WWYD Ambushed By Ex's Family

[LoneWolfOfThePack]

Hi,

I have a previous thread on here about ex and contact with my dd so won't go into too much detail again about it here to try to keep it as short, but for context I have a 10 week old DD, haven't been with her dad since I found out about the pregnancy and has had no contact so far. Social services have completed a risk assessment on him and have recommended supervised contact in a contact center funded by him... there has been no action on this so far and the last interaction I had with him was over 2 weeks ago when I told him to seek legal advice if he wasnt happy with what the ss recommended for court. He threw a strop, got abusive and I had to block him again.

The issue... today I went with a family member and their child to a local market stall type event. I saw 1 of exs sisters there and attempted the best I could to avoid her until she approached me and asked if I was lonepack, I said yes and she immediately picked up my sleeping DD out of her pram. A couple seconds later exs mother, other sister and 8 kids (assuming theirs) surrounded me and the pram so I couldn't move and proceeded to pass DD between them. Still not once did they ask if that was okay.

They then bombarded me with questions about why they can't have contact, they can't get in touch with the social worker, etc etc. They also confirmed (unintentionally I think) that ex had indeed been continuing to lie to myself and social services to downplay his risk.

They say that they want contact with my DD without ex knowing or being present. In a panic to get DD back so I could leave I said I'd think about it and gave them my number then practically ran away before I had an anxiety attack or worse they contacted ex to join in the ambush.

I will be notifying SS of this interaction tomorrow but I don't know what to do moving forward. Its shook me up abit as I've not had any interaction with any of them (apart from exs harassment) in almost a year until today.

Does anyone have any advice moving forward? WWYD in my situation? Do I let them have contact in the agreement that ex has no knowledge or involvement?

@LoneWolfOfThePack That’s good, you’re definitely doing the right thing. Maybe a Ring doorbell could help too. The chain is most important so it’s good you’ve got one.

Are you sure the carrycot doesn’t have d rings in? They usually do. Babies are supposed to be strapped in in case you trip and spill, apart from anything else. You have a harness on the baby, and clip it to the d rings on the inner edges of the base.

They don’t have d rings these days…
I was shocked by my grandsons pram/pushchair. They seem to think a 5-part harness is secure. But it’s really not.

If you have so little back up I would move. Tell absolutely not a sole.

Have a look at Rightmove to see where you can afford/fancy living and put a couple of hundred miles between your old life and your new one. Change your name completely. Don’t post anything on SM. and run.

I would also check your bag, your baby, pram and any clothing and shoes you and baby were wearing for an AirTag or some sort of tracking device I would be very suspicious about why they surrounded you and were holding the baby

I would also take down your social media photos and anything that identifies you and make yourself invisible

You can do a single form at a solicitors office to change your name.

Just make sure you have nothing in your new name coming to your old address and nothing in your old name going to your new address.

I wouldn't trust this family, at all. They are way too close to your ex, especially his Mother and sister, he lives with. It's entirely possible they want to facilitate contact, so accidentally on purpose your ex turns up, at the same time. Absolutely tell SS, and get some advice. I would seriously look to moving elsewhere too.

Start planning your escape now.

You really can’t stay in the area long term as at some point your DD will go to nursery/pre-school, school and you can’t protect her there. It’s also possible that some of his family members with young children will attend the same facilities and legitimately be there on a daily basis. They may even encourage friendships between their children and DD.

You can’t rely on the police to protect you as they don’t have the manpower so at some point you’ll be left to deal with yet more scary situations on your own.

Look into changing both your surnames and find an area you’d like to live that’s at least 100 miles away from there and start researching jobs and flats. You don’t have to live in the first new place for long, just long enough to get your bearings. I’ve moved to new places where I had no connections several times inc. overseas and it’s not that hard to make a few new friends when you’ve got nothing to lose. It’s easier with a young child as there’s always lots of groups and activities set up to accommodate them, so try not to feel overwhelmed by the idea. Focus on the end goal and you can do this.

Just an update, I spoke to the social worker this morning who said that this event worries then as it is now highlighting concerns within his family network. However they did say that they were unsure how they would be able to advise me to deal with/manage it appropriately other than telling me to call the police.

I did ask that what if I'm in a situation like yesterday where it was almost impossible to pick up my phone and dial 999 immediately? To that they couldn't answer and just said to notify the relevant people as soon as the opportunity arose but they are going to look into some solutions. They've also changed my appointment for this afternoon until tomorrow so they've not been any help at all.

That incident sounds terrifying. If I were you, I’d want to move and that’s what I think you need to push for with SS. As a minimum, you need real cameras and a ring style door bell asap.

Well done for telling SS but you must MUST contact the police as well, make a statement and get an incident number. I know it seems like just paperwork but it’s very important, especislly if this escalates.

Otherwise they could do it again and again, and say that you are all friends and that you seemed happy to see them etc. They could claim that you had agreed to meet them at that place, you gave them your phone number, you sent them texts etc

Then you could be in trouble with SS for choosing or even initiating contact with them behind their back.

They could say that you are obviously lying about your ex, because otherwise why are so you happy to have meet ups with his family who live in the same house .

Remember It’s your word against them right now. And there’s a lot more of them.

It doesn’t matter that the nice SW believed you. The court will care more about police reports that SW reports. Half the time SS don’t even write down everything you told them , just a few sentences and then they can’t remember later what you said. Especially if what you said indicated that they should have taken action and they didn’t. Then you will find that their memory is really poor.

That’s why I suggested you email them and keep a copy of it.

Personally I’d also go to your GP or HV and tell them how anxious this is making you.

What you need here most of all is a paper trail. If it’s not written down on some official record it didn’t happen.

OP listen to what others have told you about SS. SS have already admitted they don't know what to do.

Also when you change your and your daughter's last name choose a common name.

Google to check your combination first and new last name isn't a well known criminal or celebratory as you don't want people commenting on it before you change it though it.

I have friends and a DP with common last names. With their first names they are very hard to distinguish from other people. In fact some of them have got mixed up by workplaces.

This is a list of names but you should be able to find more relevant ones to the UK country you are in: www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-25-common-surnames-britain-family-history-university-west-england-bristol-uk-a7423196.html

I've skimmed some comments, but just to say I'd start wearing your baby in a sling when you go out as with them tied to your chest no one can grab them and it might help you feel a bit safer too. Also if you're worried about them coming to your door either get a video doorbell or use the chain so that you check who is there before you let them in

I'm wondering if your family member let them know you would be there? That's she participated in this event.

dear lwotp, I am so sorry you are in such a difficult predicament.
It's hard enough just being a single parent, let alone the frightening baggage your ex- brings to the scene. Nor even to mention his bizarre-sounding family.
If sounds like ss are being supportive. It sounds like you have a v clued-up grasp on the potential riskiness of your situation.

Moving home isn't easy & may be impossible, but, depending on the whereabouts of where you live, changing area can remove you from ties of local/familial networks. Obviously, that has an upside and a downside.
If that's not desirable, or an option, be hopeful that - with all the sensible and safe things you are doing & will continue to do - your ex- may, in time, simply lose interest. Be grateful that you have a lovely daughter. Abusive exes tend to hang in longer when it's a son (sorry to say, but it's just so).
Wishing you all the courage.

What's lonepak?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. They formed a pack around you.

in thr future for anything, never say you’re on your own and never give out your number. Thing is a new Mum you’re knackered and don’t think straight and they exploited this.

speak to SS and block all calls, change your number if needed. Good luck.

I don’t think one interaction and taking a phone number would qualify for an anti mol?

@BreadInCaptivity clearly stated "repeated" in their post.

Also if different members of his family target her but each only do it once then she can get a non-mol which bans him from encouraging third parties to harass, threaten and/or intimate the OP and her child.

How is he encouraging it when she clearly said they wanted contact without him knowing?
I’m aware that that post said repeated, I can read thank you, but others have just jumped straight in and told her to get one. With this information, she wouldn’t get one!

Don't overthink this OP, you sound like a really considerate and caring individual but they will overwhelm you and play awful games. I've been in a similar situation and it just gets more convoluted and stressful. Cut contact - move away if you can and carry on doing everything you can to protect your DD from this narcissistic abuser. Good luck and don't look back x

I agree with you.
Absolutely shocking behaviour.
They had no right to touch her baby.
She was surrounded and completely intimidated.
I would call 101 and ask for it to be recorded.
Theirs is not normal behaviour.
They have zero rights to touch the OPs baby.

I guess they really missed your DD and want to build a relationship with her, which is lovely.

The issue here is that they surrounded you, and asked if you were alone. Also, not asking you if they can hold her and to build a relationship with her behind your ex's back.

It seems there are underlying issues within that family, such as bullying, intimidation etc.

Definitely tell someone about it, even seek legal advice

That must have been scary for you having a practical stranger lift your baby DD out of her pram. I understand why you gave them your number to keep things sweet. If they contact you say you've spoke with SS & they have advised you not to have any further contact with them & therefore you will be blocking them. If you see them again when out & about have your wits about you & if they approach you & go to lift your DD again say 'Sorry I'm not wanting to cause any animosity with any of you but I've been told not to let you touch my DD & would appreciate it if you didn't lift her out.' If they become abusing or awkward with you ask them to speak to your Ex's Social Worker & get away from them as quickly as possible. If your in a shop go to the counter & ask them to get Security for you.

Sorry OP but in your situation I'd give them a chance. They didn't sound inheritantly threatening to me just a bit full on and you sound jumpy - understandably. I'd allow some contact in a public place with you present and your ex not invited. If they break any terms on engagement then I'd go no contact. The sister at least doesn't sound blind to her brothers faults and if they are genuine then your dc deserves the chance of a relationship with their relatives on exs side.

I’m a single parent who’s had interfering, assertive relatives who thought they have a right over the children. I learnt very quickly thanks to a friend who was a wise older lady, to make decisions that is in your best interest because what’s good for you is good for your child. In their very first interaction these people have scared you - they’ve clearly proven they’re going to be trouble. Cut them out, move nearer to your work and don’t look back. Cut any possibility of your ex having contact if you can. Don’t waste your energy, you have limited energy, spend that on building a better life for you and your DD rather than dealing with energy vampires.

When your DD is 18 she can choose to make contact with them if she wants. You are well within your rights to make decisions for your child, and don’t be persuaded to do things you’re not comfortable with because you want to be a nice person. Be a horrible person to others, it doesn’t matter, you’re doing it to protect your child.

Now DD1 is in uni and DD2 nearing end of high school. I run a successful business, no family money and no family nearby at all. People always ask me, how do you do it ? Ruthlessly focus on what good for you and your DD.