off at the pass is super helpful.

Finally - be ready for the proper grieving to start once you don't have the funeral to focus on any more. It catches a lot of people out.

That you don’t need to get anyone embalmed - and that it’s ok to do the simplistic thing. I wish we had had direct cremation and a celebration separately

See if it can be streamed so distant family etc can watch

I’ve left specific instructions banning live streaming. If anyone wants to watch, they can come in person. Friends and relatives on far flung continents will just have to accept that.

I'm helping to organise a family funeral atm, having done one a few years ago as well, and I wish people would share their wishes - it's really really stressful to try and figure out music/poems/photos etc.

One of the best gifts any of us can leave for our loved ones is a funeral plan - list the music you'd like, burial/crem, religious/otherwise etc. etc. etc.
It saves your loved ones from having to make lots of decisions when they're least able to cope with it.
I'll be starting my funeral plan next week.

Im in the middle of this now. My dad died on 6th October. DB has done a lot of the planning and organising. The eco warriors who tell you to use public transport? Try doing that when planning a funeral. DB drives i dont. Ive organised the wake and the catering in a local hotel Flowers next and the cards to go with them.

We are considering live streaming so DH can watch. I doubt his mobility scooter would fit into the funeral car

Delegate as much as possible. You don't want to be worrying about catering etc on the day.

If there's an option for the hymns to have the singing, it does help, especially if most people are not churchgoers.

Don't stress about it, keep your loved one in mind throughout the day, it's easy to get distracted with everything going on.

Don't be afraid to shop around. Use an independent director instead of a big company. Agree with using a celebrant.
Have a slide show of photos.
Pass a book round and ask everyone to write a nice memory of the person rather than a condolence. It's lovely to read later on

I think I would make an exception for those circumstances but only your DH would receive the log in code.
I really don’t want people watching my children grieve on a screen

I totally agree.

They don't.
They watch the celebrant.
They would only see your children if they got up and spoke. The video is only on the person speaking

Finally - be ready for the proper grieving to start once you don't have the funeral to focus on any more. It catches a lot of people out.

Yes, good advice. I thought I was coping fairly well until I got home after the funeral and the wheels promptly fell off.

Don't worry about trying to have a perfect funeral, it's impossible. Just plan the funeral that will comfort you and those closest to her.

IF there is a mention of a charity donation to XYZ charity in lieu of flowers etc, then that is a thing to put into the newspaper advert, I agree.

There is no need though for the details of the funeral home organising it to be mentioned in the notification at all, other than advertising their own business! I personally find it crass, especially in my families case, they charged more than if we'd put an advert in the paper separately! You were lucky @BIossomtoes that the discount was passed on.

It's nice to have some framed photos to pass around for people to chat about.

To be honest I didn’t care. The last thing on my mind was money.

Just as a note to your post, we had a three fold (so six page) brochure for my mother's celebration of life service - I designed it myself, and vistaprint printed it on high quality card for £50 for 100 copies. It looked great, and my mother would have loved it. Lots of photos of her life, and the centre was the order. I don't think £50 was a lot to spend on something that looked so nice.

Don't include music you want to be able to listen to afterwards.

Don't sweat it, it all passes in a blur and it's exhausting just getting through the day. So be kind to yourself and do what suits you and those closest to you best.

Sorry for your loss.

If you have a song to be played right at the end, don't choose the most poignant/special one, unless the whole point/tribute you want to convey is very clear within the first few seconds of the song.

Whilst, in theory, their very favourite song - with the most perfectly defining final verse - is an amazing way to finish; unfortunately, in practice, prople leave right behind the coffin (if a burial), so the room will be empty long before the song finishes.

Played the entrance music to his pre teen grandchildren beforehand.

It was a very emotional piece, they heard for the first time at the actual time and they went to pieces in front of everyone.

Not at my husband's funeral. It was during lockdown. The focus was on the celebrant, but the camera showed the width and length of the crem chapel, though you mainly only saw the back of the heads of people.

You also saw people walking into the chapel. (The funeral director sent the file to me after the funeral.)

After the funeral was over, two family members told me that they thought it awful that people had patted me on the shoulder as they walked past. TBH, I was grateful that they had patted my shoulder.

Also, at my mum's funeral we were specifically told not to worry about standing up at the right points or even singing. You're not there as performers, the funeral is to help you grieve.

This was Church of England and the vicar really emphasised that we should just do what we felt able to cope with and not to worry about whether we were standing up at the right points or singing properly etc. Just get through it, it doesn't matter if nobody sings because they're too sad.

In my opinion, don't plan the service based on whether you feel able to stand up or sing, plan the service based on what will comfort and help you through your grief.

So sorry for your loss. We used the silk flower arrangements that the funeral home provided for free. It saved a lot of money on flowers that would've gone to waste otherwise.
Personally I hated using the humanist celebrant and having a humanist funeral for my loved one but it wasn't my choice and I had to honour their's and that of other very close family members. The funeral upset me greatly because of that but that's because it went against my strong religious beliefs. It was hard to reconcile that for a while.

Yes, this, pick the special song for the beginning or middle. Nobody will really hear the last song (unless it's very short!).

That's really sad that they did that
My experience of lockdown live stream was purely on the celebrant
I fully agree that grieving relatives shouldn't be videoed