To ask why money is sometimes quite a taboo subject to talk about with other people?

[ThisGreenDog]

I’ve noticed that money seems to be a bit of a no-go topic in many conversations. People can feel awkward or even offended if it’s brought up, whether it’s about salaries, personal finances, or even just the cost of things. AIBU to wonder why this is?

Is it a cultural thing, or does it come down to privacy? Maybe it’s about not wanting to seem like we’re comparing, or is it something else entirely? Do you find talking about money uncomfortable, or do you think it’s something people should be more open about?

It breeds judgement and resentment.

She gets paid ££ for doing that? It is not fair that I only get £ for doing something better/longer/harder etc.
If you spent less on x, you could spend more on y (instead of saying crying poverty/complaining/borrowing money).

I was taught to never talk about sex, money, or politics at the dining table, which is a shame because I think dinner conversation would be much more interesting and I love a good argument.

I'm absolutely potless and have no shame in telling people so. But I wouldn't ask someone how much they get paid, how much debt they're in, how much is their mortgage etc. I'd wait for them to share that info if they wished.
People in a similar financial situation to me seem more open in talking about money. I'm guessing rich people also feel more comfortable talking to eachother about their wealth.

It can create divisions sometimes.

From many threads on here, one sibling earning a lot more than the other, one thread will be from the more affluent sibling feeling put upon because the rest of the family think they should pay for meals or holidays for everyone, or threads from the less affluent sibling complaining that the affluent one will still benefit from parents inheritance and it's not fair.

Best all round to keep it under your hat.

Not unless it was really difficult to explain something without mentioning it. It’s personal.

Whats difficult to understand about that?

The three most boring things about people: 1) Their weight, 2) Their pronouns, 3) how much money they earn/have.

It’s cultural. The idea that talking about money is uncouth and success must be downplayed is a very British* idiosyncrasy.

Actually it’s not just British as there are aspects of it in German culture too. I think a lot of it is to do with Protestantism tbh, the idea that showing wealth is sinful. I really don’t see it in culturally Catholic or Orthodox countries, or indeed the Islamic counties I’m familiar with.

Because, dear God, it’s dull.

Cultural. We are generally pretty private and bigging yourself up is not acceptable.

I actually find money in general ok, but not salaries.

I mean, we love talking about house prices…!

A genuine question to those who think it should be an open topic for conversation, why does it matter? What would you gain knowing your friend or families salaries? I can't understand why people ask.

I'm not particularly secretive about money. I don't really have an issue telling someone how much I earn.

But the reality is that either they're going to be earning less than me and money is tight for them, so I would not want to feel like I was "showing off" or make them feel shit about their own situation. Or they're better off than me and then they might worry that I'm going to feel shit about it!

I feel ok about my earning/spending ratio but many people don't. Some earn less than me, some more. Depends on their outgoings and what feels "comfortable" to them. So it is a very personal matter. And not something I would want to get in to and risk offending someone. But that's my only issue, it's not secrecy on my part.

Echoing this. Why do you want to know?

If you’re asking because we work in the same field in different countries and you’re thinking of applying for jobs in mine, I get that.

If, however, as happened to me once when I lived in a midlands village, my salary and DH’s salary were apparently the subject of great speculation among people we only knew by sight, it was seemingly because I worked FT and walked and cycled everywhere, which for them (aspirational lower-middle class environment) coded as ‘poor’, but this was contradicted by our jobs, education levels. Which caused much speculation (why didn’t we have a Quooker? Why did I get the bus? Did I ‘have to’ work?) and was pure nosiness.

After coming out of an abusive relationship where our combined income 50/50 was £90k (both army) In Scotland that's a really decent income, I was always embarrassed if we got a new car, had a fancy holiday but I'm from a low income family, I don't think any of my childhood friends are in the "wealthy' bracket like I was as in it was almost expected I bought most rounds when out etc

Now I'm a ex army single parent on a £24k pension and don't/can't work.... because I was money savvy, people still think I'm "rich". I drive an outright bought Discovery Sport and live in a huge 5 bed 1.5 acre property (that I bought at auction for 2/3rds of its marketed price).

Point being, new bf..... took 3 months to get his annual income.....was always evasive. Spent like he earnt £50+ annually....
However is now back at his parents pending divorce. He wasn't amused when I said I used to earn £45k but still couldn't afford £400 on a hoody just because......he does/can thinks nothing of it. Because he has no real outgoings now. I get annoyed sometimes but it's not my place to say "tou could have xyz......property wise"

I think being ex military it's.different, we are on set promotional pay scales. We know what everyone earns. You can't negotiate.

Amd whilst I think about it, I think companies should do banded salaries to stop the very obvious pay equality.

Why do you need to know about other people’s money? I don’t like sharing the info- it’s irrelevant to others; whenever I’ve shared I’ve only gotten comments that make no sense and are irritating .

I agree OP I don’t get the secrecy but thankfully none of my friends are like that. We’re all very open about what we earn, how much our rent/mortgage is, savings etc. secrecy in a work context just keeps people underpaid so I’m vocal about fair rates of pay in that setting too.

And....because my role in the military was finance based and I've always been money savvy, people would often come to me asking for advice on changing tariffs, phone contracts etc because I always seeked the best deal and would tell my friends. Why wouldn't I. One wife I knew was paying £40 a month for 40GB of data because she's had the same sim for 10yrs! Her bill is now £12 for 150gb.....so she now doesn't worry when the kids want utube in restaurants etc.

It matters that we talk about money. There is such huge shame about money / debt and shame breeds silence which breeds isolation. It's important our children hear us talk about money and budgeting. It's important our value isn't tied up in what we have/ don't have. People around me appear to have " everything" bur its possible it's all on the tick. Far from boring to me - I think people's ability or willingness to talk about money is so embedded and I love to understand more about that. No one ever talked about money in our house so secrecy and shame abounded as well as poor financial management skills (I am slowly learning now but this is only with open conversations with friends and family.

It’s a cultural learned behaviour. It wasn’t that long ago that it was taboo to talk about mental health but times change and I think it will change when talking about money too.

all that keeping it secret does is encourage people to suffer in silence. It stops people from making the jump to saving in stocks and shares to make the most of their money.

its very much part of British culture not to talk about money, to talk of being wealthy is considered boastful and tacky and I am guessing this come from upper classes not wanting to share how wealthy they really were. Other classes would follow so they appeared they knew how things should be done and it stuck (just a theory)

My asian side of my family think nothing of asking how much I earn, how much my flat was, how much it’s worth now. How much did I pay for x,y or z

There’s a huge difference between talking about the importance of budgeting and financial planning, and telling people how much money you have. As many others have said, people can be resentful of others’ financial status and it can sadly alter relationships. Particularly if they think you should spend your money like they would if they had it. Just have a look at many of the wills/inheritance threads to see how much damage can occur! I have never told anyone other than my partner how much I earn. Colleagues doing same/similar roles in my industry sector will obviously know salary scales but nothing else about my savings or pensions.

OP what are your own opinions on what you tend to share or like to share, and why?

You sound very much like you’re observing rather than participating in this.

what’s the AIBU here?

Are you doing a research project?

Because other people feel entitled to it or judge how you use it? When my brother in law couldn't pay all the expenses for his family in London on his own, his wife and adult son expected my husband to pay up. In their culture wives don't contribute anything (she was working full time as was son) and they should still receive money for housekeeping, clothing, lunches etc. Nephew on a call said my husband earns 50k and should be helping his brother meet his expenses. Wife and son earned at least 50k between them but shouldn't be expected to help and actually said they couldn't afford to help. Go figure. The cherry on that cake was the wife filing a police complaint against brother in law which included financial abuse.

Having moved from a corporate job into the construction sector I think it's defo more of a middle class tendency to not want to discuss it. At work I can understand that though as often you're not supposed to discuss it and it can lead to resentment as we often see on the threads here where an OP is disgruntled that a newer or previously junior colleague is now on a higher salary.

Another factor I think is that wages tend to be more fixed with jobs that work on an hourly wage + overtime dynamic. I see a lot of site guys discussing salaries and I think it's because it's a lot easier for them to jump between employers if their skills are in demand and they realise a competitor pays more - in contrast to say business development roles where it's often in the contract that you can't work for a direct competitor within six months of leaving etc.

In the U.K. traditionally it just wasn’t ‘done’ to talk about salaries or any finances - was seen by some as vulgar. But the fact is it it can come across as boasting, or could easily make the less well off feel envious or hard done by. TBH I’d have thought that much was obvious!

Shortly after we bought out current house in the late 70s I was very taken aback when a neighbour who’d recently moved in, asked what we’d paid. It just wasn't
’done’ then. (I did tell him, was too taken aback to think of any reason not to!). Now of course, anyone can have a good old nose on Nethouseprices - annoying how you may have to wait 3 months though!

OTOH when dh and I were living in Cyprus, the locals thought nothing of asking how much rent we paid, how much dh earned, etc. It wasn’t seen as ‘rude’.

So I do think it’s at least partly a cultural thing. (I still wouldn’t ask any such question, though!)

I am selective who I talk about money with. I have very little, I've currently got about 39p. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think that I want a loan!! But with some single parent friends we can share and vent about things like our kids asking for ice cream in the park and other parents expecting you to be able to come out for soft play/ days out at the drop of a hat.
I don't want the pity nor the judgement.
I find it a bit crass. BIL came over when I had just been made redundant and spoke about how his new job was 25K more than the last and how if they made him come into the office more then he would just walk into a job on 25K more than the current salary. It's like 'read the room'.

It might be better if we were more open about these things, and I do agree with others that it’s a cultural thing. I’ve lived in the US and China where it’s totally normal to discuss your salary etc with friends